Eden's Garden of Eatin': My Journey to Better Health

Review of Why We Get Fat

2011-03-10T13:35:00.000-08:00

This book blew away (finally and irretrievably) some thoughts I have had about weight, weight loss and the cause of obesity.

You are not fat because you eat too much and are too sedentary
My obesity is not a moral failing--as I suspected.
We have known why people get fat for over 200 years
Why we get fat is not popular and does not align with conventional health mantras
I feel some hope again

Is it possible that there is a way that I can lose weight and be healthy for the rest of my life? Really, really healthy?

For the 300th time in my life, I hope. Again.

Sibling Success

2010-11-09T21:24:00.000-08:00

Just saw this post tonight from my little brother about his experience with Crossfit the last year. It takes an AWFUL lot now-a-days to get me inspired but his story made me beam from ear to ear. I am so excited for how awesome he feels and what a difference this program has made for his health.

I've grown rather maudlin and overly depressed the last few months about my pathway and how I CAN'T DO IT and IT ISN'T FAIR and NO ONE HAS to SUFFER LIKE ME. Brock reminded me tonight that we all have uphill battles and challenges and odds stacked against us. Life isn't about removing challenges but about overcoming them.

Now if I can just keep reminding myself about that truth.

Membership in the Club

2010-09-04T10:25:00.000-07:00

I read this article the other day on CNN and thought: "My words exactly." I couldn't describe any better the feelings I have experienced the last five years (since my last major weight loss) when it comes to my weight. I know this all tends to victimhood and outrage too. I know that that will get me nowhere either. I guess sometimes I just really, really, really want to be understood. I've always felt like a thin girl in a fat body. This body is foreign, unwieldy and NOT mine. And I get reminded rather often that no matter how I feel on the inside, much of my experience here deals with how I look on the outside. I've known about the club's existence for years but I've rarely "qualified."

But when I lost weight, I was rewarded with membership in a club I never knew existed, where the benefits included better treatment, greater professional success and, above all, a new status as qualified participant in the social world including romantic relationships.

I've railed against the existence of the club for a long time. It doesn't really make me feel better. It just hurts. But to see in print the words that I have so often thought makes me think that other people have experienced the same kind of hurt. We don't like getting to:

Reap the benefits of a society set up to punish fat people for the unforgivable crime of eating too much.

First CSA Share

2010-07-06T19:20:00.000-07:00

I got my first CSA share today of greens and vegetables today. I was inspired by this video about a 2-minute salad. I made my own salad tonight and I think it was a decent first attempt. Here are the ingredients:

spring mix of greens
romaine lettuce
grape tomatoes
grilled chicken
hard-boiled eggs
sugar snap peas
sliced almonds
sweet corn
sliced red onions

Dressing

olive oil
fresh lemon juice
apple cider vinegar
garlic
Dijon mustard

It was good. And I'm full. And I'm not stuffed. All tiny miracles in my book.

What kind of salads have you been eating this summer?

Doctor Visit

2010-05-07T12:52:00.000-07:00

I went to my doctor's appointment this morning with a surly attitude. Didn't realize how surly until the receptionist handed me about 10 pages of documents she wanted me to fill out. All legal and billing documents and patient information. Ticked me off to no end because I've been a patient there for five years and you would think by now that they would have all of my relevant info, no? I had to remind myself to breathe because the ugly was baring its fangs.

Anyway, thanks to that little snafu, my bad attitude and my absolutely horrific way of eating the last few months, my blood pressure was higher than it has ever been: 153/90. I'm usually about 120/70-80. So, that wasn't a great way to start off the appointment. Plus, my weight was 339. Niiiiice.

So, I wasn't thrilled about anything. I didn't want to hear from the doctor that I should be doing a whole bunch of things differently. What I do is HARD. I wanted that acknowledged. But in all reality what I don't do and what I do when I don't care is really hard on my body.

My weight is up. My gallbladder and liver are both tender. My temperature is down to 97.3 degrees (a sign of metabolic slow down and thyroid issues). My attitude/emotions are on a roller coaster. My cycle is still anovulatory. And my energy is low, low, low.

It doesn't help that I'm stressed out of my mind by school. That I keep wondering if yet again am I going to FAIL?

The doc and I talked about the HCG diet and Dr. Mark Hyman's UltraSimple Diet too. She suggested I look them both over. Which I will do. When I can gather the energy to do more than sit at my computer at work or sit in my chair at home. I spend a lot of time just sitting.

I had big plans. I thought about getting a commuter bike and riding my bike to work each day. My gym membership is about to run out. I wish I could talk yoga classes. I so, so, so want to try Pilates too. Are all of those thoughts just wisps of smoke?

All-in-all though, I came away from this doctor's visit feeling hopeful--a feeling I didn't expect. I have two new books to read and a desire to do life better. That's always good in my book.

Maybe, just maybe, someday I will get this all figured out.

2010-04-24T11:04:00.000-07:00

I gained thirty pounds.

Women Fear Fat

2010-04-21T00:25:00.000-07:00

I saw this on Twitter today.

RT @HealthPop: Women fear fat. Men don't. Are you surprised? http://bit.ly/a1HLdf

I sense the fear. I feel the fear. I see how people look at me, underestimate me, wish to never be me. I'm not blind. I see how terrified people can become in my presence from the fact that I am overweight.

It is a scary thing to be obese. It carries the dichotomous pressure of having your "sins" or weaknesses erred publicly and the fact that you are never really seen by others. You are always the great white elephant in the room. Never mentioned, quickly judged, mostly overlooked.

I know this is sounding like a pathetic song of victimization. Maybe it is. Sometimes, I don't know how to tell the truth without the telling the lies that so often weigh on my mind.

And one of the big lies that permeates American society is that fat people are that way because they are weak, lazy or unintelligent. Because it isn't like they were born with a birth defect or a handicap. They are just fat. And you can always do something about being fat. Like exercise. And eat right. And stop overeating. Fat is your fault.

That kind of lie can really hurt you.

It's always easy to make fun of the fatty. It is always good for a laugh. Men who are fat can turn themselves into the butt of every joke. Women who are fat wish to melt into the scenery. Obesity in America is viewed as no less than a weakness and sometimes even a sin.

You are fat because you just are not good enough. Some days it is hard not to buy into this untruth.

I may sound heretical on this point but I know what it is like to be the subject of prejudice and bigotry. I know what it is like to be a second-class citizen. I know what it is like to be viewed as less than and worse than "the normal people." Fat is not only a weakness it is a lower-class status. You are to take your place in the basement of society and be grateful for the scraps that are thrown you. Because you are fat. And fat is very, very bad.

In some ways, women are right to fear fat. Who would want to be daily reminded that you are not and never will be good enough? Who wants to pretend to ignore the stares, not hear the snickers and preeminently exclude yourself from any activity that would put you in an awkward physical space? Who wants to be reduced to shopping for clothes in the only fat store within a fifty-mile radius? Or wear the same thing over and over and over again simply because the pain of facing yourself in the mirror is worse than the boredom of wearing clothes that you hate? Who want to be told you are "a sweetheart" and have "a pretty face" but are never complemented on how you look? Who wants to feel that no matter what she does that no amount of grooming or preparation will ever move you out of the ugly camp?

Sometimes I want to shout at people who have been thin all their lives: "Do you know what you have? Do you understand what a gift it is? Would you please just appreciate your blessings?" These people will never spend a moment worrying about tipping over a picnic table, being able to fit in a theater seat, or getting in and out of a car gracefully. These people will never understand how much their genetic inheritance plays a role in their good fortune and professional advancements. These people are not accustomed to living in a world where everything is too small and nothing is ever made to fit their size. They will be lauded as heroes and champions because of their genetic capabilities and not their own cultivated abilities. They will not be sneered at, derided or overlooked because they are so undesirable. They will not have to fight intense self-loathing and morbid self-hatred because of their weight. I see their lives as unimaginably blessed.

I may not like it but I understand and believe there is good reason for women to "fear fat."

My Plans for 2010

2010-01-01T11:48:00.000-08:00

I want to laugh as I write that title. No matter how optimistic, hopeful, committed or deluded I am about "my plans" I know that life has a way of banging reality into my face. So, I recognize the hilarity of thinking I'm going to have utter control over the journey of this year and acknowledge that in all things I pray that God will direct my life, protect me and my loved ones and give me "the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Here then are my hopes and dreams for the year 2010:

Do the hard things.

That is my goal for this year. I'm an avoider who would much rather bury her head for a few days than face the pain and trouble of life many days. That means that for most of my life, I've chosen the easy thing, the less-hard road, the path of least discomfort. Yet, this past year I've done many hard things and realized once again that there is an exhilaration, an energy and a deep-seated joy that comes from doing those hard things and choosing the rocky road. Every single one of my goals falls under the heading of a "hard thing." My goal is to choose the hard thing so that I can reap the benefit of that exhilaration, energy and deep-seated joy.

The things I can change:

1. Daily time in prayer and scripture study

2. Daily exercise

3. Cooking, eating breakfast daily

4. Packing lunch and dinner: saves my health and saves me money and boosts my energy

5. Early to bed and early to rise

6. Cooking most of my meals

7. On time to work daily

8. Start graduate school

9. Out of debt entirely

10. Run my first race

Here's to hoping and praying and working towards making these dreams a reality.

P.S. Okay, there's more to this list. I can't stop myself. So, here are a few more things that I would love, love, love to make a part of my daily repertoire: pilates, yoga, playing guitar, playing piano, painting well, dancing. Yes, the creative juices are at a high mark for me right now. And whenever they rise up, so does my list of goals.

The Year 2009

2009-12-31T22:33:00.000-08:00

Status Report:

I weigh 315 pounds. From January 1 of this year that is a net loss of 20 pounds. 20 freaking pounds! What have I been doing? I've still got nearly 200 pounds to lose! At this rate, 10 years from now I will reach my goal. Oh wait, I have actually been doing more than sitting on my tookus all year. (Or actually I've been sitting on my tookus a lot more--but it's been really productive sitting.) Applying to graduate school. Going to school. Pushing myself to change career paths. Seriously, how have I survived this year? Instead of beating myself up I should be congratulating myself. I'm a known emotional eater. I bury my pain with food. I've had a lot of pain this year. A lot of sacrifice, hard work and struggle. My typical modus operandi would have been to gain 50 pounds in the process. And let's be honest, my typical modus operandi would have been to not even attempt this radical change.

So, I'm happy. With a net loss of 20 pounds for 2009 and a net loss of 20 pounds for 2008, I'm currently 40 pounds less than my highest recorded weight of 355 pounds. It has been a stable (albeit slow-going) process. I'm not scared of those 40 pounds coming back. I think my life has changed enough and I've changed enough and I understand my body enough to feel good about where I am at right now.

For most of the year, I've been hovering around the 300 pound mark. I see myself back there very quickly. I also have a strong sense that I will get to 240 pounds rather quickly. Then the goal will be to get past 210 pounds. Then under 200. After the under 200 mark, I think I may either have gathered so much steam that I will reach 145-150 without a lot of fuss or I will put on the brakes and go into a holding pattern if my life feels like it is careening out of control. I don't know. I just know I'm feeling much more confident about the eating, the intolerance-free diet and the cooking. That all feels like it has fallen into place this year.

So, here is a recap of what occupied 2009:

1. Getting into graduate school: I continued to work full-time and went to school part-time trying to change my future. I want to wake up every Monday morning EXCITED to go to work. Excited to work hard. Excited to do something I love each day. I believe those future Monday mornings include: loving people through therapy, spending time in nature, writing, and raising a houseful of my very own littles with a TDH man that shares my goals, dreams, visions of our life together.

2. The intolerance-free diet: Most of 2009 I spent NOT eating things like wheat, dairy, sugar, HCFS, corn, soy, MSG and most processed foods. After three or four months of strict adherence to this plan I started to feel incredible in a way I have not felt in a long, long time. There is something absolutely magical about energy and I seemed to have energy in abundance, something that has rarely if ever been true in my life. I admit that those initial three months at times felt like I was white knuckling my way through the diet each day but I began to feel amazing and that feeling just kept building and building and building. I played around with my intolerance-free/elimination diet during the summer, got back in track (somewhat) in the fall, and then totally abandoned it for the incredibly stressful month of December as I finished the application process for graduate school. All in all though: I would not have a net loss of 20 pounds for this year without that plan and I REALLY would not have been able to face down all the fears and issues in my life without it.

3. Far too much avoidance-related coping while watching TV shows on Hulu: I guess I'm also an emotional TV watcher. Which is why I don't own a TV because I know how I am around one. But thanks to the Internet and explosion of TV shows on the world-wide web (I'm looking at you Hulu) my TV habit is alive and well. If I'm not eating my way through pain, then you will often find me immersed in pop culture oblivion to ease my way through it. So, yes, despite having an incredibly busy year, I've spent far too many late nights easing my way into dreamy sleepiness to the incandescent glow of shows like Greek, Bones, Supernatural and Glee. I've always been a sucker for a good story.

4. Cooking: I do like cooking. I always have. I've just never felt totally, 100% comfortable cooking in a traditional manner (meaning white flour, sugar, etc) because I've never been sure if that was how I wanted to cook. This year I became confident that with lots of fresh foods, alternative flours and creativity that yummy, delicious food was in my future forever. I embrace all the deliciousness of good food and I now know that I will not be deprived of any of its goodness in years to come. I have my own versions of chocolate chip cookies, hot chocolate, chocolate turtles, brownies, cake and even bread. All delicious and enticing and very, very good. I am much more confident about how and what I will be cooking for the next 40-50 years of my life and I'm excited.

Those four things along with work, school, church and family and friends. That has been my year. All in all I think that 2009 was a good year. I jumped a lot of hurdles, faced a lot of issues, realized my weaknesses more acutely and accentuated my strengths more frequently. I'm more aware of how much I still have to learn and more accepting of the process by which I will learn it. I'm kicking against the pricks less, accepting more of life and more excited for the possibilities that this year may bring.

To an excellent 2010! My all of our dreams come true.

Swollen

2009-12-28T15:48:00.001-08:00

My entire body is swollen. Everything hurts. Everything is inflamed. My emotions are off-kilter. My sleep needs are about 10 hours a night right now. My diet is in the garbage. My exercise in non-existent.

It's time to reclaim my health and sanity.

November-December Oblivion

2009-12-16T16:22:00.001-08:00

Weight: 317

I've been in a bit of oblivion the past couple of months with school. Well, I've really been feeling it in the weight department lately. I feel different. Not as strong and I can tell I've gained weight in places because my body feels strange to me.

The intolerance diet went out the window a few weeks ago which is when I really started to feel it.

But I'm not depressed or bitter or anything. I'm ready to get back in the saddle again and really push the exercise this time and see where it takes me.

Ready to come along for the ride?

October 2nd Weigh-In

2009-10-03T08:18:00.000-07:00

Weight: 298 lbs.

Waist: 47.5 inches

Exercise this week: 4 mornings averaging about a 30-45 minutes. Doing the first 2 weeks of exercise plan in Jillian Michael's book Losing It. I really love the variety and intensity of the exercise.

Sleep: I went to bed between 10:30 and 11:00PM each night this week and was up at 5:00 or 6:00AM every morning. Lots to do.

Stress level: I had two tests this week and was very, very busy. But I think I handled the stress better than I have in a long time.

Food: Had meals planned and cooked. Took lunch and dinner and snacks with me every day which really helped me hit the hunger early in the morning when I most need to be on top of it. That was great. It was the end of the month and funds were tight so I was making do mostly with what was in the pantry and I was very, very pleased with how things turned out. I owe many blessings to heaven.

Overall: I'm feeling really good. Strong. My body feels strong. I'm lifting things with more ease. I like working out and feeling my body grow stronger each day. I really need the food early in the day. It helps calm my body down.

P.S. Would love to run the St. George Marathon one year from now at a fighting weight of 135 pounds. Wouldn't that be a trip?

Back at 299!

2009-09-26T13:05:00.000-07:00

Saturday is the day I weigh. I want to do it at least once a month and certainly not every Saturday. Well, I decided to weigh this morning just to see what my week of exercise would bring and I was 299! I was so thrilled. It isn't often that I look down at the scale and am shocked (in a good way) by the number there.

After my six-week hiatus from eating intolerance-free (does that sound right?) and consuming all kinds of wheat, dairy and sugar, I was actually very surprised that I only gained 5-7 lbs. It made me realize that maybe all of the hard work I had done for the six months previous was really going to pay off and my body was really responding to and healing from all of my food intolerances.

So, I've dropped a few pounds over the last month but certainly nothing like this week. I think three big things changed.

I ate breakfast every day and I packed food each day and ate all day long. In other words, I didn't spend most of the day starving and then come home and eat a big meal late at night. I was on top of my hunger--especially during the morning hours--and I had great food to eat all week an my body loved that!
I exercised four morning a week at 6AM. I love working out right now and my body certainly seemed to respond to that as well.
I was in bed by 10PM six nights this week. Getting enough sleep definitely affects weight loss.

So, all three of those things are things I wanted to improve on to see if they made a difference in my weight loss because it had stalled. I think they did! The next plan is to continue this trend and see what the next few months will bring.

I'm Exercising Again

2009-09-24T09:31:00.001-07:00

Some brief thoughts on exercising which is my big goal this fall.

I've been to the gym for three mornings in a row. That is serious progress. Especially that I get up at 6AM to do it!

I finally figured out exactly what plan to follow at least for the first few weeks. I'm following the eight-week exercise plan outlined in Jillian Michael's Winning by Losing. I'm really excited to try it because it has variety, is very specific, has changes in intensity, duration, sets, and weight load, and I feel good doing it.

I'm going to make copies of the workout for each week along with the exercises outlined. We will see how this goes.

I also have picked out a trainer at the gym that I want to pay for a half-hour appointment to work with me on technique, form and my plan. We will see how that goes too.

I really like weight lifting. I have a body built for weight lifting. I've always been strong and flexible and I get a kick out of lifting weights. Future plans include trying out some cardio classes, pilates and yoga. Pilates and yoga especially interest me.

I feel gooooood. I've had this big endorphin rush the last few mornings and I love it. I'm sleeping better. I've lost 5-7 pounds. I feel stronger. I feel better.

Here's to hoping this trend can continue.

What about you? How's your exercise routine going? Exercise plans? Exercise dreams? Exercise pipe dreams?

Progress in Month 9

2009-09-23T16:26:00.000-07:00

For all of you devoted reader(s) out there (hi, Sis!), I am keeping up with this blog. I really am. I'm just not doing it very well. I'm going to chalk that up to the fact that I'm currently so focused on getting into graduate school that I've begun scheduling my bathroom breaks and daydreaming time into the 6 minutes of free time I've been able to carve out of my daily life right now. But this blog is in my heart often because I feel a bit more honest, a bit more dark and twisty, a bit more real here than anywhere else. So, know that of anywhere I write, this place has my heart.

I've been back on the allergy-free (now changed to intolerance-free) diet for several weeks now and once again my energy is good, my emotions stabilized (except that once-a-month roller coaster so many of us deal with), and my future is feeling bright again. Yeah! In the last week, I've had several people tell me that I look "bright" and "happy" and "good." I'm taking all of that to mean that this food thing really does have an affect on my mental/emotional state. Yes, I know, big surprise there.

It has been quite a journey so far since last January when I started this thing on my fourth attempt and finally had the skills and knowledge base to succeed at eating so differently from mainstream America. I feel like those first three months was more of a white-knuckle experience where I had to encounter the mental, emotional, physical, and social changes that eating like this handed to me. I had to learn how to cook more, how to cook differently, how to prep food for a full day, how to manage social situations and food and how to deal with my own emotions/grief around giving up the familiar, known ways of eating.

The first few months also brought a great sense of RELIEF. I felt like finally, finally, finally after years of trying to figure it out, I had a plan, a vision, a method for how to cook and eat throughout my life. A blueprint for what my kitchen and pantry will look like; a dream for how I will manage Halloween, Christmas, and every celebratory food event; an idea of how to manage this gigantic, overwhelming, emotion-crusted, darkness-infused, gut-busting experience of food/weight/depression in my life.

And I finally feel like me again. A feeling that I first truly encountered 12 years ago when I was serving a mission for my church and really learned a lot about myself and my strengths. It was a golden period in my life full of truckloads of learning and I ratcheted up several truckloads during that eighteen months of service. I learned that

I'm a people person
I work really well with others when we have a common purpose
I love planning
I enjoy teaching
I love talking to people about their lives, their hearts, the things that matter most to them
I like public speaking and singing
I have a brain for remembering the gospel and an aptitude for study
I do really well on a schedule fueled by a deep purpose

There was much more that I learned as well, but throughout that eighteen months, I repeatedly had the feeling "This is me. This is me. This is ME." It was like I was meeting myself for the very first time.

What I really think occurred was I went from a lifestyle where my weaknesses were highlighted to a lifestyle where my strengths were utilized, accepted and wanted. It felt amazing.

All of that is just to say that the first few months after starting this intolerance-free eating plan, I started to feel many of those feelings again. Like my strengths were no longer cloaked under a mantle of darkness. That my mind and spirit were no longer cloaked either. And like I said, it brought a great sense of relief.

The next few months of summer after that initial white-knuckling phase were a bit more difficult after some of the initial euphoria wore off. I quit cooking as much or even doing much meal planning. That really tends to sink me. As a result, I spent a lot of time being hungry, hungry, hungry. And wishing I had good food. And wishing someone would make it for me. And wishing it would magically appear in front of me. Thus the summer was comprised of

a stall in weight loss
constant hunger
wishing that I didn't have to cook so much every day just to feed little old me
mourning that food wasn't convenient or easy any more
challenging the elimination diet which turned into an eating free-for-all and a full return to my previous life of wheat, dairy, sugar eating.

Ahhh, the summer. Lessons learned. Time passed. Boundaries tested.

Once again, after plunging back into old eating habits, I was in the midst of that big, loud vortex that takes over my body, spirit and mind. Depression, weight gain, fatigue--it all came roaring back into my life. And when I'm there, no matter how hard I try to convince myself, it is very, very, very difficult to believe that food really affects me so powerfully and that I really do feel much better when I'm not eating those foods. I'm sure it sounds crazy. It feels crazy. I'm not laying all of my problems at the feet of food, but I am saying that eating intolerance-free removes a huge layer of difficulty in my life. It makes my life run more smoothly all around. It helps keep me strong, focused, sane and happy.

So, what is fall going to become? Well, I'm feeling really great about the diet. What needs work in my life is exercise. So, the fall I want to be comprised of working out five to six days a week. I want a plan, a purpose, a goal in my exercise. I want to feel good afterwards. I want to be thrilled to get up each morning and get moving.

So, to fall and to exercise! Here's hoping it will be a success.

Not so Gold

2009-09-08T17:17:00.000-07:00

This is to you, little 25-year-old beefy personal trainer at Gold's Gym who tried to shove a personal training plan down my throat today.

I'm sorry I ticked you off when I said, "I didn't realize I would get a sales pitch today so I'm not ready to purchase." I did enjoy the 20 minutes of workout that we actually did. I went into this appointment with the distinct impression that Gold's Gym was offering to give me complimentary workout plan because I forked over far too much of my discretionary income for the "privilege" of becoming a member there. I'm sorry that I didn't realize beforehand that you were going to try every manipulation technique in the book to get me to fork over an extra $100 a month as well for personal training. No. Thank. You.

Not to mention the fact that you hound me every few months for "improvement" fees. After three experiences with your establishment trying to suck me dry financially, I've come to the conclusion that Gold's Gym has one interest and one interest only--getting as much of my money out of me as possible.

You threw out lines like "Why can't you commit today?" and "You should make a decision now." and "I will have to talk to my manager but if you don't act now, this special will go away."

Yes, yes, I hope it will. And you along with it.

Do I have to get mean? I felt so uncomfortable through that whole meeting today once I realized all I was to you and Gold's was a dollar sign. I watched you try to maneuver a commitment out of me. You challenged me, you questioned me, and I felt I had to reveal far too much of my personal reasons simply because I wouldn't commit financially. This is not respectful. Not nice. You get an "F" on the good company report card in my book.

Let's just say, Not Impressed. Not Impressed in a VERY big way.

It's About Gym Time

2009-09-07T16:30:00.000-07:00

I updated my stats on the sidebar today. Looking over them I see that my weight has pretty much stabilized over the summer--despite my 6-week plunge off the allergy-free lifestyle. I chalk that up as a good thing that my weight can actually stabilize. What a treat! What a joy! To actually be moving down the scale and not have my weight ping pong right back up the scale the minute I eat the tiniest little thing off plan.

Now for the bad news: My weight has pretty much stabilized over the summer. Same news, different take. What's that all about? I was losing pretty consistently there for a while. Being back on the allergy-free diet, I think the losing will start back up again too. Obviously much more slowly than I would like, but it is going just the same. What I want is to add two more items to the mix for the next four months and see what kind of difference they will make. Those two items are:

Meal planning=equals regular meals=stabilized blood sugar
Daily exercise

I think these are the areas that I have to make the most improvement health-wise. The eating thing goes really well when I have a menu plan and I've shopped and prepared for the week. Then I don't spend hours each day trying to figure out what to eat the is convenient or I don't spend half the day starving and wishing I could eat something delicious.

The other thing is exercise. I know exercising every day will help stabilize my blood sugar, boost my emotions, help me sleep better and help me lose weight. At least that is the practicing theory I am going on. I'm assuming that more regular exercise will assist me greatly in losing weight.

So, that is the experiment for the next four months. Stick to the allergy-free lifestyle, get daily exercise, have a menu plan so I eat regular, well-balanced meals. I'm interested to see what the next four months will bring.

What a Difference a Day Makes

2009-08-31T20:32:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, I got ready for church and ran out the door late. Unfortunately, the chapel was jam-packed and I spent several fruitless minutes searching for a seat until my sweet niece G (otherwise known as Baby Girl) came and took my hand and pulled me to where her family was sitting.

The only problem was we had to transverse most of the chapel to reach said seating. Which forced us to walk in front many in the congregation. Which made me horribly, gut-wrenchingly aware of just how unflattering I must look lumbering in heels across the room. Three-hundred pound woman doth not equal a charming picture. Even if she spent half an hour primping in front of the mirror.

Oy vey! The eating disorder mind is rampant with self-hatred once again.

Yes, so I spent most of Sunday feeling the "ugly" syndrome.

Then up I awake on Monday morning feeling not so much better and I get dressed, go to work and try to start a bleh Monday with a smile on my face.

It is the start of fall semester and since I work at a university this affects me. I'm taking classes myself and I have students that work for me. Well, one of my students has returned after a summer internship and I go down the hall to speak to him and walk in and he stops and . . . gives me the once over! Like looks me up and down. Which in fatland never ever happens to a woman. Ever. At least it never happens in my fatland. And what I realized is it has been four months since he has seen me and maybe I am looking better, you know? Like maybe some of these changes are showing up in my body and face.

Except then I go look at the stats on the side of this page and I realize, my weight went down a few pounds this summer but I'm pretty much exactly where I was four months ago. So, what is that all about?

Then I realize, I do have a new wardrobe--at least clothes that fit me--and though my weight hasn't changed drastically the last several months, I did get a lot of very positive comments about my looks for a couple of months there. Most of which I attribute to dressing for my size rather than wearing clothes that were too big for me.

So, between that tiny moment this morning, then my new shirt, and getting my hair done on Saturday, I was feeling rather fetching today. Isn't that funny? All a matter of perception and the change of just a few short hours.

Nice. Now if I could just feel good about myself like this ALL day. Every day.

Changing My Perspective

2009-08-19T00:17:00.000-07:00

After my moaning and groaning about my weight and why oh why me, I came across this post from a young mother who was burned last year in a terrible accident. For the first time in a year, she has shared a photo of herself on her blog.

A courageous and noble act from one who could spend the rest of her life saying "if only" and who is trying hard to move into a healthier perspective of her purpose in life after her own aching sadness.

I commend her and others like her who remind me to not give up hope. And who also remind me to be grateful each and every day for a strong, healthy body with eyes that see clearly, a heart that beats continuously and two hands that can care and love and tender kindness to those around me. Meaty thighs and round tummy included.

True Confessions: Will This Ever Go Away?

2009-08-18T19:18:00.000-07:00

I've felt for several weeks now that I am at a crossroads in my life. A place of choice where the road is forked and I can make the decision to walk into the darkness one way . . . or the other. And because this decision feels so big, so monumental, so very, very LARGE, I have done the only rational, sane, sensible thing available to me.

I haven't made a decision.

I've sputtered and puttered and cried and cajoled myself to make daily better choices, in fact to make the right choice and choose a better future for myself. And then I've done nothing. If I choose the way I think I should go, the way I really want to go, the way that holds the most promise, it is going to be very, very hard. And I don't seem to do hard things very well.

I'm scared. I feel alone. I wish I was better.

Most of my life has been spent wishing for a different life. Wishing for a different body usually. I've felt that life dished up a big, fat serving of unfairness and I've been wading in it all of my life.

Do you sense the overpowering self-pity here? I didn't come equipped with "let-it-roll-off-your-back" attitude that might be a life preserver to me right now. I tend to let life's injustices and petty issues sour and curdle in my gut until they affect my outlook, my focus and my beliefs. And the biggest one, the one I always hang my hat on, the one I return to over and over and over again is: my fat body.

I never had it easy in that department (I know, strike up a thousand tiny violins for the woe-is-me party that is coming down the pike like a freight train). I never had a "thin" life. Never had the ease of a lithe, supple body as a child, never had the glory of a tight, lovely body as a teenager, never had the attraction of a gorgeous, womanly body as an adult. My reality has been filled with meaty thighs, a too-generous tummy, and a full double chin. And I have always struggled with that reality.

I've hated myself and wished thousands upon thousands of times for a different reality. A chance to wake up from this very bad dream. An opportunity to live out the life I was meant to live in a beautiful body that is my rightful inheritance.

It hasn't come. And I've spent my life wishing away the life I have.

It is painful for me to be in my thirties, unmarried, unhappy with my work, and still struggling with an overweight body. If I could snap my fingers and change my reality, I would have a lithe, beautiful body, a strong work ethic, a sunny, effervescent personality, and a gem of a husband with a few darling children as accompaniment. I would always be organized and my house would be clean. I would have a PhD in counseling and be an established author. I would spend my days caring for my family, decorating my home, seeing clients in my private home office, gardening in my lush outdoor backyard, and writing compelling, bestselling books that would make me independently wealthy. I would even have time for some radio work and television appearances.

Oh, and let's not forget that in all times and in all places I would look amazing and beautiful and strikingly gorgeous (I'm sorry but now it seems that my alternate reality has dipped into a Harlequin romance-esque type of universe). Oh, and I would cook tempting, delightful, wholesome meals for anyone who stepped a foot over my threshold. And be beautiful while doing it.

Yes, wouldn't that be nice.

But for all of my wishing, my moaning and wailing and gnashing of teeth, I am still just me: chubby, too-thoughtful, easily depressed, tree hugger, messy, bad-at-motivation-and-discipline, struggles with commitment, not-living-up-to-my-potential, totally imperfect me.

If I'm going to get anywhere in my life, I think I've got to learn how to embrace and love this version of me. Or I'm going to make myself sick and miserable by wishing my life away.

Yes, sick and miserable. It sounds like a charming way to do life, doesn't it?

Where Have You Been?

2009-08-17T20:04:00.000-07:00

I've been away. Not geographically but nutritionally. I've been away in a little land called Binge and Repeat. It is a land I've grown familiar and comfortable in over the past twenty years of my life. It is a place that while miserable and dark and cold brings me some measure of relief and comfort albeit of the nutritionally unsound kind.

I did so well--remarkably well--for SIX WHOLE MONTHS on my allergy-free diet. Six entire months in my life where food was not my addiction and my solace. And then it all came banging back as I delved into a world of treats and drinks and drive thrus and fast food. I reverted so quickly to all of my bad habits, poor patterns and secret eating. All of it came back from late night splurges to mid-day descents into a world where I rarely cook and most of my food comes hot and ready through a drive thru window.

What the bingeing did for me was ratchet up the guilt level in my life and ratchet down the deprivation level. In some ways, I think it was good for me.

(I know, can you believe it? Here I am putting a positive spin on it.) I think it was good for me because I'm going to have to deal with this whole thing sooner or later. I can't assume that one day I would just start eating perfectly and then BOOM after that it would be easy peasy.

No, we wouldn't want this part of my life to ever go easily, because then I might not have any idea where to hang my self-pity. Gotta keep that oh-so-helpful part of my life alive and kicking.

So, the cold hard facts about where I've been? Mostly at fast food joints, often at a convenience store, too little over the stove baking or cooking something delicious and nutritious. I've gained about fifteen pounds and my clothes are getting tight.

And now that I know where I've been, the next question is: where am I going?

Climbing Back in the Saddle

2009-07-31T10:16:00.000-07:00

A month ago, as I was bending over and shaving my legs, I felt a pop in my hip and a sudden, acute pain. Immediately it hurt to stand, bend, sit or walk.

I've spent most of the last month dealing with and avoiding the outcome of that Saturday morning.

Most of this month has been about pain and injury and healing and adaptation.

And I'm not gonna lie, friends: It's been about bingeing too.

I spent most of May and June fighting my lack of desire to cook and trying to figure out how to feed myself. Then this injury put me in a place where most movement hurt and I took the familiar, easy road for me. I started eating out again.

I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I'm not going to whine and moan and complain either. And I'm also not going to go all self-righteous and declare a moratorium on all treats and indulgences and allergy-ridden foods.

I'm just going to breathe through it and not go anal-retentive or perfectionist. The only place that has ever gotten me in the past is smack dab in the middle of another binge.

I'm just trying to own up to reality and deal with it differently than I have in the past.

So, in the spirit of good fun and because I love details, here are some of the things I have consumed the past few weeks that haven't been a part of my normal lifestyle for several months.

Chocolate: and by that I mean milk chocolate, candy bars, peanut m&ms--you know, the kind of stuff you pick up in the checkout line at the grocery store, not the good, expensive, dark chocolate that I tend to prefer when I'm eating clean.

Soda: I've never been a big pop drinker but I certainly have partaken of a few this past month. I think I really like to do this because pop has no redeeming nutritional value and when I indulge it is usually because I'm in the mood to flip the bird at myself and my sometime- sanctimonious attitude about all things health.

Candy: The stuff you buy at the convenience store. All high fructose corn syrup and air--you know what I'm talking about. The funny thing is that when I'm really miserable, this stuff provides some of the sweetness I am so craving out of life.

Chips: I go a bit crazy with the chips too. I start dreaming about Barbara's Cheese Puffs. I don't know what the deal is with those things but they are cheese on crack. And I want a bag a day of them. Fortunately, the bag says "all natural" which gives me a strange sort of comfort.

Bread: All things bread. All kinds of bread. White bread. Brown bread. Homemade bread. French bread. Any bread. Bread, bread, bread. Bread makes me happy. I just saw again that scene of Julia Roberts in America's Sweethearts where her character went off the low-carb bandwagon and ate a huge breakfast of waffles, toast, muffins--basically a pig out on all things bread. And I had to laugh because--been there. Done that.

Fast food: I'm going to clump all the neon-sign, drive-thru, caloric-killing wasteland that litters modern suburbia under this one heading. There are too many of them and sometimes I just can't fight their regime any more. At times I spend weeks there on the dark side. Hands down favorite? Wendy's or Carl's Jr. With the occasional jaunt to Taco Bell--you know, just for variety.

Somehow I have survived my wild plunge into Noshing Neverland and I've come out on the other side a bit war-torn and limping but still alive. Ready to fight the good fight again. I just have to remember--it isn't about attaining perfection but about making progress every day.

I'll do my best to keep that in mind.

The Horror

2009-07-21T09:36:00.000-07:00

I've been absolutely terrible at posting lately. Could it have anything to do with the fact that my clothes are getting tight and I have had two major three-day binges in the last two weeks? Or that I have not done a lick of exercise? Or that I want to lose weight without trying? Or that bariatric surgery is looking really, really good all of sudden?

Yes, I'm dragging in the healthy focus department lately. Anyone have any insight, advice, wisdom or motivation to share with me?

Anyone? Anyone?

Have You Always Been Fat?

2009-07-08T18:06:00.000-07:00

I have always been fat.

My tendency now is to let this dip into a "Woe is me, look at my horrible life" kind of monologue. I'd like to stay away from that. Yet, I have been thinking a lot lately about men and women who spend childhood and significant portions of their adulthood with only a skinny or athletic body.

What is that kind of life like?

I don't even know. I've always been chubby. At least as long as I can remember. There were brief periods of forcefully imposed slenderness--6 months when I was 11 years old, another year when I was fifteen years old and a dip towards normal body proportions when I was 22 years old. Other than that I've always carried a tummy, meaty thighs and a round face.

I grew up with five brothers and two sisters. None of them have ever been a hundred pounds overweight. Some of them in adulthood have edged up the scale thirty or forty pounds but no one has ever approached morbid obesity like me. Why is that?

What is so different about my body, my habits or my chemistry so that my body stockpiled weight? I have asked myself similar questions most of my life.

Right now, my theory tends towards a disruption in my endocrine system, an insulin sensitivity and food allergies. All of these natural tendencies leant themselves to a chubbier frame which induced some emotional eating as a way to soothe myself from the negative attention that my looks presented. Like I said: just a theory and likely one that leans a bit too heavily on the "woe is me" category that I vowed to stay away from earlier.

I think why this has all come up is that I look at adults around me, ones who have never suffered with a weight problem and I wonder What happened to me? Why am I so different? Why didn't I ever have a skinny time in my youth?

I don't know the answer to this and many other questions. I also don't know if the answers are really that important. I just know that these thoughts have occurred to me more and more often over the past few months.

Likely because right now, the fat thing seems patently unfair to me. It is unfair that I am still dealing with, working on, and learning the whys and hows of living in a fat body. I'm still uncomfortable in it, I still wish I didn't have to go down this road, I still wish things had turned out differently for me.

But the reality is, this is my life. This is my body. This is the hand that was dealt to me. And none of my whining or crying or pleading is going to change that. I can't change the past, the future is unknown, and all I have is today.

So, yes, I've always been fat. Even today. And some days it feels harder than others. And some days I barely notice it. Mostly, it is a topic that fills my mind constantly like a bad rerun. But I refuse to believe that it won't change. I've always felt like a big change is just around the corner.

At least that belief keeps me hoping and smiling through the ups and downs.

Why I Didn't Weigh In the First Saturday in July

2009-07-07T15:18:00.000-07:00

I realized that the weekend had passed me by and I entirely forgot to do a weigh in on Saturday. Nice. I'd like to blame it firmly on the fact that it was a holiday and I had been sick the day before and call it good. But the whole story is that I've had my first major binge in the last week and even though I did forget to weigh in on Saturday, I think it had to do more with the fact that I didn't want to see what the scale had to say rather than that I was ill and busy.

Before I left for our family reunion the last weekend of June, I weighed 295 lbs. I was fitting into a size 20 (yeesh!) and I was feeling svelte and spectacular. While the reunion itself was just fine, the post-reunion binge I indulged in wasn't so fine. Then I got a phlegm-filled cold and wanted to sit in my misery for a few days and get nursed back to health.

Friday morning when I was in the throes of the headachey, runny-nosed misery, I thought "I'm supposed to do my monthly weigh in tomorrow" and that was the last time it occurred to me.

Here it is Tuesday and no weigh in. I guess I will postpone it until this coming Saturday and see what 7 extra days will buy me. Between the binge and the cold, I was 304 this weekend. My pants are tighter all of sudden. My stomach is pooching more. I even felt like my face was rounder and fuller. All in all not my most productive week. (Seriously, sometimes I wonder if "productive" can even be paired in the same sentence with my name.)

So, we shall see. This month might have a net gain or I might even out. Whatever happens, I've got to start taking my food and exercise a little more seriously if I want to see more drastic changes around here. But really after a week like last week, I might just settle for slow and steady wins the race. After all, as long as I'm headed in a downward trend on the scales, something is going right.

Confession Session: The Bingeing is Back

2009-07-02T13:41:00.001-07:00

I really am a recovering binge eater. It's been six months since my last experience. I've had a treat here and a splurge there in the past six months but I finally fell head long into a binge the other night.

It happened right on target for me too.

Usually when I start to feel really good about how I am doing or what kind of progress I am making I head straight into a binge. That is because the minute I realize things are going well or I am handling the pressure of my life I also simultaneously start to sense that now everyone is going to expect me to perform at this higher level of functionality from now until eternity. That puts a lot of pressure on me. Who wants to perform well all the time? Certainly not me. And I certainly don't want anyone to expect me to perform that well all the time.

Hence, the binge.

Bingeing gives me a headache. Literally. It plunges me into a place where darkness descends and I feel muddied and ill and terrible. It puts me in a place where all bets are off and I can't expect myself to perform because I feel so yucky, hence, no one else can expect me to perform either. At least that seems to be the nonsensical logic behind my binge. So, I get myself off the hook by bingeing. I get to step out of the racing current of life and check out.

The problem is that I have become the unmitigated master of checking out. I'm so good at it now that it nearly happens automatically. I live half a life, at half-speed, only doing things halfway. Otherwise I experience the shock, horror, pain and terror of having do things well on a consistent basis.

Bingeing gives me a chance to wrap myself in a little cocoon of oblivion and let go of the pain and the anxiety of living life at full speed and fully engaged.

It is a nasty little habit born of my unending love of avoiding all things anxiety-inducing. It is a coping mechanism that makes my life more miserable instead of better.

Yet, I went back to it this week. With all the anxiety in my gut, the terror of choices ahead of me, the pain of mistakes behind of me, this allowed me to try to disconnect from it all for the night.

It certainly gave me empathy for anyone who deals with alcoholism. Yikes! What a scary, hard place that would be. I felt like I needed to call my own sponsor last night and talk to her. Not have her judge me or flagellate me or even coax me away from my binge. But just someone to talk to about the knot in my stomach and the ache in my heart and see if they could go away without the assistance of the candy and chocolate and junk food that puts me in a state of semi-consciousness.

The truth is the binge has been coming on at least since Sunday and part of it happened Monday night and again a bit more on Tuesday and finally, finally, I did a full out binge last night.

Now, the question is: What am I going to do about it?

Shopping for Summer Clothes

2009-06-24T21:45:00.000-07:00

I went out shopping tonight for summer clothes. I had a specific plan: 1 black pair of capris and three shirts. I needed at least those minimum clothes to get through a family trip to California this weekend.

My current clothing situation is pitiful. I do have two pair of pants for work that are okay and I have a couple of shirts. Everything else is too big. Just like wearing clothes that are too small, wearing clothes that are too big is uncomfortable. I'm constantly adjusting clothes and feeling less than my best. I went shopping a month ago and came away with one shirt. That one shirt at least made me feel better but truly the situation has gotten desperate again. I knew that I would be uncomfortable on this trip unless I had some clothes that were appropriately summery and fit well.

So, in my typical fashion, I left it all to the last minute. I had about an hour and a half to accomplish my purchase of three shirts and a pair of capris. First, I went to one side of town and hit a department store that I like. I could see like the last time that I was there that it was likely going to be slim pickings for me. I guess this assessment made me brave. I had to try anything that looked even reasonable.

I approached a rack of clothes that had tan and black capris. The largest size was a 20. I really have no idea what size I am right now but I didn't believe it was anywhere near a 20. But with a load of gall and bit of arrogance I picked up the size 20. It couldn't hurt to try, right? At least it would give me a benchmark to assess my current size. I grabbed another pair of pants in a size 20 and then found some capris in size 24 and a few shirts. All of these I took to the dressing room and proceeded to try on.

The size 24 capris fit fine and were a bit roomy. Okay, that was positive. One of the shirts was a possibility. Then I reached for the other black capris. I put these on and as I slid them up and over my hips I thought "You have a lot of gall to try this size, girlie. Like they would ever fit."

Shock and awe when they did. They fit! My word, was I reading the label correctly? Was I actually wearing a size 20? Was it possible that I wasn't completely insane to have picked them up off the rack? Was this really happening to me?

I took off the black capris and tried on the size 20 blue slacks. Again, success! Again, I was fitting into a pair of pants that just moments ago I was mocking myself for even pulling off the rack. I could not believe it.

Of course, the rationalization started after that. This was a department store and I bet the sizes ran a bit large. It was likely a rather big fluke that I was fitting into a size 20. These particular pants were probably just cut generously. Who was I kidding to believe that I might actually be wearing a size 20?

But time was running out. So, after trying on a few more things, I raced up to the cash register and paid for the black size 20 capris and a shirt. Total purchase? $79. (Those capris were $45!) Then I headed to the other side of town to the other mall. I had about a half an hour and I was hoping to find at least one or two other shirts.

I hit the other "fat" store that I have frequented throughout my years of obesity and I realized with distinct sense of distaste that I just hated their clothes for the most part. They are cheaply cut, cheaply made and often too wild for my sense of style. Fortunately, I found a store right next door that was newer that I had not noticed before and also sold up to size 24. I raced through that store and tried on a few shirts and left without a purchase. Then I remembered the department store just a few doors down had a section that held promise for me a few months ago. This is the section of most department stores that they call the "Woman's" section and they run sizes 14-24. Like anyone in the store who doesn't wear a size 14-24 is not a woman?

I had fifteen minutes left and I still needed a shirt. I raced through the department store and found a few possibilities as well as another pair of dark brown capris. I quickly tried everything on and decided hastily on the capris. If I raced back to the newer store before they closed, I could buy a shirt that I halfway liked to go with the capris. Total cost of capris? $25.

I made it to the newer store with just three minutes to spare before closing. I tried on the shirt that I halfway liked and realized that what I didn't like about it was the sleeve length. Fortunately the saleswoman found another option with longer sleeves (my upper arms are one of the areas that needs the most camouflage) and I again quickly decided on two shirts in that style. Total cost for two shirts? $25.

In less than an hour and a half I had hit four stores, spent $130, and came away with three shirts and two pair of capris.

I was going to be well-attired for my little jaunt down to southern California. And I at least had made a dent in a realistic summer wardrobe for myself.

In the last store, I put on the dark brown capris I had purchased and just left them on. Then I ran to the grocery store. The shirt that I had been wearing that day was two to three sizes too large for me and after my successful shopping trip, I just couldn't stand to wear it any longer. So, when I parked at the grocery store, I hopped into the back seat (tinted windows there) and pulled out one of my new shirts and changed. Then I nearly skipped out of the car feeling cute and summery and smaller than I have felt in a long, long time.

It certainly made grocery shopping a perky experience.

All in all a great night. One that has left me feeling very grateful. Despite what I perceive as the slowness of this weight loss an experience like that reminds me that my body is responding enthusiastically to the six-month long change.

And I grow more and more grateful for that evidence each and every day.

Body Report: Recent Changes

2009-06-17T07:38:00.000-07:00

The weight loss is going much, much slower than I expected. I chalk this up to three things:

1. Not eating regularly--especially waiting to eat breakfast and then postponing lunch and finally consuming most of my calories after work.

2. Lack of exercise: I do now have a gym membership but my stress level has been pretty high for a while and I have not been getting to the gym regularly. Or even walking outside. Or doing Pilates or yoga in my house. The exercise thing has REALLY got to change.

3. My stress level: With school and work and many issues that those have brought up, I've been feeling overwhelmed. And I don't do overwhelmed really well. My coping mechanism is then to avoid, avoid, avoid. So, I'm not doing so well with handling the stress of it all.

So, I have not lost any weight in the last few weeks. And now it is the week before my period (sorry if that is TMI) and I often hold on to or gain weight the week before it and then the week after I suddenly drop a bunch of weight. Seriously, that is the week that my weight loss for the month usually comes in.

Yet despite the slow weight loss, I know things are changing in the body department.

Pants are looser: I put on a pair of pants the other day and they were loose and starting to fall off my hips. I bought these pants just a couple of months ago and they were tight when I bought them. It was only a month or so ago that they started to feel really comfortable. Well, they have suddenly passed comfortable and they are now loose. Loose enough that if I put my hands in my pockets I can pull them down off my hips if I'm not careful.

The clothes department in general needs a lot of help. I'm wearing clothes most days that are far too big for me and I feel uncomfortable in most of my wardrobe because of that. I'm always having to hike up something here or adjust something there because they don't fit properly. I've taken to safety pinning a few of my skirts so I can get a little more play out of them. And I have gone shopping a couple of times but I can't seem to find a lot of clothes at the moment. I will have to keep going though because really it isn't fun to get dressed in the morning when you feel uncomfortable at the starting gate.

Waist measurement changes: I lost another inch on my waist. I can usually sense this when I wake up in the morning. This morning was one of those mornings. I could just tell that things were different so I pulled out the measuring tape and what would you know? Another inch. That feels good.

Standing, lifting, turning, moving: I was in traffic the other and at one point I had to turn to look behind me at a rather awkward angle as I was merging into traffic and I turned my head and body back to look and I felt strong and flexible. I suddenly realized that I move with so much more ease than I did a few months ago. Gaining and losing weight is often a process of minutia. When you gain weight your body slowly loses different kinds of movements and degrees of movement. You don't notice a whole lot until you suddenly can't do something like you used to. You adapt and adjust to the lack of movement or the new force and effort it takes to do something you once did with ease.

It is the same with losing weight. You are constantly accessing a new normal when it comes to movement and just like going up the scale you forget rather quickly what it was like "before" as your body quickly adapts to its increased range of motion and movement. I do things now like bend over when I'm sitting in a chair and pick something up off the ground. That used to never happen. If I dropped something on the ground it had to stay there until I had the energy to stand up and bend over and pick it up.

Now, I squat down to look at prices of food on the bottom shelf at the grocery store. I pick up and lift things with more ease. I climb stairs without getting winded. I actually climb stairs instead of taking the elevator.

Standing is also different. When I'm heavy, I'm always noticing my feet. They are a constant source of pain. Every step makes you feel like you want to sit down. Standing for long periods of time is out of the question. Yet, now I'm standing for longer and longer periods of time and not noticing my feet. I'm walking further and further. I'm simply more active.

So, yes, the body is changing.

The only other thing to mention on the body report is what I've been moaning about on here for a few weeks. HUNGER. I am hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry on a nearly constant basis lately. I'm also not doing a great job of cooking interesting and exciting meals. So, I know the two are combined. I'm existing on a lot of salmon, turkey burgers, roasted veggies, apples, almonds and coconut milk smoothies. The food has got to get interesting again.

I'm sure part of my hunger issue comes from my heightened stress level and how poorly I've been handling it. I have no doubt that plays a role in my sometimes out of control hunger. And also the fact that I'm not feeding myself regularly because of my stress level. It is all combining into a symphony of nonstop hunger pangs.

Yet besides the hunger and the slow weight loss, I still feel like things are progressing and moving right along. Now, if I can just get them to move along a little bit faster.

Hunger

2009-06-16T15:44:00.000-07:00

My hunger is a sharp thing. It sits in the pit of my stomach, at the back of my mind, in the tense light of each of my waking hours. Relentless, unbidden, persisting. Ever present.

I try to assuage its pangs with food. I feed the sharpness, I cool the hot thirst, I stop and acknowledge its presence.

My hunger does not leave.

It rakes my belly most days through the ticking of the clock and the white heat of a shining day. It accompanies me into the dark hours of night and snakes its way from the soft folds of my center up through my chest, behind my eyes, throughout my brain.

Pulsing.

Beating.

Living.

My muscles tense, my head aches, I seek comfort and solace away from this growling burden, this constant pull inside of me. I push it away hoping it will disappear.

It does not.

It slices neatly through my meager defenses, assaulting me through the thrum of my heart with words that batter me.

I am so hungry.

I must spend time, hours, days attending to its pressing need, its near-stifling presence, its overwhelming load.

Feed me. I am so hungry.

In morning, its sharpness is muted, softer in its approach. Exhausted from its pursuit, I unwisely ignore its gentle reminders and benign probings, glad for a break as I throw it a morsel here or a drink there. It roars to life again within hours rearing its tyrannical head as my day progresses, beating every other thought out of my consciousness.

I succumb to its violence, its heat, its oppression. I seek to soothe, to calm, to comfort through taste, texture, smells and colors. Sometimes it abates allowing these things to sate its appetite. Allowing me some peace and solace from its clawing, voracious need.

Those are the days I breathe with joy.

Other days I cannot contain it, approach it or help it.

Those are the days it seems my hunger may end up eating me.

2009-06-15T12:33:00.000-07:00

"Now we know that chronic inflammation, caused primarily by exposure to incompatible foods, is at the root of metabolic problems like diabetes, cardiovascular disease and obesity. The immune system chemicals block insulin receptors; so, guess what happens to the sugars we eat? They get stored as fat. Cut the inflammation, cut the fat storage," said Roger Deutsch, co-author of the excellent book, "Your Hidden Food Allergies Are Making You Fat."

How to Help an Eleven-Year-Old Girl with Weight Issues: Part I

2009-06-13T06:00:00.000-07:00

At church the other day, I saw a two little girls sitting near each other who were both chubby. They both looked to be about 11 to 12 years old. They both had skinny siblings surrounding them. They both were facing years of struggle that I so wanted to take from them. I know that isn't the best parenting technique--children need to struggle and grow from their challenges. I just so wished that I could reach out and teach each of them and their families a few things so maybe, just maybe, these girls didn't have to struggle quite so much.

I remember being eleven years old and chubby. I remember wishing desperately that this wasn't my challenge. Over the years, I've thought often about what I would do if I was the mother of preteen chubby girl. How would I help her? What would I do? What would I make sure I did NOT do?

I'm not sure that I know much about this topic but I certainly have a few ideas. I certainly have some experience living this reality but sometimes it almost makes me more shy about offering my opinion because I know how royally screwed up you can become from people interfering in the wrong way.

Yet, I can't deny that I just wished I could help in some way. With what I know today, here's where I would begin when talking to each girl's mom and dad about what changes need to occur.

Family Eating: The first thing that must change is how the ENTIRE family is eating. If you want to guarantee failure in helping your daughter then single her out, tell her she has to eat differently, and then proceed to make "special" meals for her. Your girl will turn into an emotional secret eater with that kind of encouragement. Eating will become more powerful and more dangerous for her because now food will be her only solace as everyone gangs up on her and her "issue." Not the way to go, my friends.

What needs to take place instead is a complete and utter overhaul of family meals as well as the pantry and refrigerator. Look to someone like Dr. Oz for inspiration. Remove all fake food from your house. Get rid of packaged products. Remove everything with high-fructose corn syrup, partially hydrogenated oil and white flour. That means out goes most of the cereal, all of the soda, and all those boxes of crackers and cookies that are taking up space in the pantry. You must return to real food, whole foods, pure foods. If your 11-year-old daughter is gaining weight like crazy then likely she is having severe hormonal issues as well as blood sugar problems as well as endocrine problems. Fake food, chemicals, additives and pure junk food is only exacerbating the problem--as well as her emotional state.

Then family meals need to change as well. They need to primarily feature vegetables, whole grains and lean meats and good fats. Foods that are whole, sustaining, and fresh. If the food has been through any kind of processing then it is suspect. Yes, that means things like pasta and cereal and even breads. If the food hasn't been processed by your own hand then it shouldn't be at the dinner table. So, get cooking Mom and Dad.

Food Allergies and Food Sensitivities: Get her tested for food allergies and food sensitivities. Go to a doctor with medical and alternative health training and ask for an IgG food sensitivity test. This will help pinpoint the foods that are causing your daughter's body to react. Read some information from Dr. Hyman on this topic. Once you've barred high-fructose corn syrup, partially hydrogenated oils, and white flour from the house, the next main three culprits are likely dairy, wheat and corn. All three are highly processed and the most common allergens in our food system. Cut them out next. At least for two month to three months. Watch all of your children react to food that is real, whole and full of excellent nutrients. See what behavior problems, emotional issues, and attention disorders disappear from your home.

Set an Example as a Parent by Actually NOT Eating Junk Food: This is where the rubber hits the roads in most families. Mom and Dad this is your family. You set it up, you buy the food, you set the example. If either of you are eating terrible food then you can guarantee that your child is going to eat it too. This can't just be mom's crusade for health or dad's push for family wellness, this has to be both parents eating good, whole foods that are nourishing and healthy and very, very yummy.

If mommy has a secret candy stash or a daily Diet Coke habit, I can guarantee that every child knows about it. Those children will be craving sugar and treats and soda pop as well. They will soon develop their own secret candy stash or daily soda habit as well. But if mommy has rid herself of her own food cravings and is making a fruit smoothie every morning and eating a veggie omelette, then suddenly the kids will start wanting smoothies and eggs themselves.

If daddy relishes eating vegetables every night at the dinner table then the children are going to pick up on that and start relishing vegetables too. But if daddy's plate mainly features meat and bread and he turns up his nose as the veggies are passed around then all the kiddies are going to follow right along and turn up their noses as well. Food, really, really good food will not make much progress in your household unless mom and dad learn how to welcome it whole-heartedly.

So, Mom and Dad get eating and cooking food that is palatable, delicious and nourishing.

That is all for now, folks. Take a minute to digest that information. I will share more ideas soon.

Peeling the Onion: I Haven't Been Self-Medicating with Food

2009-06-11T21:57:00.000-07:00

Great. Now that I've announced that I haven't been self-medicating with food, I may just go on a wild binge soon and start self-medicating with food. I just like to clear the air beforehand because in no way do I want it to appear like I've actually learned how to control myself. That is a complete and utter fantasy.

Let me begin at the beginning though. In the past month I've had two highly anxious, kind-of-dark weeks. Meaning I was panic stricken about some work and school responsibilities and I spent a couple of days holed up in my jammies watching nonsensical movies to ease my troubled mind. My typical modus operandi has been in the past to eat my way through such a week. To eat and eat and eat and eat and then eat some more to distract myself from the pain and dark misery that I'm experiencing.

Then I went on the allergy-elimination diet and my dark weeks turned into semi-troubling and painful kind of weeks where I still wanted my jammies and movies but no longer was their misery and pain and intense darkness because there was no fallout from my out-of-control bingeing.

Cue a complete and utter miracle in my life.

Yes, I still have bad days and bad weeks and no, things are not always hunky dory in my life, but my miserable weeks just don't seem to produce the high emotion and spectacular drama of misery that I used to be able to wrangle out of them.

I think I was a bit shocked this last time that I wasn't bingeing. I was surviving on the grapes and rice cakes and almond butter. And I was getting hungry one day and didn't want to cook and thought "Who cares? I'm just going to go buy whatever I want and eat it." Which got modified to "Well, at least if I'm going to buy something, I want it to be pretty spectacular food because if I have to feel miserable for two or three days after that food I want it to be really, really good." Which got modified to "Well, if I really want to eat something spectacular that isn't made out of factory-farmed, antibiotic-laced beef, I should just make it myself from grass-fed beef. Those taste better anyway," which moved me to "Well, if I'm going to all the trouble to make this burger than I'm going to go whole hog and do it up right with fresh guacamole, nitrate-free bacon, sauteed onions and mushrooms and almond cheese," which brought me right back to the fact that making it myself was likely going to taste better and I would be happier with the end result than going out and buying a greasy burger and trans-fat full fries.

Which meant I wasn't going out to buy food. Which nixed the bingeing in the bud.

I have plenty of options at home if I want really good food: coconut milk smoothies, spinach turkey burgers, almond butter brownies, almond chocolate chip cookies, roasted potatoes, fried onions, salmon with avocado slices and the list goes on. I've already vetted every ingredient in those meals and know exactly what I'm putting into my body. I don't have to wonder if the guacamole has a gluten filler or if the sauce has high-fructose corn syrup or if the potatoes were deep fried. I don't have to pull cheese off the burger or wipe away the bbq sauce that I asked them to hold and they forgot. I don't have to wish that for all of my effort and time I was eating something that actually tasted so amazingly good that it lit up all the cells in my body with good vibrations.

Plus, when I do eat food that is full of sugar, dairy, corn and wheat and all kinds of other additives and chemicals, I get started on this pretty awful treadmill that is hard to get off. Those foods set off cravings in my brain that tend to overpower every other thought inside me and turn on powerful biological and chemical components in my body that make me want those foods over and over and over again all the while making me sick and unhappy and unhealthy.

It is such a powerful cycle too that it is hard---very, very, very hard--for me to pull myself out of its vortex as I get brain fog, feel depressed and feel lethargic. Then nothing tastes good or sounds good or is good for me. Right now, it just isn't worth it.

All of that logic and reasoning and suddenly I realized that I had talked myself out of bingeing.

It doesn't mean that tomorrow I won't binge. It doesn't mean that I won't ever eat a greasy burger and fries from a local burger joint sometime soon. It doesn't mean that I have it all figured out.

All this story is for me is about one time when I was stressed and overwhelmed and tired I didn't choose into my old behavior pattern because suddenly the cost of that behavior was much higher than the benefit.

Really though even for that to happen one time for me is a miracle. So, I had to document its reality because I know that sometime in the future when I'm brain fogged and lethargic and full of cravings, this kind of stuff will help remind me why I'm choosing to live the way I'm living and why it really does matter after all.

The Hunger Pangs as My Allergy-Free Life Continues

2009-06-05T01:56:00.000-07:00

I've been hungry for the last week or so. Not always hungry, not constantly hungry, not famished either. Just hungry on a consistent, daily, never-ending basis.

Surprising, isn't it? I mean none of you have such an experience on a daily basis, right?

I think I'm at a bit of a crossroads or a learning curve in this whole gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, corn-free, oats-free, HCFS-free, partially hydrogenated oil-free lifestyle. I'm to the point where the romance of this whole journey is wearing off just a bit and I'm feeling the day-to-day reality that if I am hungry I must cook something. If I don't cook something, I don't eat. Simple, right?

Right.

You are talking to the former Queen of the Drive Thru. If it has been served through a window, I've likely eaten it. If it comes in a box, I've likely eaten that too. And if it contains flour or sugar, I've definitely consumed it at some point in my previous life.

Not so now.

Now, I have to cook breakfast. I have to cook lunch. I have to cook dinner. And if any snacks are to be had, I've got to make those too.

You see why almonds and apples are my favorite food friends? They are fast, convenient and packaged by nature and they take little or no effort from me to prepare.

The only thing is I can't seem to subsist on just apples and almonds all day. I need taste and texture and something yummy and juicy in my mouth at some point or the hunger pangs don't ever completely subside.

Last night that meant a roast chicken at 10:30PM. The day before that was grilled trout. Then a whole pan of roasted veggies. Tomorrow it will likely be a fresh fruit smoothie, then as many cherries as I can stand, then maybe some beans with onions and tomatoes topped with fresh guacamole. Everything made from scratch because that is the best way to go when you have a food sensitivity to nearly every packaged food in America.

Before I used to buy crackers and cookies and pasta and bread. I had no idea how much I really relied on foods that had been in some way pre-processed for me until I found that I could not eat most foods like that.

Here is what I buy that is processed or packaged now (not including oils and spices):

canned salmon and tuna

almond butter

organic brown rice cakes

juice-sweetened jam

raw nuts (I mean that I'm not cracking them out of their shells--that is pre-processed, yes?)

almond flour and coconut flour

Dagoba chocolate

canned beans

almond milk and coconut milk

Also, I buy organic popcorn and pecan nut crackers for the kiddie winks when they come to my house each weekend, but I can't eat either of those things.

Why am I telling you all of this? Really, just to highlight for myself what a big change has been brought about in my kitchen and in my life because I no longer eat things like

corn or flour tortillas

bread

bagels, French bread, English muffins

cereals of any kind

crackers or cookies or donuts or baked goods

cheese--glorious cheese, wonderful cheese (some days I really miss you)

corn chips or potato chips or even Barbara's Cheese Puffs--I used to have a clandestine appointment with those things each week in the car after my grocery shopping. As long as the entire bag was disposed of before I got home, I could pretend that I never actually consumed them.

I think I'm missing the convenience of having a food on hand that I could just pull out and eat without any thought towards preparation. Now, if I don't think about preparation then there usually isn't food. Meaning, I put off eating much more simply because food takes time to prepare and sometimes the hunger pangs can be pushed back and ignored for another half hour because of the effort involved in making food. I certainly think that anyone who wants to lose weight or improve their health should be reduced to little or no packaged food like me because it makes you consider carefully every food choice. If we all had to make nearly every morsel that went into our mouths we wouldn't be consuming so much junk for food. Most people likely wouldn't be consuming nearly as much food. It just takes time.

Even though I prepare most of the food that I eat from scratch, my weight loss hasn't gone at quite the clip I expected. I'm sure that is part of what has taken the bloom off this rose too.

So, what do you do?

Well, right now, I'm hungry, so I've got to go contemplate whether it is worth the effort or not to feed myself.

Wish me luck.

Go-To Food for the Very Hungry among Us

2009-06-03T16:38:00.000-07:00

So, I was STARVING the other night--you know, the kind of hungry where you begin to believe that your innards are slowly metabolizing your entire body. My eating had been haphazard for a few days. I get into this particular cycle where it is just too darn much trouble to make something or eat something. It's like I believe in food fairies--these kind, loving, unseen friends who will perceive that I'm too busy to make anything or too busy to eat anything and they will suddenly appear out of the woodwork carrying delicious, scrumptious meals that tantalize my tastebuds and fill my hungry stomach.

Just so you know, the food fairies have yet to show up. But in the fantasy land of my brain, when I'm in my "too-busy" cycle, I seem to believe that this time if I just get hungry enough one of them will show up and feed me

chipotle grilled chicken and avocado salad with a lime ginger vinagrette

juicy baked chicken drizzled with balsamic vinegar and a honey glaze

seared flank steak with red peppers, asparagus, sweet peas and yellow onion

almond chocolate cupcakes with a dark chocolate ganache

nourishing lentil soup with sweet potatoes and curry

Hmmmmm. Anybody hungry yet?

Well, that night when I came home starving, no food fairies showed up. That meant I knew I had to make something in 10-15 minutes that was plain, earthy, fill-your-gut kind of food or I just might begin and all-night and all-out, I-will-eat-sugar-corn-dairy-wheat-or-die kind of nosh.

This is what I made that night: Mom's ground turkey recipe from simplyrecipes.com. I also chopped up a sweet potato, some red potatoes, and a sweet onion and tossed them in olive oil and baked them. The ground turkey took about 15 minutes and the roasted veggies about 30 minutes. And then I proceeded to do such a serious nosh that I ate EVERY LAST BITE of the turkey and the veggies. Yes, it took me about two hours but I ate it all. It was a great meal that filled up my very hungry tummy.

This food is what I call peasant food. It is food that is fast, filling and fabulous. It is food that can be made over and over again. It is food that you can make out of the usual staples that you keep on hand all the time.

It is good food.

And I went to bed very full and very happy that night.

Spotting the Cravings

2009-06-01T13:30:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was Sunday dinner with the family. It was a good day and I was feeling good. In fact, as the day was winding down and I was getting ready to go home, I remember thinking "Wow, I feel good today. I haven't had the usual cravings that I experience when I am around a bunch of food that I can't eat and watching other people enjoy that food."

I think that thought came too soon. At least I should have paid attention to it.

One thing I have figured out about myself and cravings is that the moment I start to believe I have it all figured out is the exact moment that I'm headed off on another binge or crave indulgence. It's like I'm moving along quietly just doing my thing and trying to improve my life and all of a sudden a thought occurs to me like "Wow, I'm doing really well with holding off the cravings lately. That is awesome."

That is the moment that all trouble breaks loose.

The minute I become conscious of doing well with cravings or fighting off binges--that is the exact moment I become most vulnerable to them.

It has taken a long and storied career of experience for me to figure this out. The exact moment I become proud of myself is the exact moment I am set up to take a nosedive.

So, imagine after dinner on Sunday when I suddenly became conscious of my perceived "success" dealing with cravings that day is the exact moment I should have been on the lookout for a craving to hit me full force.

I happened to be near the extra fridge in the house looking for something. When I opened the fridge I saw my mom's stash of juice in there. She buys the Dole juices like Pineapple Orange and Orange Peach Mango and I love them.

But I'm supposed to stay away from oranges. For some reason I'm still having some food sensitivities with oranges and I knew this. But sometimes I like to flirt with the edge and that day I was in a flirting mood because come on! I was strong! I'd been doing such a great job with my cravings that day. I had been such a good girl. I deserved a treat. I deserved a little reward for staying away from all that other food on the table that day. Just a little swig of juice wasn't going to put me over the edge--even if it contained orange juice.

So, I took a swig. And then another. And then a slight nip of the Orange Peach Mango juice as well. Just a taste. Just a slight indiscretion. Just a momentary flirtation with the food sensitivity line.

And within minutes I was roaring with cravings.

Shortly after my little indulgence, I began thinking of chocolate and cookies and candy and potato chips. Anything and everything. And the reality was that I wasn't even hungry! I was full from a great meal! Yet, that little nip of juice had incited a small riot in my body. One that I spent the rest of the night battling back from. Not because Pineapple Orange juice is bad--or really even chocolate cake or cookies--but because for some reason my body reacts so strongly to certain foods that it whacks out my whole emotional/biological system and one way I've begun to recognize those trigger foods is by the intense and overwhelming cravings that appear shortly after the consumption of said trigger food.

It's like I'm finally starting to unlock the key to managing this whole genetic soup that I've been occupying for thirty years.

All I can say is: Thank goodness.

Drank orange pineapple juice and what it did for me.

Why Diet Food Gets a Bad Name

2009-05-29T18:37:00.000-07:00

My little sister graduated from high school yesterday and to celebrate we went out to lunch after the ceremony.

She picked a great pizza/pasta place in town but I knew the second I heard where we were going that I would not be able to eat much. Eating out is usually fun and most of the time I can find something to eat but when you go to a place that specializes in all things white flour it usually means that most of the menu will be off limits to me.

Not a big deal really. I called the restaurant a few days before and checked with their chef to see if their soups were viable options for me. They were not as most had a flour base to them. So, that left me with the salad bar. It really was a pretty good salad bar considering. I piled my plate with all sorts of veggies and sunflower seeds and kidney beans and sprouts etc. The kicker is when you get to dressings. Between the sugar and the dairy in most dressings they are also not options for me. I did find some olive oil to dress the salad but it wasn't terribly flavorful.

And that is where the kicker comes in when it comes to diet food. I was eating this pretty good salad with all these different tastes and textures and I still knew that I would have to go back to work and pull out my salmon and almonds. While the salad was good it didn't satisfy me. It didn't do good things to me all the way down to my toes. It didn't make me sigh with satisfaction.

Those feelings of satisfaction and good taste often come from the good fats we are eating. It comes from the juicy chicken, the avocado dressing, the olive oil and ginger/lime dressing. Fat is what satiates us and makes us thrilled with a meal. Fat is often what makes food go from good to great.

That is why diet food stinks. If I was on a "diet" and eating that food I would leave lunch feeling somewhat full but completely unsatisfied. This is why diets don't work either. They leave you mostly unsatisfied and craving all kinds of things because your body is not getting the nutrients and essential fatty acids that it needs to function beautifully each day.

So, remember if you are having a large meal of veggies that you also pump up the raw nuts and the good fats like olive oil or fatty fish or avocados. Make sure there is some part of the meal so tantalizing and yummy that you can feel it all the way down to your toes. Then you will leave dinner not only full but satisfied.

It's Official: Under 300 Pounds

2009-05-28T14:56:00.000-07:00

It's official. I woke up today and got on the scale. I was 297 pounds. I've been flirting with going under 300 pounds for a couple of weeks now and it seems my body has finally arrived at a decision. I'm happy for that. While I continually remind myself that this journey encompasses much more than just numbers on a scale, it is nice to see progress in that area.

The progress on the weight front has been slower than I anticipated. I'm sure that my poor sleeping habits, stress at work, and not eating breakfast or lunch and consuming most of my food after 5PM is not helping. When I'm stressed I don't sleep as well or pay attention to eating a great breakfast and lunch. I'm working on all of this.

What I am happy about is the fact that I'm not self-medicating with food right now. That I haven't done that for five months--at least not on the scale that I was once accustomed to doing. That makes me happy.

From a year ago, I'm down about 60 pounds. One year ago we were on a trip to Denmark--a fun, amazing, memory-making trip that I so wanted to enjoy more than I could because I was miserable. My body and my mind and my spirit hurt. I so wanted freedom of movement but that did not come on this trip. Each step hurt. Each adventure was exhausting. Each expenditure of energy was weighed and measured and contemplated. While it was a GREAT trip, I know that even at my current weight, I would have enjoyed and savored that trip so much more.

I want more great trips in my future with a stronger, healthier body. I have had this challenge of obesity since I was young. I've spent countless moments wishing, praying, hoping and screaming for this challenge to be taken away from me. I did not want it. It was not me. It did not represent who I am. It has been painful in every aspect of my life. It has informed and molded nearly every decision I have made since I was nine years old. It is a burden that I just did not want to carry. Ever.

After all this time, after all these years, I look at my life and wonder just how it would be different if I had not had to fight the battle of obesity. I'm not sure what it would like. I, of course, imagine that it would be better, but who can really say?

What I do know is that all of that longing, all of that wanting, all of that wishing pushed me to figure out how I could have the healthiest body and the healthiest life amid the genetic and environmental soup I was given. I think that has made me passionate about health. And that passion is something that I want to talk about and think about and share for a long, long time.

Maybe along the way, I can help some others in their journey on this path too. I think that might make all those prayers and hopes and wishes worth it.

A New Bite: I Ate a Hamburger and Fries

2009-05-24T22:31:00.000-07:00

I ate a hamburger and fries this week--a real, honest-to-goodness, I-went-through-the-drive-thru-and-ate-way-too-much kind of burger and fries.

The allergy-diet met its first challenge on the wheat and dairy spectrum. And I have survived.

But before we get to all of that let me just begin with I've been out of commission and in bed for most of a week. Yuck and super yuck. Now that I'm blogging again I feel like I'm back up and raring to go. I don't plan time for blogging, but I get a certain itch when I haven't been blogging for a few days. So, I'm back!

The eating while I was sick went like this: don't eat, too tired to eat, don't know what to make, I'm hungry, don't eat, too tired to eat, don't know what to make, I'm really hungry, too tired to eat, now I'm really hungry, don't know what to eat, don't want to take the effort to make something, and now I'm REALLY REALLY hungry, drink some water, eat a handful of almonds, now I'm officially so hungry my insides are melting together because of the heat of my hunger, eat some more almonds, then an apple, hunger abates, sleep some more, wow is it really 9PM at night? no wonder, I'm so hungry, don't eat, too tired to eat, don't know what to make, what food could I buy? nothing sounds good, plus I would have to drive, deciding hurts my brain, oh, yes, I'm so hungry now the paint starts to look appealing, what can I make? cut an onion, sautee in grapeseed oil, poach two eggs, drink some water, now onions and eggs, hmmm, so good, oh, my word, I'm eating an entire onion out of choice! I've turned into my Grandmother, I don't care at least I'm full, it feels so good to be full, what it is 11PM? I'm so tired, must sleep, belly full, life good, feeling better, food is good.

Yes, that was how each day proceeded. I would sleep, wake up hungry, sleep some more, wake up again, try to sleep and then fight my hunger the rest of the day because I just didn't want to make anything. Finally, sometime in the evening I would throw together some food because I was just so famished. Most often it was eggs or apples or almonds or a turkey burger and fried onions. Seriously, am I my Grandmother? This woman used to wax poetic about the wonders of the onion. She ate onions as often as possible and usually raw. I spent most of my life completely bewildered by this adoration of such a lowly vegetable until last year when I discovered Vidalia onions or sweet onions. Oh. My. Goodness. So yummy, so sweet, and so tantalizing.

After a week of sleeping and eating onions, I needed to get out. Literally. So, I decided on a run to the grocery store to restock the cupboards.

My eating over the last week was not spectacular: very few greens, not a lot of fruit, no regular meals, but let's be real here. I wasn't consuming crackers and cookies and cheese fries and soda and potato chips. I was eating whole, real food. I was a little shocked when Thursday rolled around to realize that for a week of not wanting to cook, I was still eating at least decent food.

I think that scared me.

I've had such a deeply ingrained mentality about the morality of food--that's a "good" food and that's a "bad" food--that I've had to be very aware of that habit. It is a habit that leads me down the road of disordered eating and aligning my self-worth with the kind of food that I'm eating. Like "Since I only ate broccoli and carrots and chicken today, I'm a good girl." Or "I was so bad I ate TWO pieces of chocolate cake tonight." That is kind of disordered thinking that leads millions of American women to hate themselves and their bodies. For me, it leads me down a road of obsession and compulsion about "being good" and "eating perfectly."

This new way of eating--the allergy-free diet--has forced me out of that habit of thinking this way because what I'm thinking about now is "How will this food help my body?" or "Will this food hurt my body?" and then I watch closely for reactions to foods.

So, to suddenly find myself staring at a week where I was not in top form and still eating decently made me wonder if my body was suddenly inhabited by aliens. Or if I had had a brain transplant. Or if the world was about to end. Because when I'm hungry, I eat. And when I'm emotionally unhappy, I eat. And when I'm not feeling well, I eat whatever I want because why make myself suffer?

Which is why I freaked out.

I had spent a whole week feeling miserable--emotionally and physically---and I had not even attempted to binge or gorge or somehow deal with my emotional fallout by eating. And I just didn't. I hadn't even considered it. I had just eaten what was on hand and all of it was real, whole food.

So, I did my little freak out and decided it was time. Time to buy a burger and fries and be okay with it emotionally and see if my body could handle it allergy-wise.

Don't ask me what my logic was here just know that it sounded good at the time.

So, when I finally made it out of the house that weekend, I drove over to a local burger place and order a double cheeseburger with extra sauce and wild fries.

And then I took a big fat bite.

I'm not gonna lie. Those first few bites were great--the salty and the sweet and the hot burger and the cold pickle and the cheesy cheese. Yum. I savored each bite.

But really as I was eating it, I was feeling some disappointment. It didn't seem to be as good as I remembered. It didn't seem to hit all the right notes for me. It seemed somehow to be sadly lacking. It wasn't unbelievably great.

But I kept eating because come one, it was gooooood.

Bite after bite and one mouthful to the next I enjoyed the hot, salty gooeyness of it. And then I just kept going, going, going. And I started to feel a bit fatigued, a tiny bit bloated and definitely overwhelmed.

I was overwhelmed by the salt, the sugar, the chemically something of the food. It just suddenly all became too much for me. Too, too much. For all of that wanting and hunger and wishing, the food just didn't live up to all of my expectations. I could have made a better one.

At least that was my first response. A tad prideful, a bit much, but I've become so accustomed to really, really good food lately that I realized as I was eating this chemical-laden, pre-packaged, warmed-over burger that I could have made a more tantalizing and likely healthier burger if I had just made it at home.

And my only response to that is that the worst part of this allergy-free diet is I'm turning into a bit of a food snob.

To Buy a Gym Membership or Not? That is the Question

2009-05-17T21:03:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to decide for a few weeks how to change my workout routine and what I need to do next. Just walking isn't cutting it anymore. Not that anything is wrong with walking but after hiking with Katy last weekend, I realized if I really, really, really want to climb Mt. Timp by the end of the summer, I better get a strong workout routine going quickly. In other words, I've got a lot of work to do if I'm going to get there.

What seems to make sense right now is buying a gym membership. But I don't know that I would qualify as a gym girl. I also don't know that I want to spend part of each day locked in a room with a bunch of other sweaty people bombarded by thumping music. The natural world seems so much more appealing.

I did go last night and visit the gym I have been considering. It is close to my house, full of all kinds of equipment, and certainly a decent possibility. I wasn't totally convinced one way or the other while I was there. I just know that I need a more consistent, reliable workout. And I'm hoping by having the right environment I can do have that kind of workout.

So, is a gym membership the answer?

Flirting with 299

2009-05-14T18:37:00.000-07:00

I'm doing better at sticking to my "only weigh once a week" rule. It helps that I've been so insanely busy this week that I have not wanted to weigh. What I can tell you is that last weekend I was flirting with the going under 300 pounds. I saw 299 appear on the scale then 301 then 300 and when I kept hoping that 299 would just stick. It did not decide to do that but it does give me hope that very soon the 290s will be hanging out for a while at my house.

The last time I was in the 290s was a rather unhappy period for me. It was about four years ago and I was quickly making my way back up the scale after what I thought had been a successful journey down the scale. I was regaining weight so quickly at this point in my life that I was bloated and angry and hurting and I seemed to just sneeze and I went up 20 lbs. on the scale. It was a cataclysmic and painful time for me.

I'm still not sure I have all the answers to what happened to me then but I do know this: No matter what, I need good fats like olive oil and raw nuts in my diet to feel healthy and satiated and carbs such as wheat and sugar are like dynamite to my system--I blow up when I consume them.

We will see if those theories continue to help me improve my health.

Dinner Plate Photo: Spinach Turkey Burgers, Salad, Veggies, Fruit

2009-05-10T00:32:00.000-07:00

Katy and I had dinner last night before heading off to hike Stewart Falls. Katy is another foodie friend who happens to have celiac disease and some other food sensitivities so our diets are very similar and we talk about food often. Katy has been doing this a lot longer than I have though so it inspires me to hear what she is making and we share favorite recipes with each other.

I love to cook for her because we have such fun talking and experimenting together. And it is thanks to Katy that we have a photo of dinner. She styled the plates and took photos. I likely would have forgotten until the meal was over and then I would have wished I had remembered to pull out the camera.

Menu:

Spinach turkey burgers with almond mozzarella cheese

Spring salad with chopped almonds and apples and Elana's awesome ranch dressing

Zucchini and yellow squash sauteed in olive oil

Strawberry and pineapple salad

Any of this look yummy to you?

I Got Glutenized or Allergerized or Whatever You Call It

2009-05-09T09:02:00.000-07:00

I'm still learning about eating on this allergy-free diet. I've certainly gotten much better over the last few months figuring out what I can and can't eat. As I've done this and been more and more careful about what I'm ingesting, I've started to feel better and better.

When I was on my trip a few weeks ago, we bought some chicken apple sausages at Costco that seemed like they might be okay, so I'm tried them out the next day when I made them for breakfast. Because there were five of us though I didn't get much of the sausages. I remember thinking that they tasted really good and that they seemed to make me immediately start craving more.

I didn't remember that little piece of information clearly this week when I stopped by the grocery store and saw some chicken apple sausages. I just remembered that they had tasted good. So, I read the ingredients carefully and it looked like they were a whole, clean food so I bought two. Yesterday I cooked them both and ate one for breakfast and one for lunch.

Bad idea. Very, very, very bad idea.

My stomach felt rumbly and funny all day long. Immediately after eating the first one in the morning I started having some serious cravings. When the cravings hit me so quickly, my memory of eating this kind of sausage on my trip came back. Was an immediate and intense craving a sign that I might be allergic to a food?

Well, I ate the other one for lunch because it was there and cooked and it wasn't going to hurt me, right? Yeah, wrong. I should have listened to my body earlier. I ate the one for lunch and my stomach continued rumbling the rest of the afternoon. I also suddenly started thinking "who cares what I eat?" and thinking I could blow off this way of eating and dive into a vat of M&Ms.

Also, despite having a pretty good day on my drive home from work I was CRANKY. Cranky and grouchy and pessimistic. Was this a sign I was reacting to a food or was I just having a bad day? How am I supposed to separate the two? I can't attribute every bad day I have to eating something wrong. So, how am I supposed to tell the difference?

All that came to mind was that nothing really wrong had happened that day and I would normally categorize it as a pleasant day except that I seemed to be irritated very easily and wanted to punch people in the face for simply existing. Yeah, that attitude seemed a little out of place for the circumstances.

Then this morning my eyes have been itchy, I'm swollen from retaining water and I still haven't lost my nasty little attitude. So, I'm concluding from the various data presented to me that I am allergic to something from that chicken apple sausage. Would you agree?

My reaction includes:

Immediate cravings that are rather intense
Stomach rumbly and achy
Serious cranky attitude
Eyes itchy, and plugged up nose

It seems I am becoming a bit more sensitive to how I react to food now that I am not eating food I am allergic to every day. And this reaction reminds me exactly why I don't like to feel this way. It STINKS.

Nia Vardalos Loses 40 lbs. When She Stops Eating Cheese

2009-05-08T08:36:00.000-07:00

I read this article the other day with Nia Vardalos where she talks about losing weight. She has recently lost 40 pounds and said that eliminating cheese from her diet changed her life.

I wonder if Ms. Vardalos might possibly be allergic to said food item?

She just might. She acknowledged that she did several other things as well to lose the weight but that eliminating cheese was the thing that turned it all around for her. That's my kind of turn around.

That's how I've felt about eliminating wheat, dairy and sugar from my food life. It seems like things are turning around as a result. Meaning my life feels and seems 180 degrees different than it did just a few months ago. I LOVE IT! I love it, I love it, I love it. Can this be my life forever? This place where I feel good most of the time instead of feeling terrible most of the time? I like feeling good. I really, really like it.

And if staying away from those food substances is going to make me feel this much better this much of the time? Well, let's just say that seems like a small price to pay for joy.

Cravings: Do They Really Go Away?

2009-05-06T21:08:00.000-07:00

I was coming home last night late and I was hungry. I had not stayed up on my eating particularly well that day and I knew I really should eat something when I got home. I had eaten lunch late too--at 5:00PM. So, I was appropriately hungry now at 9:30PM at night.

My 5PM lunch had been a spinach salad with ground turkey, tomatoes, sliced almonds and some dairy-free ranch dressing I had made a few days before. It was a yummy salad. So as I was headed home and hungry, I was wondering what I could eat. And nothing sounded good. It seemed like a lot of work to cook the food. I was tired. It was late. What if I just went to bed without eating? I could eat tomorrow.

Excuse me? I could eat tomorrow?

What alien was inhabiting my body? I've wished most of my life that I could switch bodies with someone, anyone really, who didn't have my issues and who looked good on the outside no matter how messed up she was on the inside. I was willing to trade all of my external and internal dysfunction for her infinitely greater internal dysfunction as long as I could look gooooood in the process. Mostly, I wondered what it could possibly be like to live in a body where you could decide casually one evening that despite being hungry you didn't want to eat so you would wait until tomorrow.

That woman had heard my particular cry and she must be inhabiting my body now because eating has never been a take-or-leave-it business for me. I've always taken it. Food is good. Food is necessary. Food is life blood. Food must be eaten.

Yet, here I was casually contemplating not eating that night because it was too much trouble? I really must be living in an alternate universe. That or living out a very vivid nocturnal dream.

Pinch. Owwwww!

Nope. This is me. Very much awake and alive. Not dreaming, yet contemplating not eating as if it was possibly something I could do without for the next ten hours. Something is very, very wrong with this picture.

Or possibly, I was for the first time in recent memory living in a body that could progress through one day without consuming every calorically viable food substance within a 30 meter range of my presence. A truly life-changing miracle.

For one day. One day, folks, I have walked this earth and not felt that constant, never-ending presence of hunger and need and lack of satiation. For one day, I could join the ranks of those who are not mindlessly hunting food with each and every breath they take. For one day, I didn't have to beat back cravings with blood and sweat and tears. For one day.

What a day it was.

State of My Feelings and My Workout

2009-05-05T15:32:00.000-07:00

I've been home a week now from my vacation to see Amy. I'm just starting to feel like I can get back in the swing of things now. I've been a bit overloaded contemplating all that needs to be done and how I'm going to accomplish the tasks that lay in front of me for the next few months.

Two things are uppermost in my mind: my health and my admission to graduate school. Both of these items are going to take extreme focus. Both of them need planning and daily work. Both of them are going to require sacrifice out of me.

My health must come first. I think the main reason for this is that I can't pursue my educational goals unless my health is balanced and I have energy. I've tried in the past to do school and move forward but without energy and with brain fog, I just sputter and fall apart in the midst of my work.

I don't want to fall apart when it comes to reaching my educational goals and in order for that to occur for me, I need all of my energy at my disposal. It has been a really, really, really long time since I have had this much energy and felt this good. I believe I felt this way through part of my mission. I haven't felt this good since then and my mission was over 10 years ago now. Before my mission, I did not feel good either. And past my teen years, I can't identify well enough how I felt.

In other words, I'm feeling better than I think I've felt in nearly twenty years except for my mission. I also must admit that in 2004-2005 when I was losing weight on Provida's 6WBMO plan I was feeling pretty good too. Yet, not this good and I think it is directly linked to fat and carb intake. I was intaking more carbs in the form of oats, brown rice and red potatoes than I do now and I wasn't taking in any of the good fats like olive oil, avocados or raw nuts. The good fats seem to keep me humming along happily. They keep me smiling.

So, now that I'm feeling so much better, I feel like it is possible for me to get into graduate school and lose weight. The problem is that I want to lose a LOT of weight. Which means that I need to continue eating well, up the amount of veggies I'm consuming, and significantly improve my exercise routine. Does that mean the gym? Does that mean weight lifting? Does that mean body sculpting? I don't know. I just know that I've got to make a plan and work the plan because my haphazard approach so far is not getting me too far.

Finally, I wanted to mention a few things that are changing around Edenland lately. I've talked about how the month of April was pretty stressful for me. Now that I'm back from vacation though I'm getting into a new groove. The other day after my monthly weigh-in I was feeling a bit down. I was happy that I had dropped some weight for the month but I was really, really hoping to drop more than just a few pounds and I was realizing that I needed to put more effort in especially when it comes to exercise if I want more results.

Well, then a few things happened that reminded me that I am progressing in the weight loss area. First, I was sitting in class the other day and I was resting my jaw in my hands. I've always carried weight in my face and neck. My weight always shows up there. Well, as I rested my face in hands I realized that I could feel my jawline more than I have before--meaning my face and neck have lost weight. My jaw was poking through the skin more profoundly than before and I didn't have to hunt for it as carefully as I have before. I was so excited to realize this. It seems sometimes that I lose weight last in my face so to feel such a difference all of a sudden was thrilling.

The second difference I've noticed just in the last few days is my new pants are loose. I bought two pair of pants last month for work because my other pants were falling off of me. For the first two weeks after I bought the new pants, they felt a bit snug. I would wear them all day and then near the end of the work day, I would have to unzip them and breathe deeply for a half an hour. Well, in the last week that has changed. My pants even feel a bit loose. They fit me perfectly just a week ago and now they don't. Isn't that funny how quickly our bodies can change?

Finally the last change in Edenland recently: comments. I've written before about some of my issues with comments when it comes to my weight. My family has been very kind and has not said much of anything to me about my weight--for which I am very grateful. Unlike last time I lost weight, this time I do not want undue attention. Or at least I realize that I quickly turn into an attention hog and I start sucking up compliments like they are water. I don't want that kind of attention or focus again.

Just because I'm not looking for it though doesn't mean I'm not grateful to hear it. I had been gone a week and had not seen my neighbor for a couple of weeks and when I ran into her yesterday she didn't say anything to me about how I had changed because we were in mixed company. But this morning she called me and went on and on about how thin I was getting and how great I looked. I told her I felt great and I hoped that was showing through. She seemed to think that it was. It was nice to hear. Nice to hear that someone notices. I notice changes but I can't tell you if I look any different. So, to hear that do is encouraging especially because I don't feel like I'm in a race and I don't feel deprived.

I still have a long, long, long way to go. I suspect though that if I work hard at the exercise routine this summer and continue eating well that I may just have a chance to get about halfway through the number of pounds I would like to lose. Wouldn't that be a treasure?

Beginning Month Five of the Allergy-Free Diet

2009-05-01T18:41:00.001-07:00

The first two months on this eating plan, I didn't exercise a whole lot and I lost about 10 pounds each month. So, in March the goal was to up the exercise and really come out on top. And while the exercise improved, I still was not spectacular at the exercise. Too much else seemed to be going on in my life. But overall I was REALLY feeling better and I lost another ten pounds. So, I figured the month of April was really my chance. I was going to exercise like a demon and really push it this month and come out on top. Then finals happened and stress galore for me, then my trip to MA and little exercise and suddenly April is over and I'm not sure I've even lost a single pound this entire month.

Yikes!

So, what to do, what to do?

Well, here is where I am at right now. I'm thinking I weigh about 305 pounds, which is status quo for the month. I have dropped another inch from my waist so I'm 47 inches--which is great. I feel like a lot of changes are happening in my body. My face looks different and my clothes fit me much differently. All of that is AWESOME. And no, I'm not going to hyperventilate about the pounds. Not going to do that at all.

What I do want to work on are these things:

Eating more vegetables at each and every meal
Exercising six days a week
Planning fun, frolicy exercise for each Saturday of the next four months (like hiking or kayaking or rollerblading or biking)
Set my goal to climb to the top of Timpanogos at the end of August

I think if I can do those things I will be helping my weight goal immensely. I want my body to be strong and powerful and I think it will if I remember some of these things.

Amy and I had a great conversation about health and weight while I was out there and I loved some of her suggestions. She suggested

That I have an exercise goal for the end of the summer. Something that I can look forward to like run a 5K (or hike to the top of Timp) and I love that idea because it gives a focus and purpose to my exercise
She suggested that when September rolls around I enroll in some classes like dance classes or yoga classes or Pilate classes. Yet another idea I totally love because it had been rolling around in my head for a while too.
Then she suggested that with my food I become really aware of increasing the amount of vegetables that I was eating each day and at each meal. Amy is really aware of balancing the amount of cooked food with fresh food and she is also really aware of color in each meal and it always looking for those dark greens and deep reds to include in each meal. I liked that too.

I know that it is muy importante that I focus on more than just a weight goal. I've got a lot of improvements to make in the exercise arena of my life and I'm okay with that. The eating needs a few tweaks too like more vegetables, less reliance on my "special sauce" and making sure that I am eating regularly and not going more than 3 or 4 hours without food. What I'm hoping is that I can make great goals for exercise and eating well and the weight will just come off as a result. I don't want to overthink the pounds. I just want them to be part of this package of gaining better health and not the centerpiece of it.

I am feeling happy about the eating for the most part though. Amy said something to me on my trip about my eating and how I seemed so okay with eating the way I am on this allergy-free diet. I realized that yes, for the moment, I'm not all tied in knots about what I'm eating and that is nice because embarking on this allergy-free diet, I was worried and concerned whether I could do it and what that would mean and how I would adjust. I still have a lot of adjusting and growing to do but I have found that I'm happier, calmer and full of more energy and right now those things matter more to me. Plus, I'm not suffering in the taste or the great food department so I don't really feel like I have much to complain about. I'm just really, really spectacularly thrilled to be feeling better.

So, for month five and six and seven and eight, I have some pretty lofty goals. I'd like to tweak my eating as I mentioned and really up the quotient factor on my exercise and set some inspiring goals for my fitness. I'd like to move like CRAZY this summer and really build a strong, powerful, awesome body. And I would love to lose about 80-90 pounds in that process.

Is that crazy? Is it possible? Can I do it?

My other very strong goal is to get ready to apply for the MFT program next winter. That means a big load of classes this summer and taking the GRE. So, my life is really health, school and work. Of course the other parts of my life include my writing, my friends, my family and church. All of those things take time too.

The question is can I keep health as a priority and make my goals become a reality?

What Do You Eat When You Are Stranded in a Strange City?

2009-04-29T13:27:00.000-07:00

I got home today from my trip about 12 hours later than planned. My initial flight was delayed and I missed my connecting flight in Detroit so the airline put me in a motel for the night and I flew out this morning.

Once I knew I was staying the night in the city I was not too worried. The only thing that worried me was what I was going to eat. I didn't get to the hotel until 8:30PM and once I settled in my room, I went out to find some food. The only place open in the hotel was a bar. I purchased a small steak with double veggies. The steak was sub par and the veggies were from a frozen mix. They at least abated the hunger.

The next morning once I arrived at the airport I found a little cafe where I ordered some eggs and sausage and bought some fruit. Not the highest quality food but the best I could do under the circumstances. I still had some almonds for the plane and I found some roasted pumpkin seeds as well at one of the airport stores. That kept me satisfied until I got home around noon today and could make myself a blueberry smoothie--yummm! Then I ate some eggs too. I had nothing else in my fridge at home.

So, the story is: I survived 12 hours in a strange city without access to great food. I maneuvered through the problems and came out on top. Yes!

Six Days of Traveling

2009-04-27T12:17:00.000-07:00

Dinner on Thursday night: sweet potato and lentil soup, big salad with red peppers and broccoli, tomatoes, strawberries, blackberries, avocado and red onion. The dandelions in the middle were not for consumption.

Well, so far the allergy-free diet has been pretty easy--only because I'm staying in the home of a friend who likes to cook and eat much like I do and who is also doing some "clean" eating right now because her health is out of whack.

We've been eating and cooking together and figuring out life--one of our favorite things to do. I'm loving the time I get to spend with her. Everyone needs time with friends, kindred spirits who feed your soul. It is incredibly rejuvenating. Amy and I have connected in a way that makes me feel lucky to be her friend. Lucky, lucky, lucky. I'm grateful I get to know her.

We chatted so long today that we forgot lunch and I went downstairs and had a mini-feasting session of blueberry smoothie, salmon and avocado, and even some mushroom chicken and rice. Yeah, the stomach is hurting now.

Really, though one little bit of crazy eating in six days? I only hope I can be so lucky on subsequent vacations.

Traveling and Eating

2009-04-23T10:43:00.000-07:00

I flew most of the day Wednesday to visit my friend Amy. I had a busy two days before I was traveling and while I had thought about meals for the plane I didn't actually prepare the food until the an hour before I was leaving. My plan was to take almonds, apples and hard-boiled eggs. I did take the almonds and apples but I realized that I did not have time to cook the eggs. Fortunately, I had made some salmon the night before and I had baked too much of it and not wanting it to spoil while I was gone I just took the salmon with me. I knew I would not open it in the plane (I might get killed by other passengers) but I could eat it somewhere in the airport on my layover.

My other plan was to just drink water. Every time a stewardess asked me what I wanted to drink I gave them my water order and it helped me stay well-hyrdated. I was tempted once to try some tomato juice but the sodium content was too high so I left it alone.

Overall I got off the last plane about nine hours after I started and I was ready to get to Amy's house. She had some lentil and sweet potato soup cooking and it was GOOOOOOD. So warm and caramely and yummy. It was amazing comfort food.

Thursday we spent part of the day planning meals for the week and shopping. We are now well stocked to feed six people and keep everyone eating well. Lucky for me, Amy likes to eat the same way as I do and feeds her family really well so they like the food too. We are going to enjoy many eating experiences this week.

The Anxiety Week Juxtaposed Against Loads of Energy

2009-04-19T11:31:00.000-07:00

I've been out of commission when it comes to blogging most of this week. It has been finals week and I've been in the throes of writing a paper that was taking every last ounce of my strength and focus. The paper is finally done and I have a final to take before I leave town on Wednesday. When I come back, the next term begins. I've really enjoyed my class this semester so I'm actually looking forward to summer school.

All of the stress I've been under has not been so great for the weight. My eating has been fine but I've spent almost every spare second on my paper and getting ready for finals so exercise has been non-existent and I haven't been really well focused on eating every few hours.

Despite all the stress with the paper and finals, I've really had a good week. I've felt an amazing amount of energy and focus. I've been relatively clear-headed and I've been action-oriented. My house is clean, laundry done and I feel on top of life. Sure work is very busy, school is very busy, I have a lot to do in the next two days, but I'm actually excited about getting things done and then going to see my friend for a few days and help her out.

In fact, in the energy department, I've felt pretty darn spectacular. It seems that all of this work on the allergy-free diet is beginning to culminate into one great big feeling of energy and awareness and joy. I've had people tell me the last few days that I look "bright" and "sparkly." I think my energy must be making me glow. :)

So, yes a bit of an unusual week for me. On the one hand, loads of energy and excitement and on the other hand, intense anxiety with regards to the paper. I've got to say though that despite the misery, the joy has won out this week. I've felt so thrilled to be alive and ready to face the day and willing to work each day and get things accomplished. That is a lovely feeling to have energy and joy and excitement. I will take those any day over the alternatives.

In fact, I've been feeling so good the last few weeks that it has led me to wonder if I've ever felt quite this good. At any time in my life have I felt this much energy and joy and willingness to act? Maybe on my mission? Maybe somewhat when I was doing the 6WBMO plan a couple of years ago? I can see why life is so completely joyful when people are full of energy. It makes it fun to wake up each day. It makes it a blast really. I could keep doing life this way for a long, long time.

How Do I Feel After Three Months on Allergy-Free Diet?

2009-04-15T23:14:00.000-07:00

Dr. Mark Hyman had a great entry on his UltraWellness blog from this past January that I have re-read several times and I've also sent to several friends and family members. Dr. Hyman is talking about healing our minds and our bodies in his post and I find so much of what he says to ring true for me.

One of the biggest sticking points for me in staying away from certain foods is recognizing if those foods have actually affected me negatively. I mean that one of the troubles I've always had with food is that I generally felt a low-grade, constant kind of miserable. I was tired and moody and easily stressed and often in a brain fog. Life did not seem bright. I did not feel active or alert. I've always assumed that if I lost weight, those feelings would dissipate and I would become bright and happy and active. Yet, going off these foods the last few months has taught me that I can feel bright and happy and active even now at 300 pounds because I'm fueling my body properly. It amazes me right now how alert and attentive my brain has been the last several weeks. How much I'm able to process and do. How much more I actually want to do.

That is why I loved the list of side effects that Dr. Hyman lists in this entry.

Feel more alert and focused
Have more stable moods
Enjoy a better memory
Have more energy
Enjoy the kind of restful sleep that will help you wake up more refreshed and able to face your day
Improve your digestion
Decrease chronic sinus problems
Experience pain-free joints
Eliminate headaches
And there are wonderful side effects. You will lose weight automatically and you may even see your sex drive improve.

Let me just tell you what my experience has been with each of these items since I went off dairy, wheat, sugar, oats, corn as well as all food additives like high-fructose corn syrup, MSG, and any processed or packaged food.

Feel more alert and focused: Yes, I have felt much more alert and focused. Previous to this, especially in the last year, I've felt an intense amount of brain fog. I've had trouble making decisions and moving forward because I could not seem to sort through everything that was in my head.
Have more stable moods: Can I just say "Yes!" to this one? It is amazing to not have massive mood swings each day. To feel like I can count on myself. To be on top of things. I love it. I've had mood swings for years and to NOT have mood swings now makes me realize, "Oh, you can really live life like this?" Amazing.
Enjoy a better memory: Yes. No more brain fog. No more indecision. Access to all of my faculties. This is lovely.
Have more energy: In the past, my body would finally seem to wake up around 3 or 4PM each day. Recently, I've been sleeping less and waking up ready to dive into the day ahead with energy to spare it seems. I can't tell you if I have ever felt that way in my life. Most of my life has been spent wishing I could sleep the day away and barely able to drag myself out the door at any time of day. It was such a struggle just to do the basics each day. I call it "survival mode" where the fact that I'm breathing each day is accomplishment enough. Any thing else is simply extraneous action. This begins to cause a problem when things like eating, shopping, cleaning your house, going to work and paying bills seem like extras in life. These are the some of the stuff of life and not doing them each day can become extremely detrimental. My whole life would grind to a halt when I was in survival mode. Everything beyond breathing took enormous amounts of effort. ENORMOUS. I remember sitting in my chair one day overwhelmed with decisions that needed to be made and work that needed to be done and life that needed to be lived. In that moment, I felt that I could not do one more thing. I simply did not have the energy. All I wanted was for my life to be put on hold for a long, long time so I could try to recapture my energy. Even now, it is amazing to me that I have the energy to make decisions, clean my house, pay my bills and go to work. It feels miraculous that I can do those things consistently.
Enjoy the kind of restful sleep that will help you wake up more refreshed and able to face your day: Most of my life, I've wished that I could sleep 10 to 12 hours a day. If I could sleep that much then I felt halfway human. Do you realize how much 2 to 4 hours of extra sleep a day cuts in to your productivity? And if your productivity is hampered by brain fog, low energy and mood swings? Sometimes now just because I feel better I want to pat myself on the back for even surviving the last several years. No wonder I was so miserable! No wonder.
Improve your digestion: Yes. Yes. Yes. My stomach doesn't hurt. I don't feel lethargic and tired after eating. I actually feel clean inside--not bloated or heavy or anything. I love that feeling.
Decrease chronic sinus problems: I have had this little routine for years where every morning when I wake up it would take me a couple of hours to blow my nose and clear our my throat. I never really recognized before that this had to do with allergies. I love not having to do that routine each day.
Experience pain-free joints: Just generally my body doesn't ache like it used to. I'm not hurting. I'm not in pain. My body feels alive and brimming with energy. I want to go and do and move and see and experience. I love that feeling.
Eliminate headaches: I've never had a lot of headaches in my life, but I just enjoy feeling free of illness and full of vigor. I like that my head feels clear and good. I like that I'm not ingesting anything chemical or toxic that could give me headaches.
You will lose weight automatically: I'm still working on the weight loss thing but it suddenly doesn't feel so tremendous and overwhelming. Because I feel good and my body feels good, I imagine that as I keep eating and exercising the weight will come off. I'm not hungry all the time. I'm not thinking about food constantly. I really like food and I like cooking and I like sharing and feasting with others. It is just different. It is not an obsession. It doesn't hound me. It feels so much more balanced and healthy. Also, I've lost my stomach first as I've ben losing weight this time. That has been interesting. Always before it seemed like my stomach was the last to go and I seemed kind of stuffed. Now even at 300 pounds, I feel so much more bendable and flexible around my stomach because I don't feel like things are compacted inside me. It seems like there is room for everything to move around.
You may even see your sex drive improve: I call this one the attraction factor. This one has been the one that I least expected. I used to wonder if I was possibly asexual or something because even though I thought boys were cute or fun, most of the time, I don't notice them that way. Now it is like some light has been turned on in my brain. I'm noticing colors and smells and clothing and eyes. I'm interested in who is interesting. I'm aware. I really think that is the biggest thing. I'm just aware. And I'm really interested to see other people's reactions and hear their thoughts and interact. I'm really interested in interacting. It like some major light has been turned on in my brain. Like, why couldn't I have experienced this in puberty?

Yes, let's just say that eating fresh, whole foods and staying away from all the junk and the food allergies has wrought this incredible change in my energy level and my brain. I LOVE IT.

Stress and Starving

2009-04-13T17:31:00.000-07:00

So, I forgot to weigh myself on Saturday and since I don't officially weigh until the beginning of each month I wasn't too worried about it. Plus, since I forgot to weigh myself, it allowed me to weigh myself the next two days in a row and not feel bad about breaking my only-weigh-once-a-week rule. Yeah, still struggling with that rule.

My stress level has been so elevated for the last week that I wasn't surprised that the weight hasn't dropped. I'm hoping once the stress level goes down, so will my weight. We shall see.

So, today was too stressful and I didn't eat until about 6PM when I was so hungry I wanted to cry. I almost did--cry that is. In the end, I ate some salmon and sliced almonds and an apple.

Still stressed, I was doing nothing productive. I just was sitting and stewing in the juices of my stress. Finally about midnight I left work and I stopped by Carl's Jr. and got a guacamole burger in a lettuce wrap.

That's what I ate: apple, almonds, salmon and guacamole burger. Not a great day of eating. It is too easy to fall back into the habit of not preparing any food and not eating anything until I start to feel a little crazy.

And then I end up starving.

Fasting: When and How We Fuel Our Bodies Really Does Matter

2009-04-12T15:40:00.000-07:00

In my faith, we participate in fasting once a month as a congregation. That means we go without food or drink for a day (usually two meals or a 24 hour period). I've been fasting today. I view it as a spiritual practice and it is a voluntary thing that I do each month to grow closer to God.

Yet, this time it has also been interesting to think about fasting just from my body's perspective. Yesterday, while eating normally and exercising, I felt juiced up and full of myself. I felt strong and powerful. I felt good. Today, as I've been fasting, I've noticed my feelings have changed not just spiritually but physically as well. My body feels weak. I'm hungry. I feel a lack of energy. I'm thinking often of my empty stomach. I want food. I want water. I want to renew myself and my energy level by eating. My energy and strength is so dependent on fueling myself well each day and when I fast that reminder is brought to my attention full force. I am weak when I don't care for my body and its needs.

It is not a far stretch to realize that what I fuel my body with is just as important as fueling my body. I feel so different just in one 24-hour period of not eating that I should not be surprised that I feel so different when I what I eat in one 24-hour period is food that is poor in nutrition and poor in quality. When I eat junk food and loads of sugar and even food that I'm allergic to or intolerant of then my body reacts to that food too and I feel tired and overwhelmed and lethargic. When I fuel my body with whole foods that are fresh and delicious and bursting with nutrients it should not surprise me that the result is that I feel amazing and energetic and happy.

In health, it is easy to forget or minimize the gift our good health is to us. Most people have experienced getting a flu bug or violent cold that leaves us miserable and exhausted for days and days. After the illness has run its course and our energy levels return and we feel well again, most of us are so grateful for that health because of its recent absence. Yet, within days of feeling well again, we forget and begin to take for granted all the gifts and blessings that good health affords us.

That is one of the reasons I am keeping this blog. I have felt miserable for so long that I've become habituated to my misery. Now since I've been doing this allergy-free diet, I've felt so much better. I know that I may easily forget that. I know that the misery I had become so accustomed to will be forgotten on many daily levels for me. And I don't want to forget. I want to remember what eating well does for me. I want to remember why I make the choices I make each and every day to eat differently and eat better than I have in the past. I don't want that quiet, insidious voice in my head to gain any ground when it starts whispering "It's okay. You can eat that. It won't really hurt you. You might have just been imagining it affected you. One little bite won't hurt. Go ahead. Quit being so uptight."

That voice has had too much power in my life already. It has convinced me and kept me away from sticking to this path before. I don't want it to win anymore. I like the path I'm on. I like feeling better. I like feeling energetic. I like having the strength to do the things I want to do. I like having the energy to keep my life going in good and positive directions. I'm happy with the choices I've been making the past few months to live better.

Fasting has reminded me that just as fueling my body each day is very important, so is fueling it with the best foods so that I can maximize my energy and my strength. And that is a lesson I don't want to ever forget.

Discipline the Body

2009-04-11T22:29:00.000-07:00

I've been out of it emotionally for a few days. I've been doing my old trick of indulging myself and not living up to expectations or responsibilities and just letting my overwhelmed emotions rule the day.

After two full days of just indulging and not getting much accomplished, I had to go help my mom with a project tonight. In the process, I decided to work out. I did interval training on the treadmill which seems to turn on some magic button in my body and makes me start to sweat. The first couple of times I did this interval training I felt the weirdest sensation in my body in the middle of the intervals. I felt like I had hit some secret signal in my cells and these toxins and this chemical goo just gushed out of my pores. It was the weirdest, deep burning sensation. And it kind of kicked me into high gear. I don't know if it was part endorphin rush or just some other chemical/biological high but I love it. The interval training totally kicks my butt right now and I LOVE IT.

Tonight, I just wanted to pound my body. I wanted to work myself into the ground. I wanted to sweat and stride and push and work and love it. I'm sure if I had a trainer like Jillian or Bob tonight that I would not have even minded puking a bit (okay, I would have minded, but I would have at least wanted it). Of course, I don't get myself anywhere near to puking. I was only on the treadmill for 40 minutes and then I did pushups and crunches and a bunch of stretching but in the end my body felt worked in a really good way.

I want it to feel strong and hard and good. I'm falling a bit in love with sweating. I love the power that comes from working hard. I love the way my whole body kind of vibrates. I especially love the way I feel a day or two or a week later. Suddenly, I wake up one day stronger. Faster. Brighter. Harder. I love that feeling.

I've been scared of my body for years. She and I have been mortal enemies rather than friends. Sure we have had brief flirtations. Times where we've skirted the issues and tried to get to know one another. Times when I felt like if I could just white knuckle her down that she would finally submit to my wishes, but in the end, the body always seemed to win. Her will won the day. Her desires, her wants, her needs. And mostly what she wanted was to be left alone. Allowed to eat. Unmoved by strength or determination or even passion.

That is until I discovered her passion. Her will. Her strength. When her muscles are taut and strong, her core hard and resilient, her limbs coursing with oxygenated blood, she suddenly will bend to my will, my determination, my passion. Her needs and wants seems satiated when she feels the power that comes from her own strength. Then her strength becomes my strength and we are one. Friends, not mortal enemies. As long as I slake her need and turn on her fire, she will bend to my will. Her way, then my way.

When I was in junior high we were supposed to run a mile in gym class. Every year. And every year, I was one of those girls who could not complete the mile, who ended up walking my way across the finish line. My body betrayed me then. She was not a friend that I could count on or one that I could trust. She hurt and ached and wished to not move. And the whole physical side of life scared me because of the pain my body felt when I tried to move her out of her comfort zone.

Today, I wish that somehow, some way I had learned even then how to turn her on. How to reach down deep and find her fire and and learn to sweat. How to love the feeling of burning lungs and and screaming muscles that ached for more. For there is magic in that place. Magic that I don't want to let go of ever again. Magic that made me and my body friends.

I believe in magic. Thank you body for teaching me that. I finally believe.

Stress and Eating

2009-04-09T14:16:00.000-07:00

I've been more than a little stressed the last few days. Lots to do and I don't seem to be doing all of it well. So, yesterday was a a big stress day. Fortunately, I had made enough food earlier in the week that I had food for the day. I even had food at work. This was all very helpful when the stress level hit its high point.

I had gone to bed late on Tuesday night because I was so stressed. I had eaten well most of Tuesday, so Tuesday night when my stress hit its peak I ate some rice cakes with almond butter and fruit jam. I watched a show and stayed up late and then I slept in late Wednesday morning. I didn't eat breakfast. I rushed to work. By noon I had not eaten but with the food at work, I was able to eat. Grilled chicken and apples then some turkey chili. Later some pineapple and chicken.

Wednesday evening when I came home around 8PM from work, I cooked mushroom soup, roasted sweet potatoes and peppers, made spinach turkey burgers and sauteed some asparagus. It took a while to cook, but I needed good food. I ate a bunch of veggies and I ate some of the turkey burgers with avocado and fried onions. Yummmm.

My standard operating procedure for handling stress before was to starve and then to binge. Yesterday, I at least handled the stress differently than before. I ate regularly. I ate higher-quality food. I'm not saying handling the stress only comes through how or what I'm eating. I'm just saying that I did not worsen the problem by starving and then bingeing and then setting off an emotional torpedo in my brain and body. I at least didn't take that path and make it worse.

At least I'm making progress. Maybe next time the stress levels hit high, I will handle it even better.

Hidden Food Allergies

2009-04-07T10:25:00.000-07:00

This post is also available on my writing blog.

I saw this over on Oprah's site under causes of fatigue.

While food is supposed to give us energy, some doctors believe hidden food intolerances—or allergies—can do the opposite. According to Dr. Rudy Rivera, author of Your Hidden Food Allergies Are Making You Fat, even mild food intolerance can leave you feeling sleepy. Eat the offending food long enough, and you could find yourself feeling continually exhausted.

"Evidence indicates food intolerance as a cause of fatigue and even suggests that fatigue may be an early warning sign of food intolerance," Rivera says.

If you suspect that food may be behind all that yawning, Rivera says to start with an elimination diet, cutting out foods that cause you to feel sleepy within 10 to 30 minutes of eating them. You can also talk to your doctor about a food allergy test.

I just want to stop and say, YES!!! I am not crazy or imagining things in my head. There is a reason that my energy has multiplied. There is a reason that this is working for me. I am not imagining these results in my head. I am really not crazy.

It is so nice to not feel alone in all of this. It has worked for someone else too. It makes me very, very grateful.

Food Addiction

2009-04-06T12:26:00.000-07:00

This post is also available on my writing blog.

In conference this weekend, Elder Robert D. Hales mentioned food addiction in relation to debt. I was so interested that he would recognize food addiction in the long list of other addictions like drugs or money. Here is what he said:

Today, I speak to all whose freedom to choose has been diminished by effects of ill-advised choices of the past. I speak specifically of choices that have led to excessive debt and addictions to food, drugs, pornography and other patterns of thought and action that diminished one's sense of self-worth.

I've been thinking about food addiction and what it is and what it looks like. To me, food addiction looks like a never-ending obsession with food. Where can I get it? How can I get it? How much of it can I consume? What is the soonest possible moment I can consume it? When can I eat again?

Addiction is an ugly monster to house in your closet. It is scary and overwhelming and feels very, very complex.

In seeking to overcome debt and addictive behaviors, we should remember the addiction is a craving of the natural man and can never be satisfied. It is insatiable as an appetite. When we are addicted we seek those worldly possessions or physical pleasures that seem to entice us. But as a child of God our deepest hunger and what we should be seeking for is what the Lord alone can provide: his love, his sense of worth, his security, his confidence, his hope in the future and assurance of his love which brings us eternal joy.

In my life, I've found that food addiction is certainly insatiable. There are so many food triggers that set up a craving that is insatiable. How many times have you opened a bag of chips and not been able to put them down until the whole bag is gone? What about baking a batch of cookies? Did you eat every last one? Have you ever dreamed about a food so intensely that you had to make it and eat as soon as possible?

I don't think it is wrong to dream about food, enjoy food, celebrate food and even immerse ourselves in food and feasting at times. I do know though that addictive eating does not usually come with celebration or joy. Addictive eating for me has occurred most often in secret and most often alone. Addictive eating is caused by and sets off a powerful brew of chemical and biological warfare in your body that feels insurmountable.

I've spent so much of my life wishing to be filled and never quite reaching that place. Have you ever had a full-to-bursting stomach and yet you were still hungry? I have. It is the common predicament in our society of being undernourished but overfed. There is too much food that is simply empty of nutrition but filled with white flour, white sugar and saturated fats. Which one of the many food items you purchase each week is filled with one of those items? For me, it has been too many.

The hopeful thing that I would want to share about food addiction is that I believe it is often misunderstood. I think people who suffer from food addiction know that something very powerful is happening in their bodies but have no idea what set it off or how to shut it down.

That's how I felt at least.

I've had a lead balloon feeling in my stomach from too much food and yet I can't stop my brain from thinking about the next thing I'm going to eat.

I've also had the opposite occur when I ate a whole bunch of broccoli that had been roasted with olive oil and pine nuts. After several bites, I suddenly felt very profoundly full, a condition which was just the opposite of my overfed and undernourished where I was instead fed well and nourished well.

Learning how to nourish the body, feed the soul and shut down the addiction--this has been the scariest, hardest journey in my life.

Milestone: My Knees

2009-04-05T21:59:00.000-07:00

One of the signs and limitations of morbid obesity is decreasing mobility. Partly from exhaustion, partly from sheer size, partly from a deep sense of self-preservation, I learned how to cut down movement to its bare minimum. In this way, obese individuals are ruthlessly efficient. If it requires too much movement or too risky of a movement, that task goes on the list of "can't dos" or "won't dos" in our lives.

A somewhat minor one on my ruthlessly efficient list was mopping my floor. Most of my main living space is decorated in an oh-so-stunning orange tile that runs through my kitchen, living area and into the bathroom. Mopping my floor is usually on my list of weekend chores each weekend but it was usually the first task to fall off the the list and one of the last ones I ever got to (right after scrubbing down the bathtub and changing my sheets).

Suffice it to say, that except for a major spillage or an unprecedented burst of energy, mopping my floor has consumed very few of the minutes of my life over the last few years. Mostly due to the fact that I was birthed by a woman that believes the only true way to mop your floor is on your hands and knees (better to see the dirt). Getting on my hands and knees at nearly 350 pounds was a task indeed. The breathing, the heaving, the settling, the pain. I just didn't spend a lot of time down there because mostly when I did it was really hard to get back up.

The funny thing is that when you are overweight these things annoy you but they become so much the fabric of your life that you are not consciously aware of just how hard it is to live in a big body until one of those obstacles is removed from your plate.

Well, one of those obstacles was removed from my plate this weekend: I mopped my floor on my hands and knees. And the best part? It didn't even hurt.

Something to do with losing 50 pounds, having loads of energy, and exercising a ton must have affected the state of my body. I actually felt a bit agile through the entire task.

I popped down on my knees and wiped and scrubbed and popped back up to rinse the rag out and get it set again. I cleaned under furniture and behind furniture. I mopped from the bathroom at one end to my study at the other end. I just kept moving and doing. And suddenly, I had mopped my floor, it took me nearly no time at all, and I didn't even hurt in my back, hands, wrists, knees or anywhere.

A rare gift.

I think I can really get the hang of this cleaning thing when it doesn't involve full body torture. In fact, I dare say it was halfway enjoyable. Now, that is something to think about.

Weigh In: April 4, 2009

2009-04-04T03:27:00.000-07:00

Weight: 305 pounds

Chest: 53.5 inches

Waist: 48 inches

Hips: 54.5 inches

I'm still not doing so well with my goal to only weigh once a week. I recommitted to it yesterday while I was exercising and then I came home and went to climb in the shower and decided to weigh myself right then. Imagine my extreme surprise when the scale registered 302 pounds. That was a happy dance in the extreme because just the day before the scale had been saying 310 and 311 pounds. I was excited to see that number. I was just hoping it would stick around long enough to hold court here today.

It didn't quite stick but really, I'm okay with that. I have a feeling it will be here very soon. I'm getting excited for this milestone. Under 300 pounds. There is a lot of terrain to cover in the 200s, but it is all exciting terrain to me.

My focus for the month of April is to see if I can drop 20 pounds this month by tracking my food intake (and timing) and tracking my exercise. My food goals are to eat every 2 1/2 to 3 hours with a mix of protein, veggies, fruit and monounsaturated fats. I also want to up my exercise to one hour for six days a week.

Now, I'm not going to cry if I don't make that goal as long as I keep exercising and eating well. I just want to see what I can do by upping the exercise more and being more diligent about eating often and not starving myself. I may even exceed my own expectations.

Since January I've been losing about 10 pounds a month. I'm happy with that. I just think by paying more attention and upping the exercise, I can do even better.

We shall see, we shall see.

Stocking the Pantry

2009-04-03T06:42:00.001-07:00

I watched an Oprah show once where Dr. Oz went into people's homes and checked out their pantries and fridges and cupboards and helped them to restock them with whole, real foods. He also suggested ways that they could improve their meals. Sometimes when I go shopping I like to wonder what Dr. Oz would think about what I'm bringing home to my pantry. I'd like to see what ways my daily diet can improve.

One thing I've figured out since going on this allergy-free diet is that most of the time in my life I've relied on fast, convenient foods. If I bought crackers, they were the first thing I ate. If I bought bread it also was gone first. If I had chips or popcorn or any food like that, it was the first food I ate each day and every day. Then what was leftover was the rest of the veggies and some fruit. I would pick through that food until I could go to the store and buy my favorite convenience foods again.

This allergy-free diet leaves very little room for convenience foods. I do occasionally buy rice cake (organic brown rice) but that and canned beans are the closest things that I have to convenience foods. Everything else has to be prepared in some way. I think that is part of the reason that I go back and forth between starving and eating. It takes time to prepare good food. It is an art that I'm gaining great insight into right now.

Fortunately, I felt a bit inspired last night when I looked at my fridge and pantry and I'm excited for the possibilities. So, here are the raw materials that I'm using to come up with good food this week.

mushrooms

asparagus
tomatoes
peppers
cucumbers

spinach
salsa

onions

garlic

eggs

ground turkey

small roast chicken

chicken breasts

frozen wild salmon

almond butter

fruit jam

blackberries

blueberries

peaches

pineapple

apples

almond milk

coconut milk

chicken broth

black beans

pinto beans

brown rice and wild rice

red potatoes

yams

olive oil

grapeseed oil

almonds

pecans

pinenuts

almond flour

coconut flour

Dagoba chocodrops

I wonder what Dr. Oz would have to say if he came to my house today?

Regaining Weight

2009-04-02T18:52:00.000-07:00

I've thought a lot about the topic of regaining weight. When I lost so much weight in 2004-2005, I was terrified of regaining weight. I was terrified of getting back to the place of bad habits and feeling terrible again. One positive thing that came out of regaining weight in 2005 is that I have faced my worst fear and I've survived. I regained a whole bunch of weight and I did not die. I'm just not as scared to regain weight anymore.

Now, that may sound rich coming from me considering the fact that I'm still 300 pounds and that I'm actively losing weight and not really struggling with regaining weight. I watched an Oprah show tonight while I was on the treadmill and it featured three famous women and each of their personal struggles with losing weight: Valerie Bertinelli, Marie Osmond, and Star Jones. I appreciated all of their stories, but I certainly identified in ways with Star Jones who seems very much to me like a fat woman in a thin body. She is struggling to right herself after drastically losing weight through gastric bypass. It seems like this journey has been a difficult and long road for her and bless her heart, she seems to be trying to be as honest as possible now.

I felt like a fat woman in a thin body too. It is a scary place to be where you have to find how to stabilize yourself in this new world and this new body. I applaud her doing her best to look at it honestly after trying to hide it for so long.

I also appreciate her reasons for keeping it quiet for a long time. I would likely do the same thing. I was so angry for a long time after regaining weight and as I felt a lot of pressure to consider gastric bypass surgery. I was angry because the minute you start to lose weight people start to comment and ask what you did and to tell the truth you have to reveal a very personal medical intervention that is really none of their business. People can do things like get a breast augmentation or a tummy tuck or even any other kind of surgery and they can often keep that surgery private, but the very nature of obesity means that it is a very public part of your person whether you want it to be or not.

One thing I promised myself before I started trying to lose weight again was that I would prepare myself for people's comments and questions. I have pat answers that I'm going to give and ways that I'm willing to defend myself against unwanted interest in my progress.

I'm not saying that most people are this way. Most people are just excited and happy for you and you are thrilled to talk to them. It is the other people who have issues around weight too who start picking at you for information and make you feel confused and befuddled.

I had one person who constantly talked about what I was doing whenever I was around her. It completely overwhelmed me emotionally. I didn't want to talk about it with her but I felt forced to do so. She also talked me up so much that I started to feel all this pressure like I was unnaturally good or unnaturally full of willpower. I hate that kind of talk. There is something about it that smacks of sanctimonious drivel. Weight loss for me has nothing to do with willpower or white-knuckling my way through a diet and it puts me in a weird head space when people talk to me that way.

So, no, I'm not as scared about regaining weight. I'm more wary and more cautious about righting myself emotionally to handle the scrutiny that comes from changing myself in such an unfortunately public way. That is what I need the most help with through this journey.

Looking in the Mirror

2009-04-01T22:32:00.000-07:00

I had a party to go to the other night and my need for clothes has turned into such a desperate situation that I knew I needed at least something to wear to this party. So, I had a half an hour I could squeeze out of my day and I ran up to the mall and went in the store, hoping I could come out with something in my hand that would help me to feel a bit more prepared for this party.

Shopping definitely made me take measure of myself and my progress. I've been feeling particularly well the last few days and feeling like a million bucks. It was a bit startling to realize that just because I felt that way doesn't mean it is always reflected in the mirror. I pulled some clothes into the dressing room just guessing at my size. I had been a size 30 or 32 and I was hoping I was in the 26 or 28 range. I was. That was nice to see.

After trying on a whole load of clothes, I asked for some help from the saleswoman because I needed to find some nice business pants and usually my hips and legs swim in any pants I try on. Bless her heart, she found some pants that fit me perfectly. They were gray slacks--not my particularly favorite color--but they were such a vast improvement over the other options I had at home that I paid for them and left. At least I could feel a tiny bit better prepared for the party.

All in all, I think shopping was a good reality check for me. I know that I have a long way to go on this journey still. It was just encouraging to see some of the progress.

The First Notice

2009-03-30T15:47:00.000-07:00

I've noticed changes occurring in my body for several weeks now and yesterday, for the first time, others noticed as well.

I wore an old dress to church. It was a dress I got for my brother's wedding in 2006 and I think I've worn it only a few times since then. And it wasn't a dress really but more of skirt and a top.

I didn't feel comfortable in the outfit when I bought it, but I had to have the outfit for that big day. That's probably why I haven't worn the outfit much since then. Well, yesterday I was sick of my clothes and sick of wearing all the old things I had in my closet. And I happened to try on that outfit . . . and what do you know? It fit. It actually more than fit. Suddenly, I had a new outfit.

I actually felt pretty too. It was such a pleasure to wear something different, something that felt soft and beautiful and something that made me feel powerful and feminine all at once.

I felt long and lean and I wasn't even wearing Lycra.

I also cut my hair this week. I had several inches chopped off and so instead of throwing my hair back in a clip, I wore it down. Between the hair and the clothes, I created a little stir. I think when you look the same week after week after week after week, it is refreshing to see change. And that is what everyone was commenting on. The changes.

The thing is I've been a bit worried about the comments. Last time (2004-2005), I found myself preening for every look and every comment. I found myself hungry for affirmation and attention. I felt a bit like compliment addict. Always wanting more.

Two weeks before my big kaboom experience in February 2005, I seemed to be riding a compliment cascade. I couldn't go to church, work or any function without people coming up to me and commenting about the way I looked. Each time that happened, I felt a momentary rush and then I would revert to my head and my obsessive compulsive calculations of how much I could lose and fast I could lose it. Every compliment seemed to heighten my need to continue losing weight. Every comment put just another pound of pressure on me to continue to perform. Every word of encouragement my way sent me just a little bit more over the edge.

Why did all of that happen? I haven't figured out all the pieces and parts to that puzzle, but here are some initial conclusions.

Wrong focus: My focus was wrong from the beginning. My initial desire in 2004 was to get healthy but as soon as I started to lose weight, that focus shifted from "I want to be healthy" to "I want to be pretty." Well, it is a lot easier to control healthy than it is to control pretty. Today, instead of worrying about how I look, I ask myself more often, how I feel. Focusing on my feelings is something I can always do--big or small--and those feelings inform me more about the world and my purpose in it than how I look. I want to take the focus off how I look.
Perfectionism: The one stunner of an Achilles heel that the plan had that I was doing in 2004-2005 was a phrase called "Perfect on Plan" or POP. I would get on the discussion boards and team up with other members and we would play a game for six weeks at a time where the goal every day was to be POP. POP meant you ate a meal every three house that was measured exactly and that you exercised every day. If you were POP every day, you gained more points for your team. I worked on being POP to perfection. Perfection is a doozy of bomb that will explode in your face the more you pursue it. I'm learning to live imperfectly now.

I think both of these things contributed greatly to the extreme emotional blowout that I had. Both were fed and nurtured under the bright lights of "attention."

Which makes me just a bit wary of that kind of attention again.

Day 76: What a Feeling!

2009-03-28T21:26:00.000-07:00

So, this morning I went for a walk when the temperature was about 30 degrees and a canyon wind was blowing. I almost turned back once and went home to the treadmill. So, so cold.

I came back from the walk and did some weight lifting and then some stretching. I watched Oprah while I did both of those tasks. One of the shows was on extreme morbid obesity--a situation that is devastating for too many people in this country. I think for the rest of my life I will be interested in health, eating disorders, morbid obesity and any of the attendant psychological, familial, biological and environmental circumstances that lead people down that path.

With my own weight challenge, I've often felt alone, scared and misunderstood. The problem seems so large and the solution so out of reach. There are so many layers and issues and things that must be overcome. My body has felt like the enemy rather than a friend.

This morning though, I realized that my body and I are fast becoming best friends. She likes me and I like her. We aren't engaged in a pitched battle for control any longer as I've come to understand her better and work with her weaknesses and strengths. And she as a result is sending me good wishes, great feelings and energy galore. You've gotta love that.

I think this morning after all the exercise, I just felt giddy. Giddy and excited and full of energy. That is such an unusual place for me to be that I have to comment on it. If my bout with obesity, depression and struggle has been characterized by anything it is: low energy. So, to feel an abundance of it, even for a few hours is finger-lickin' good and makes me want to shout to the world.

Today I have energy. Today I bounced down the stairs to my house. Today I wanted to run. Today I felt a giddiness and a glow that comes from good health. Today I feel peace and joy. Today is a great day.

Day 75: Lunchtime

2009-03-27T13:25:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I did it again today. I struggled with the eating thing. Meaning I struggled with making sure I was eating regularly.

It started a week or so ago. I just quit eating breakfast, then lunch, then I would come home from work very, very hungry and I would make something and eat. That eating would usually last for two or three hours as I cooked and ate and cooked and ate some more. I'm trying to get out of that very bad habit because when I eat late, I wake up the next morning unwilling to eat breakfast. Then I don't pack lunch and try to make it on nuts or apples at work. Then I come home starving and cook again and the whole cycle starts all over again. So, last night I was starving again and I didn't really want to cook so I ended up snacking on chicken, hard-boiled eggs and strawberries when I was helping my mom with a dinner she was doing and then I came home and made a spinach smoothie. This morning I made a smoothie again.

Not enough.

I went to work too without packing a lunch again. When the hunger completely overwhelmed me I decided to jaunt down to the health food store. This is what I came back with:

1. spinach

2. Amy's Lentil Vegetable soup

3. apples

4. sliced almonds

5. canned wild salmon

6. squeeze bottle of canola mayo

So, I came back to work and mixed up the salmon with the mayo and put it on top of the spinach with some sliced apples and almonds. Then I warmed up the veggie soup too. All in all, I'm very happy, pleasantly full and the prospect of cooking and eating looks like so much fun.

Something about routinely starving makes me anxious and unhappy about prepping food. But once I've gone through all the work of cooking and eating, I can't wait to do it again.

Day 74: The Hunger

2009-03-26T21:00:00.001-07:00

I'm tired of being hungry. T-I-R-E-D. Cooking every night, cooking every morning, packing food, preparing a menu, shopping, unpacking, then prepping food. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just so excruciatingly lazy that I would rather have all of this done for me. Each and every day.

Then I eat a real meal with some real food and quit starving myself and I realize that I like to eat and I like to cook. What I don't like is worrying about all of it when I'm hungry. Which simply reminds me that I spend a lot time wishing I didn't have to cook and eat and thus starving and finally eating and feeling better. Then I repeat that cycle the next day.

Obviously one of the areas I need to make the most improvement is eating each day and eating frequently each day.

It is all part of the plan. And one I need to work a whole lot better.

Day 73: The Clothes Don't Fit

2009-03-25T18:17:00.000-07:00

I don't like to shop for clothes. In the past few years it has been particularly bad as I've grown out of the classic Lane Bryant-type shopping experience. That left me with one other store in town that sells mostly nasty clothes. I would make periodic forages into the store to pick up some clothes. This is what I call shopping desperation. The only time you shop is when you are desperate. You don't care about tailoring or color or even variety. You mostly just want something that fits that doesn't make you gag when you put it on. And as long as those clothes look clean and semi-presentable, you wear them to death.

Truly.

Why, you may ask? Because shopping for clothes makes you face the truth about your body, your issues, and this very big problem in your life that is not just going to go away because you repeatedly wish it will. Shopping sucks. You don't feel better afterwards, you realize just how badly you look, and you don't wish to repeat the experience again any time soon.

Shopping usually brings on a serious bout of self-loathing.

Which is why I prolong the distance between each shopping experience to unnecessary lengths. I can always find something else to buy before I'm going to buy clothes. Until the situation gets desperate like it is now. I have about five shirts to my name, a few pair of pants and some skirts. I've worn all of them repeatedly for months and months and months. I dislike most of what I wear. My best pair of pants never fit really well--the legs are too long and the pants too baggy--but I wear them all the time because they are the nicest ones I own. I have two nice shirts that I end up wearing every week as well as on alternating Sundays.

So, in the past two months these pants and shirts and skirts have not only been worn far too much but also they've grown bigger and bigger and bigger. My favorite black skirt was too big when I bought it and it has gotten much worse the past two months. I ended up pinning the skirt with two large safety pins after it fell off me one day in my house as I was getting ready for church. I didn't want a repeat performance of that event. My pants are so big they make me uncomfortable and my favorite shirt is so large now that it keeps slipping off my shoulder and I'm continually adjusting myself.

When everything you wear becomes uncomfortable because it is so large, you start to hate getting dressed each day. Which forces you to go out do and do your next least-favorite task: shopping.

Really though, at least this time around I can contemplate the fact that hopefully the shopping experience will improve incrementally. They will fit better, I will look better, and I can tamp down on the self-loathing.

At least that is what I'm hoping.

About Me: Photo Time

2009-03-24T18:58:00.000-07:00

February 2009 at 322 pounds

August 2008 at 336 pounds

2004-2005 Weight Loss

October 2003 at around 315 pounds

January 2004 at 315 pounds

February 2004 at 286 pounds

March 2004 at 269 pounds

Three side poses at 315 pounds, 286 pounds and 269 pounds

May 2004 at 244 pounds

Trip to London and Paris in May 2004. Gained weight on the trip. I had a hard time when I came back from the trip staying on my plan and slowly, slowly started to gain weight again.

July 2004 at 249 pounds

In October 2004, I had my birthday. I had regained about 35 pounds at this point since May 2004. I kept trying to stay on plan but I just didn't. Around my birthday at 278 pounds, I recommitted to the plan I had been on. From that point for the next five months, I was pretty focused again.

December 2004 at 234 pounds

December 2004 at around 225 pounds

January 2005 at 215 pounds

February 2005 at 209 pounds

February 14, 2005 I had the often-mentioned KABOOM experience. I then quickly gained back the entire 105 pounds I had lost and an additional 25 pounds. That meant by January 2006 I weighed in at 340 pounds. It was an incredibly overwhelming experience emotionally and physically and I dropped into a no-man's land after that. It took me a long time to sort through not only the emotions but exactly what had occurred to me through that experience.

Day 66: The State of Things

2009-03-18T11:06:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a bit of review of the state of this health endeavor after my doctor's visit and after I received my test results and here is my review of how things are going and what I want to focus on next.

Doing Well:

Following the allergy-free diet: I had one moment about a week ago where I seriously contemplated chucking in the towel that night and eating a cheeseburger and fries. It would not have been the end of the world if I had done so, but I'm glad that I stayed with my emotions, addressed my hunger nutritionally and let myself have a bit of a freak out. So, still on the allergy-free diet and even emotionally okay after that tough night.
Cooking: I'm loving the cooking. Love, love, loving the cooking. It makes me happy to be in the kitchen, I've been making treats and meals and snacks and everything and I'm just enjoying food and its tastes and my own cooking. This little girl loves her some food. And it is good, healthy food too!
Menu planning: For a majority of the last two months, I was on a six week menu plan that I created. Now, I didn't follow it to the letter but it was such a treat to have a meal planned for every night and have the food in my fridge to make it. I think that is part of the reason I enjoyed cooking so much too. I love the the six-week menu plan because I hate doing it every week. So, that is a habit I want to keep.
Weighing weekly or monthly: I'll admit that there has been a week or two that I was nearly weighing myself every day, but I recommitted to the notion to stay off the scale except on Saturdays. And I'm really planning on sticking to this one, except that last Saturday that I weighed, I had gained weight so I weighed myself again on Monday and had dropped 8 pounds. Yeah, water weight or something. So, there will definitely be such caveats but for the most part, I'm going to keep to my private weekly or biweekly weigh ins and then post my weight monthly. The goal being that I'm do not want to become OCD about the scale like I did in 2004-2005 when I was deep in diet mentality. So, the scale is not the source of my pleasure or my ever-present fixation.

The improvements are things that I think will make a marked difference in my overall health the next few weeks. Also, I really want to get my HDL (good cholesterol) numbers up and I want to clear up this PCOS and the metabolic syndrome. Each of the steps below are ones that I think will help me make significant strides in that direction.

The Improvements:

Eat breakfast: This one has taken on a particular importance recently as I realize that when I eat breakfast, I usually eat lunch, and then dinner instead of starving myself for breakfast, not eating lunch and then packing in all my food intake within a two-hour window after I come home from work. I'm sure that this is not helping. I'm more irritated, more emotional and just generally more off. But eating breakfast takes work. So, I'm focused on work this month.
Exercise daily: I'm ticked because my HDL numbers didn't improve over the last two months and I know my eating has been wildly improved so I can only attribute that to my lack of exercise. So, another goal for the next month is to walk 6 days a week. Then I think the goal will be established.
Pack food the night before: If I can conquer eating breakfast, the next step is packing food for each day. I have had the most success at good health when I've packed food and snacks for work each day. Then I'm not starving and going searching for food at the bewitching hour of 3:30PM when I don't always make the best food choices. So, I will be more conscious of prepping, freezing, and then packing food for each work day.
Make a new 6 week menu plan: After my 6 week menu plan ran out, I didn't start it over again. And so I've defaulted again to trying to figure out what to cook each night and staring at the fridge for a while and generally snacking and munching rather than making an entire meal. So, I've got to get the menu plan back in rotation.

And that is the state of things around here. Let's see where these improvements take me.

How Sweet It Is

2009-03-14T18:23:00.001-07:00

This post is also available on my writing blog.

I've been trying to get this entry done for a week. I have so much to say about this topic that I find myself writing too much and trying to fit all of my opinions and experiences in to one little post. So, I did my best to stick to the point of the benefits of low-glycemic eating.

I read a couple of articles the other day from the December 2007 O, The Oprah magazine that I wish had been written when I was a teenager going through the first throes of a body image horror. Not that I would want to promote diet mentality or further push myself into self-loathing, but simply so that as a young girl I could biologically understand MY BODY and why it was so different than everyone around me.

The articles deal with low-glycemic eating, what it is and how it affects people who are high-insulin responders.

The first article, "How Sweet It Is" by Nancy Gottesman shares the example of a woman who started to put on weight when she hit puberty. Insulin is a hormone and as the hormone stew takes off in puberty, high-insulin responders can have a reaction that includes piling on the pounds.

When LeeAnn Henn turned 12, extra pounds almost magically appeared on her frame. "I was always a little chunky," she says, "but right around puberty I put on a lot more. . . Though she tried to cut calories and fat on a number of different diets over the years, the numbers on the scale just kept going up. "I'd eat less, exercise more, get frustrated, then quit," recalls Henn, now 28. "I could never lose much, and over time, I just got heavier."

I was always a little chunky too and found that when puberty hit my weight took off as well. I spent most of my teenage years wishing for a different body. That never happened and gradually I began to learn how to work with the body I was given.

Also, I REALLY liked the article because of this quote below. I used to get mad when I was younger and people would say that a calorie in and a calorie out and that losing weight is as simple as that. Yet, this was not my experience. I felt like I put on weight whenever I just looked at food compared to someone like my brother Adam who seemed to be able to eat anything and everything and store it in his hollow leg without gaining an ounce. What I didn't know at the time was I was high-insulin responder comparing myself to low-insulin responders. When I ate things like bread, pasta, crackers and fruit juice, I really was putting on weight because of the way my body responded to such foods. Which is why I agree with the statement below.

[Dr. David Ludwig] is one of a handful of researchers trying to prove that all calories are not, in fact, equal; some of us are genetically programmed to pile on pounds much faster when we eat the wrong type of food, even foods we think of as healthy.

I knew from long experience that a calorie in and a calorie out theory didn't work which is why I would get upset when I heard it repeated over and over. It is so comforting to have that innate belief backed up by hard data.

An easy way to gauge if you are a high-insulin responder is the example below.

"High-insulin secretors tend to be apples, with more fat around the middle," maintains Ludwig. "Low-insulin secretors tend to be pears."

I never developed broad hips, but I've always had a tummy. And that tummy is the last thing to go when I do lose weight. So, I'm an apple shape for sure.

The accompanying article then gives some guidelines for what to eat on a low-glycemic diet. First though there is an explanation of the glycemic index.

The glycemic index (GI) is a ranking of carbohydrate-containing foods on a scale of 0 to 100. The higher the number, the more quickly you'll digest the food and trigger extreme fluctuations in blood sugar. Low scores (55 and lower) mean the food is digested slowly and produces only gradual changes in blood sugar. . . . Ludwig advises that you avoid "eating by the numbers" and instead follow these simple guidelines.

The guidelines are:

1. Eat plenty of fiber-rich vegetables (dark leafy greens—good; corn—not so good), beans (all of them), and fruit (apples, pears, peaches, and berries have a lower GI than tropical fruits, like papaya and mangoes).

2. Limit potatoes to small side dishes.

3. Choose grains in their least processed states. For example, replace refined and white breads with stone-ground whole wheat, sourdough, or pumpernickel. Swap jasmine and arborio rice for basmati, brown, or long grain. Instead of processed cereals like cornflakes and instant oatmeal, stick with old-fashioned oats or cold cereals that have at least four grams of fiber per serving. Ration white-flour sweets like doughnuts and cookies for the occasional treat—there are no healthy substitutes for these!

4. Avoid sugar-sweetened beverages, and drink no more than one cup of 100 percent fruit juice daily.

5. Consume protein and fat at most meals and snacks. Eating a balance of nutrients will help keep your blood sugar steady and your hunger in check. Vegetable and lean animal sources (including dairy) are your best options for protein. Olive oil, nuts, avocados, seeds, and nut butters are healthy fats. Cut back on saturated fats, and banish trans fats completely.

My perception of eating healthy as a young girl was to not eat a lot of treats and to eat less food at each meal. What this led to was a constant battle with hunger and the feeling that if I didn't control my hunger better I was somehow a bad person. Now I understand that when I was eating potatoes and bread and cereals that those foods tend to make me more hungry because they spike my blood sugar--especially when they are eaten alone or without accompanying good fats and lean meats.

It has been such a relief over the last few years to discover that hunger is a normal, natural state and that feeding that hunger with foods that are low-glycemic is one of the best ways to eat for my body. This is not about depriving my body of any foods--this simply is about learning the balance and learning that eating lean meats, fruits and veggies, and good fats like olive oil and raw nuts as well as whole grains or complex carbs like brown rice, sweet potatoes or butternut squash makes my body feel its very best.

And now, my stomach is grumbling and I wish I'd started dinner an hour ago. At least I know exactly what to eat.

Day 54: Visit to the Doctor

2009-03-07T04:58:00.001-08:00

So, it's been nearly two months now on the allergy-free diet. I'm still plugging away. Two months without dairy, wheat, oats, corn, most grains, soy, peanuts, sugar or any preservatives, artificial flavors, or MSG.

And I'm actually enjoying myself.

I know, can you believe it? Someone said to me the other day that I must be pretty committed to it to do it. I don't know that it is so much committed as desperate and grateful and a little bit crazy all rolled into one. It is nice to feel better.

I went back to the doctor today. We chatted about it and how I was doing. I did complain because I'm supposed to be off all citrus (limes, lemons, oranges, grapefruit) too and I've not been as strict about that one. I really like lemons and limes. I also like whining when something seems particularly hard. I got no love from the doc. She just smiled and said "Do it anyway."

Okay, then.

The next question was "how much longer?" Oh, three or four months. Then likely another allergy/sensitivity test to determine the next step.

I tried to start this elimination diet twice before and both times I crashed after about three weeks. Fortunately, those crashes taught me some valuable information for this attempt.

Do not deprive yourself. I've always had the mentality in the past that I just ignore what I can't eat. In fact, I wouldn't even look at a food item if I wasn't "supposed" to have it or if it wasn't healthy. All that led to was tunnel vision--literally--in the grocery store because 90% of what I walked by was something I didn't want to put in my shopping cart. Well, that behavior has flown the coop and I threw it out gladly. Now, I make sure I indulge regularly in treats and goodies. If a treat or goodie is being served that contains a food I don't eat right now, then I try to figure out a way to modify the recipe and make my own version of that food. Then I don't go around wishing for it. Which is why I've eaten things like blueberry muffins, chocolate cake, candy bars and chocolate chip cookies the last few weeks. Did I mention that I'm not really big on deprivation?

Indulge in sensory pleasure: I was sitting in class the other day and the girl in front of me kept snacking on a big bag of Swedish fish. I started automatically to not look at the food and not think about it, but then I changed my mind and just gave in to a big, old craving for those tiny, red gummy candies. I don't know what it is about this allergy thing but I seem to have a particular sensitive spot for Swedish fish--an item that I rarely ate before this. Maybe it is the texture or the sweetness or the combination of the two? Whatever it was, I just indulged. I sniffed the air for their scent. I imagined having a big, old bag for myself too and then . . . I took the thought one step further and remembered how I felt often after indulging like that: headachy, irritable, tired. Is that really what I wanted from that experience? And then once I took the thought through the end result, I realized I was REALLY HUNGRY and had not eaten lunch. Aaaah. Sure sign of a craving for sugar will hit when I starve myself.

And that was my big revelation for the day.

Day 51: Exercise Your Demons

2009-03-03T21:12:00.001-08:00

So, how has the exercise been going the past 51 days? Well, it has been improving. My goal is to be exercising 5 to 6 days a week for up to an hour a day. Right now, I'm at about 3 times a week for 30 to 40 minutes. Which is a definite improvement over the big ZERO times a week that I was doing it previously.

So, yes the exercise is starting to get its groove on in my life.

The best part about exercising now is that it doesn't hurt as much. It took a few weeks for exercise to quit being such a hard thing. Now, I start to feel good when I exercise. I kind of crave it. My body moves with more fluidity and it is easier to stretch and bend and do things. I'm still rocking life at 315 pounds but it is different when you are on your way down the scale than when you are on the way up. Things just feel better all around. When I'm on the way up the scale, I could weigh 250 pounds but it feels like 350 pounds may feel when I'm on my way down the scale.

I'm not sure if that made sense. Suffice it to say that when I'm going in a good streak, when the food that is fueling my body is good food and when all the wheels are turning in my body and the energy is going up and up and up and the scale is going down, well all of that is much easier than the other side of the coin when I can't stop my body from piling on 20 pounds a month and every joint aches and I feel tired and swollen and awful every moment of every day. That is not a good state to be in.

I'm just thrilled exercise is feeling good right now.

When I Feel Full

2009-03-01T16:07:00.000-08:00

I just made some smoked paprika almonds this afternoon. When they are hot they remind me of really good popcorn--hot, oily, salty and crunchy. Yummmmm.

They hit the spot this afternoon.

What I love about eating really good food is the feeling of fullness. Feeling full is a great feeling. Feeling full and not bloated is a spectacular feeling. I almost didn't know the two could go together.

The feeling of fullness has been such an elusive experience in my life that I remember at times believing that I had a stomach of iron, a stomach that wouldn't quit, a stomach that could put up with any abuse that I sent its way.

Now I know I do not have the kind of stomach.

What I did have was high blood sugar, constant cravings and nearly unmitigated hunger that seemed to go on and on and on. What I ate was mostly carbs in the form of bread, cereal, pasta and crackers with some dairy, protein and lots of treats thrown in. Periodically, I upped my intake of fruits and veggies and while I liked this (or at least grew to like it) what I didn't like was the feeling that no matter what I ate I might never get full. At least not a pleasant, mild kind of fullness. The fullness I experienced most often was of the I'm-about-to-burst quality. And no middle ground seemed to exist. I was either famished or I felt like I was going to pop.

What I've learned about my body in the last few years is really kind of magical when I consider that it took me nearly 30 years to figure it out. I learned that eating every 2 or 3 hours helps especially when it is small amounts of protein with fruit or veggies. I learned to eat breakfast. I learned to stay on top of my hunger early in the day and to front load my meals at the beginning of the day instead of loading up on food at the end of the day. I learned to limit the bread and flour products I consume. I learned to drink lots and lots of water (at least half your weight in ounces). And eat fresh, gorgeous, delectable food. All of that helps me conquer the hunger beast.

And finally, I'm learning to feel full in a pleasant, mild way. And it is lovely.

Day 48: Surviving

2009-02-28T10:07:00.000-08:00

I've had an emotional week this week or a week where I feel overwhelmed by life. When that happens, I often disconnect from life. Shut down. Burrow in an emotional hole. Wish things were different.

And when I burrow, I don't do productive things and I don't typically eat.

Funny, huh? I mean funny because in my real life, in my everyday life, eating is the thing that I do. I eat anywhere and everywhere and all the time. I eat as much as possible. I eat nonstop. I just eat. So, to not eat? Well, that is a conundrum for me.

Before this allergy-free thing, most of the time when I disconnected, I would go out and forage for food once a day. Hit a drive-thru. Then I would come back and be half sick and half bloated but at least I would be full. Typically, I would eat once every 24 hours when I was in my disconnected state. It wasn't pretty and I would be awfully hungry for most of that time because having metabolic syndrome or pre-diabetes means that hunger is a constant state of being that accompanies you wherever you go when you eat things that set off your blood sugar.

So, I would typically eat once a day. Well, I still eat once a day when I'm in my disconnected state. Or a couple of times a day. But this time I did my own cooking. And here is what I ate quite a bit of this week.

fried onions (who would have thought that, but for some reason, I've been craving onions)
raspberry smoothies (just almond milk, raspberries and a touch of agave nectar)
eggs (hardboiled and over easy with salsa)
turkey burgers with fry sauce (I love that stuff--great mayo, dijon mustard, catsup)
apples
and more fried onions

This is the kind of stuff that kept me going this week. And all I can say is: fried onions taste great with my special fry sauce.

Day 47: Cooking Class with Kelsey Nixon

2009-02-27T00:15:00.000-08:00

My mama loves to cook. She loves it. My whole life I've watched her in the kitchen working her magic making dishes and treats and snacks that wow the taste buds, lift the heart and make you come back for more and more and more.

My mama loves to cook so much that she takes classes, tries new recipes and discusses food a lot. She also cooks incredible food and feeds her whole family every Sunday. That means seven of her eight children and five of their spouses, plus 16 grandchildren. That's 30 people every week. That's a lot of people to cook food for each week. When my baby brother is in town with his family our numbers bump up to 33 at dinner. (And with two new babies on the way this year we will soon be up to 35 people. And I expect at least three more grandchildren to join us in 2010 too.)

Well, my mom is always taking cooking classes to learn more about food. A couple of months ago she took a class by a girl named Kelsey Nixon who is a minor celebrity around here for having competed on The Next Food Network Star tv show a year ago. Ms. Nixon is young--only 24 years old--but she is bubbly and cute and full of energy. And she likes to cook and talk about it.

Well, my mom hired her to come and do a cooking class at her house. And she invited ten of us to come out for the class. We had a great time. We got to watch Kelsey cook some amazing food and we got to talk about food. A lot. We chatted about knives and knife sharpening and how to cut an onion and how to not cut into meat until it has rested for 10 minutes after pulling it from the oven. We talked about culinary school and the food network show Kelsey was on. We had a great time. She made Greek grilled veggie panini sandwiches, a veggie orzo salad, a roast pork, and a lemon curd and berry dessert. Good food.

I still stuck to the allergy-free diet. I ate the grilled veggies for the panini sandwiches, I ate the berries for the dessert, I ate the veggies out of the orzo salad and I ate the pork and cut off the bread crumb outer crust of the meat. All in all a fun night full of good food and lots of chatter.

Thanks, Mama. What a fabulous night full of friends, fun and great food.

Day 45: Am I Really Still Doing This?

2009-02-25T18:13:00.000-08:00

So, I've been doing this for 45 days now. I'm a little amazed that it is still going on.

Two things I'm feeling: Stomach is thin and feeling small. Shocking really, how small it feels. I've never recalled feeling this thin this early and by that I mean--I've lost my tummy. I've lost my tummy in the sense that I can see my toes and that my breasts stick out further than the tummy.

Rather a shock coming from a girl whose chubby tummy has always preceeded the rest of her when entering a room.

The second thing I'm feeling is a bit stunned. After all this time, after all this effort, after all these years is this really it? Is this really how I reach the goal? Is this how I feel better? Is this really the secret to me feeling strong and healthy? Cutting out the dairy and the wheat? Watching the overall carbs? Eating frequently throughout the day? Enjoying the good fats? Drinking plenty of water? Feeling so good when I exercise? Is this really it?

Well, I bless the Thin Gods and their cohorts for a wee sign of progress. I've got many days ahead on this journey. I certainly feel more secure about that state of my health in those days to come. And it is a journey I think I just may relish.

How I Trick Myself Into Believing I'm Not Weighing Myself Daily and Why It's Not Working

2009-02-24T02:46:00.000-08:00

When I re-started, started over, began this journey again, I decided that no matter what this time around on the weight loss journey, I would NOT weigh myself daily.

No matter what.

You see, I decided that part of the downfall from my KABOOM experience was the fact that I swooped so deeply into diet mentality from the beginning. From day one I was obsessed with how much I weighed and how quickly I could lose that weight. Obsessed.

When the air cleared for me from that awful, bloody, dark time period of regaining the weight and losing my way, I realized that one sure sign of failure for me was an obsession with the scale. If I ever wanted to succeed again at a healthy lifestyle, I had to give up the near hourly obsession with how I looked and how much I weighed. That obsession would kill my progress. For sure.

So, I decided that on this allergy-free diet and as I was working my way back into health, I would not obsess with the scale. At the most I would weigh myself once a month.

A feat that would require more willpower than anything on this journey.

I've only been marginally successful.

I haven't weighed myself daily, but I've certainly done it weekly, bi-weekly, or nearly daily when I'm feeling good. But what I tell myself is that these don't count and they are just tidbits of information for me and no one else. These are private little weigh-ins which I like to trick myself into believing never really happened--especially as long as I don't tell anyone.

So, I step lightly on the scale, read the number and then pack the scale back again in the closet not to be seen for at least another 24 hours. This way I like to believe I'm not really breaking my ban on the scale. Just testing it a wee bit.

A delusion that is self-induced, self-monitored and entirely too self-aware to do me or anyone else any good.

So, why am I writing about it?

Because I haven't lost a pound this entire month and I'd like to forget the scale once again. It isn't doing me any good.

And now, I sincerely hope the darn thing is broken. If it is not, it may not survive through another disappointing reading all in one piece.

If I Was a Mother I'd Be a Granola

2009-02-21T06:00:00.000-08:00

I've decided to embrace my inner tree-hugger. I was reading an article the other day about cloth diapering and I realized I'm a bona fide granola eco-mama . . . and I'm okay with it.

If I was a mother today these are the things I am interested in and likely would be doing:

cloth diapering
home birthing
doula and midwife assisted birth
no vaccinations
homeopathic medicines
homeschooling

and the things I'm doing now

clean, whole, real foods
clean water
recycling
green cleaning supplies
supplements
exercise (or at least I'm trying)

I had to laugh as I put this list together. I think I've always been a closet, earthy-friendly, green-living, back-to-nature kind of girl. I was listening to the radio on the way to work the other day as they talked about vaccinating your children by the age of two, I was having arguments with the radio host and his guests despite the fact that they couldn't hear me.

Then at a church activity the other day, I took issue with the fact that all we seem to feed children at these activities is white flour, sugar and hydrogenated oils. Why? Why don't we give a smidgen of thought to their health? I know I'm not going to be able to control everything like that in my children's lives but it bothers me when we don't even give a thought to feeding children such things.

Then finally, when I read about cloth diapering of my own accord the other day and I was fascinated with the topic, I realized that if I ever married and had the sweet opportunity of having babies, I was going to be a complete eco-centered earth mama. It just seems to be my passion and at the center of my thoughts so often that I'm going to admit it freely and be open about it.

It's just time I faced facts.

Day 40 Progress

2009-02-20T17:07:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been nearly 6 weeks that I've been on this diet. How's it going? Hmmmm, pretty well. There are up days and there are down days. Sometimes more of one than the other.

In my regular life there are always more down days. There have been more down days in my life since . . . oh, the dawn of time shall we say? In this version of my life, there are still down days. Yes, still down days. But overall? Overall, up days. Yes, up days. What do you do with up days when you have them nearly all the time?

I don't know, I've never experienced this many up days in a row. Ever.

I'm more productive than I've ever been. I feel like a robot has been created. One who can accomplish things and do her dishes every day. One who cleans her car, makes her bed, and actually showers each and every day. One who keeps up.

It's making me a little scared.

What kind of person actually makes her bed every day?

Somebody who is not "normal" in my life.

Day 39 Progress: I'm Trying to Temper My Excitement

2009-02-19T17:53:00.000-08:00

My uncle asked me the other day about this allergy-free diet in an email. He wanted to know what I was doing and why and if it was helping. I tried to respond quietly and nicely and calmly to his email and his questions, but mostly I was excited. I just wanted to shout about how much I've been learning on this allergy-free diet and what it is doing for me. I've been feeling like I want everyone around me to try this and see if their emotional issues would clear up if they went off wheat and dairy too.

I really had to hold myself back. I just wanted to proclaim that I had found the holy grail and it was WORKING.

And working is very, very nice. Working is addictive. Having something working like this makes me think that I may have actually found one of the keys to the kingdom.

And that kingdom would be health and wellness.

It starts to make achieving thinness look like a real, live state I can reach.

Day 38: Feeling the Effects

2009-02-18T21:40:00.000-08:00

My feet feel thin today.

I know that's a rather funny thing to say, but when you've been chubby most of your life and you wake up one morning to thin feet--well, you just thank the Thin Gods and be grateful for small gifts.

I know even these small gifts are the result of the allergy-free diet and that makes me thrilled. Thrilled for the changes big and small I've been feeling and thrilled about the changes that I hope to see occur in the future.

I guess you could say life is taking on a bit of a sparkle lately.

Other thin affects that I've noticed recently?

thinner face
hands less bloated
stomach less bloated

Yes, to have my tummy start to disappear this early in the game is like a gigantic French kiss from the Thin Gods. My tummy has never departed so early and with so little fanfare before. It is like it is slinking away because it is aware of the ultimate defeat.

Of course, I still weigh in the 300s. Yes. But even a chubby girl can get excited to see her toes each morning in the shower without having to bend at a 90 degree angle just to wish them good morning.

Yes, the bottom half of my body suddenly seems like an old friend who has recently returned and wants to get hitched. And I'm ready to say "I DO."

The Insight I'd Share with My Sixteen-Year Old Self

2009-02-17T07:09:00.000-08:00

If I was given the chance to chat with my 16-year-old self (and if I could get her to listen and quit mooning over that cute boy in human anatomy), I would have a few pearls of wisdom to impart with said teenager.

Eat breakfast: First, I'd pat her little round cheek and tell her to "Eat breakfast, honey" each and every day. And please, please, please whatever you do forget all those ideas from Fit for Life especially the one that talks about eating only fruit until noon. That one is setting you up for disaster. Especially when your fruit consists of just freshly-squeezed orange juice each morning. Honey, when that is the only thing you eat at 7AM that is why you start to feel shaky around 9AM and that is why you are simply RAVENOUS by 10 each morning. Then you are so famished by lunch you can barely think straight. The juice is not helping you. Feeling hungry like that is not helping you. Breakfast can really be a boon to you and not such a troublemaker.

Here's a little breakfast rehab just for you and your particular little body. Eat breakfast within an hour of waking up each morning. Yes, the 7AM thing is a great idea. Now, eat a breakfast filled with some veggies, some fruit, even some good carbs and especially some good, good protein. Start your body and your brain off right for the day with things like:

eggs over easy with a bit of chunky, fresh salsa and some sliced avocado and a berry smoothie with raspberries, blueberries, almond milk, spinach and just a touch of agave nectar
pancakes made from almond flour with some almond butter and fresh fruit jam as well; eat some soft-boiled eggs and a grapefruit or a bowl of strawberries as accompaniment
some steel-cut oatmeal with egg whites cooked in it and some sliced apples, cinnamon, chopped pecans and a bit of agave nectar on top
veggie frittata muffins with broccoli, spinach, red peppers and onions
an omelet with green onions, red peppers, mushrooms and spinach with a bowl of fresh fruit

Are you getting the idea? Make sure that you eat early and often and don't skimp on the good stuff. Breakfast is going to make your day. Really.

Eat a bit of protein at each meal: Since I know you are going to want a guideline here let's make it 2 oz. of protein. That's not a lot really. But it is a bit. And whatever bit of protein it is it needs to be a good bit, meaning lean proteins that are minimally processed like chicken, turkey, eggs and fish. Grill it, sautee it, bake it, poach it or boil it but get it. Just that little bit of protein is going to help stabilize your blood sugar and keep you smiling and sparkling all day long.

Eat every 3 to 4 hours: Yes, eat a little bit every 3 or 4 hours. Have a mini-meal. I still want you to eat breakfast, lunch or dinner and eat a little snack between each of them like around 10AM and 3PM each day. Trust me, the food fairies will look fondly at you for taking care of yourself so well and your jeans will get looser not more snug. Just make sure each of those meals or snacks includes a bit of protein, some veggies and fruit, and some excellent fats. Your body will love you for it and you will love your body. Snacks could include

some grilled chicken and an apple
2 hard-boiled eggs and some berries
a min turkey patty wrapped in lettuce and topped with avocado, a dash of lemon and some salt
apples with some almond butter or some raw almonds
a bit of grilled salmon over some spinach and tossed with lemon juice, olive oil and a bit of garlic

Like that. You want to eat fresh, whole foods and make them taste goooood.

In your life, snacks are not optional, they are a necessity.

Up the veggies and fruits: Veggies and fruits are your friends. Your very, very good friends. They love you and they will make you and your body very happy. That said, honey, you need to watch out for a few of them.

In the vegetable department that would include carrots and corn. Somehow these are the go-to veggies for American society. (Peas are close third and should be watched as well) They are both high in natural sugars and really need to be watched by you. Just stay away from them overall. And explore the vast world of yummy vegetables like spinach, asparagus, broccoli, peppers, onions, squashes, tomatoes, etc. And just remember this little tip: nearly every veggie tastes like dynamite roasted in the oven with a little olive oil and celtic sea salt. Hmmmmmmm.

In the fruit department, eat a varied and diverse selection of fruits, but be aware of the high-glycemic ones. They will not sit well with your very particular metabolism. The high-glycemic fruits include watermelon, cherries, grapes, oranges and dried fruit. Go to town on the fruits more ideally suited to you like: peaches, pears, plums, apples, kiwi, grapefruit and pineapple. Your body will love you for taking such good care of it.

Dairy: Good, whole, full-fat, raw dairy full of nutrients and vitamins can work. My suggestion for you initially though is just stay away. Dairy is so ubiquitous in our society and so highly pasteurized, processed and denuded of its natural goodness that initially I think it is better to learn how to get along without it in your diet. And I'm still not sure if it causes problems for you or not. So, let's just say to stay away from dairy in general with the caveat that in the future you may include it on a limited basis if it comes in its raw and natural form.

That means to learn how to bake and eat without it. For baking you can turn to things like grapeseed oil, coconut milk, fresh almond milk and such. Dairy is often accompanied by white flour in some form so sometimes it is easier to break the bonds to both of these foods together rather than exclude them separately.

Grains: The area of most confusion in your older self and the least clarity. Here's the current thought though on grains. Eventually you may be able to work them back into your diet as a limited whole grain. For now though, I know you are obsessed with wanting to look differently and feel differently and the quickest path to that place is to cut grains from your life. I mean wheat in all its varied and crave-inducing forms: breads, bagels, pastries, pastas, crackers, cookies, cakes and pretzels. Just be done with the wheat wonders of the world. And their close cousins: rye, barley, oats, spelt, amaranth and the list goes on. Also white rice.

Really, if you are going to eat any grains over the rest of your teenage life here are the ones I would recommend: brown rice and steel-cut oats. And I wouldn't be eating these every day. But both of these are acceptable once or twice a week. Maybe a 1/2 cup to a 1 cup at a time. Just watch carefully and closely how you feel over the next few days and make sure that they are not causing any negative emotional or physical issues for you.

And give your older self some love for finally figuring out how to stop the sugar cravings in your life. Cut the grains.

Other carbs: There are other carbs that fall somewhere between the line of veggies and grains. They are things like potatoes and yams and winter squashes. Really you can have some of each of them in moderation and even daily as long as you stay away from white potatoes. They are not your friend. Especially in their hydrogenated fat form sold at every fast food restaurant in the land as french fries. Just keep the white potatoes at bay.

Do enjoy though baked red potatoes, yams and winter squashes. All are good with a little olive oil, some fresh herbs and a dash of salt. These foods will make your body sing with pleasure.

Sugar: This is the one you've been the most vigilant about in your young life thinking that it causes you the most problems. Here's something to think about though---it is not the whole story. In your desire you eliminate sugar cravings from your life know that they don't just come from sugar. They are equally induced by white flour and a heavy grain diet. Stay away from all fake sugar substitutes like aspartame and Splenda (you will see it appear with a vengeance in your future). The fake sugar just like other future terms of trans fat and olestra are just fake and they give no love to your body and only contribute to its decline. When you do have sugar let it come in miniscule, organic forms to sweeten up a bit of dark chocolate or similar treat. And best of all, be on the look out for natural sweeteners like stevia and agave nectar to use in your baking.

Boxed, bagged and canned: Here is one as a teenager that I think you may have a bit of trouble with. In our modern-day society, foods that come in a box, a bag or a can usually include something from this list: sugar, high fructose corn syrup, partially hydrogenated oils, cottonseed and soybean oil, MSG, preservatives, and other food additives. Foods that come wrapped in these casings and with these little tagalong friends are foods that can be viewed as edible, food-like substances. They are not real food. And as such they should be closely monitored and virtually eliminated from your diet. They do not love you. And as such they do things to you that are not pretty. So, my suggestion is: just let them go. Say goodbye, mourn their parting, bid them adieu and release them from your cravings, your daily life, your palate.

Trust me, with some of the deliciousness you will be consuming, your taste buds will have much to delight in.

I know that is a pretty long list for any 16-year-old to absorb. Do your best. Read it over and ask me questions. Just remember that if you eat real, whole foods and balance each meal with some good protein, excellent fats and plenty of fruits and veggies you will have a great head start on all of this.

And you'll be amazed at how much better your feel inside and how much better your look outside. This list is the key to good health, optimism and prosperity in your life.

The secrets to your success.

A Treat for Valentine's Day

2009-02-14T02:00:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day!

I hope it is a great day full of love for each of us. May we all share love and joy with those close to us.

Now to celebrate your Valentine's Day, here is a recipe that will not only hit your sweet tooth but do it without causing unnecessary damage. I made these treats this week and got rave reviews. I think what contributed to those reviews was the first time I made these a few months ago, I burned the pecans and burnt pecans lend a distinct flavor of overdone to any recipe they inhabit. So, this time I watched the pecans much more closely and the candy bars turned out much, much better.

Again, this recipe is from Elana over at elanaspantry.com. She continues to inspire and influence my cooking. This journey has been a lot more joyful because I've had her as a mentor through it. So, I hope this recipe hits the spot for some of you who are looking for a sweet treat that is quick, easy, and without some of the normal pitfalls (white flour, sugar) of sweet treats that abound at this time of year.

Candy Bars
from elanaspantry.com
2 tablespoons grapeseed oil
2 teaspoons celtic sea salt
2 cups pecans, chopped
1 cup almond butter
½ cup agave nectar
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
2 cups dark chocolate 73% (I cut this down to 1 1/2 cups for a little less chocolate)

Preheat oven to 500°
Warm grapeseed oil and 1 teaspoon salt in a large saute pan over high heat
Add pecans to pan and cook for 3 minutes
Remove pecans from pan and immediately transfer to a baking sheet
Place pecans in 500° oven for 3 minutes, remove and cool
Warm almond butter, agave, vanilla and ½ teaspoon salt in a saucepan over medium heat
Remove from heat and stir pecans into almond butter mixture
Spread batter into an 8 x 8 inch pyrex dish and freeze for at least 1 hour
Remove from fridge, cut into 1 x 3 inch bars; place on small (parchment paper lined) baking sheet
Melt chocolate in saucepan over lowest heat possible
Drizzle chocolate over each bar
Sprinkle bars with remaining ½ teaspoon salt
Freeze and serve
Makes 18 candy bars

I love chocolate and these treats are particularly good with gooey chocolate. What I've found though is that when I consume really good dark chocolate like this recipe recommends that I don't have to eat the whole pan of candy bars. One or two hits the spot just right for me. And then there are more treats left over for the next day and the next and the next. Also, my taste testers and I decided that these treats are even better the second day because the chocolate is less intense and the almond buttery goodness of the pecan mixture is even more noticeable.

Hope the day of love is full of lots of sweetness and light for you and your loved ones.

What I Believe about Food: The Ongoing Development of My Food Philosophies

2009-02-13T10:34:00.000-08:00

Just to be clear here, I'm using the word "diet" in my post to mean the foods I consume and I'm not referring to some "diet" for losing weight. There is so much negative connotation with the word "diet" in our society and we play havoc on our psyches and the psyches of our daughters when we go on and on about being "fat" and "needing to go on a diet." The damage we do to ourselves emotionally when we become obsessed with dieting puts most of American women on the eating disorder spectrum and puts us smack dab in the middle of diet mentality.

So, when I refer to diet today, I'm talking about what I am and am not consuming as a part of this allergy-free diet that my doctor recommended.

How is the allergy-free diet going?

I'm still feeling good about it. I think my mind is much, much clearer since starting this. My body feels better. I have more energy. I'm not experiencing such emotional highs and lows. My emotional state tends to be much more calm. All in all I like eating clean like this. I've always liked it when I've done it.

And thus, we come to my predicament: Will it last? Are my current food philosophies filled with truth? And can I be open to further changes and adjustments of those philosophies?

In the past I've tried different types of diets for different reasons: no-sugar diet; food-combining diet; a vegetarian, dairy-free, sugar-free diet; low-fat diet; low-glycemic, low-carb diet, and now, essentially a grain-free, dairy-free, sugar-free diet.

A few things I've learned along the way about my particular body. My very particular body.

Protein: I do better with protein. My body responds to lots of lean protein: eggs, turkey, chicken and fish. I just respond better to a diet with solid protein. I was vegetarian, nearly vegan, for two years and I really, really wanted that to be the holy grail of my health success. It was not. I was not a big protein consumer after that until 4 years ago when I started eating 2 oz. of protein 6 times a day. I felt immense amounts of latent guilt as I was still carrying around a lot of my assumptions that the vegetarian lifestyle was somehow a more righteous lifestyle. My diet experiment with protein proved me wrong though. Protein is better--much, much better--for my body.

Dairy: I was never much of a milk drinker. Or an ice cream lover. But once I discovered really good cheese, well that's where I loved my dairy. As a teenager I believed most dairy was really not good for you. That's when I first started experimenting with different kinds of milk like rice milk and soy milk. That belief has been modified a bit. I think if you are going to consume dairy it needs to be raw milk products or really, really good cheese or plain, full-fat, made-from-raw-milk yogurt. In my mind, we do our bodies a disservice when we ingest anything that has been processed. If you are going to eat something, eat it in as close to a natural state as possible. Then your body will have less trouble dealing with it. That said, I don't consume dairy right now because I'm trying to find out if I'm allergic to it.

Vegetables: I eat loads more vegetables now than I ever have in my life. Part of that is a growing taste awareness and part of that is a body awareness: my body responds joyously to lots of vegetables. Its like the gears unstick and the drains unclog and the whole conglomeration of body processes improves. My body likes the way it feels after lots of vegetables. My habits though still tend to a heavy-grain proclivity. The only veggies I stay away from are corn and carrots or the high-glycemic veggies.

Fruit: Fruit and I were born as kindred spirits. I love fruit. And fortunately, fruit loves me. I often make smoothies in the morning comprised of blueberries, raspberries, spinach, almond milk and a touch of agave nectar. I try to add ground flax seed too as often as I remember. Those smoothies are yum! I tend to stay away from high-glycemic fruits such as bananas, cherries, watermelon, grapes, etc. but I will eat cherries and grapes occasionally. It's all about balance for me.

Grains: This is the area of greatest conflict for me. I'm feeling pretty good about the other areas of my diet, but grains and I are dancing a little tango and I'm still not sure which way its going to go. Will I have to say effectually "bon voyage" to most grains in my life? What is moderation when it comes to grains? I feel a lot of guilt about this matter as well because of the LDS Word of Wisdom that talks about grains as the staff of life. What does that mean? How do I interpret that for my body especially when I seem to do so much better emotionally and physically when grains play a minor role in my diet? When I emphasize vegetables, fruits, lean proteins, and good fats and limit my grains to some brown rice that is when my body seems to operate optimally. I have not experimented yet with quinoa or teff or amaranth but it seems when a grain includes any kind of gluten I tend to do much better to stay far, far away from it. I even have to be cautious about steel cut oats. Right now, they are not a part of the allergy-free diet so I don't consume them. And the only other heavy carbs I consume are red potatoes, yams and squashes. So grains seem to be something I have to be terribly cautious about consuming.

Good fats: Olive oil, avocados, raw nuts and nut butters and fish oil are all considered good fats in my book. I continue to work on improving their appearance in my diet. The other fat that I consume quite a bit of is grapeseed oil. While it is not an omega-3 fat, it does have a high smoke point for cooking and I like it much better than canola oil. Good fats are ESSENTIAL for a healthy body. This is a lesson that was deeply implanted in my psyche after I spent 15 months in 2004-2005 on a diet that met all my other specifications--low-grain, dairy-free, good proteins--but was essentially a no-fat diet. I remember thinking after a couple of months on that diet that if I could just have olive oil, avocados and raw nuts than that diet would be just right. I ignored that inspiration and continued the diet only to have it EXPLODE in my face after 15 months. I then began consuming any fats or grains I could get my hands on. I think if I had been eating really good fats (and supplementing with an excellent source of fish oil) all during that 15 months that I would not have had such a spectacular emotional blowout. I also would not have thrown out the good parts of that system of eating like I did when I dove head first back into old patterns of eating. So, good fats are a necessity.

Treats: I think treats are an important part of any diet. Treats often are a social, happy, celebratory part of what we eat. Social togetherness and celebration are an important part of feasting. Now, having said all of that, I think what passes for treats in most of America is pre-packaged, poor-quality, loaded with chemicals, white-flour-based and filled with high glycemic loads. Even homemade treats. So, I want to revamp treats entirely. This is where my favorite food blogger, Elana, comes in. Her treats are my kind of treats. They are made with good oils, no dairy and are gluten-free. The glycemic load of her desserts is often lower because she relies on blanched almond flour, coconut flour and agave nectar to do her baking. And she also is very much into excellent dark chocolate. As am I. 'Cause really, we all know that chocolate is what makes the world go 'round. At least my little world.

Just a few other notes about food and my thoughts about it.

Real food: I'm trying as much as I can to eat whole, organic, natural foods. I think whatever we consume whether it is dairy, grains, protein or treats we should do our best to consume those foods in their raw, unprocessed or minimally processed state. To me that means organic fruits and vegetables. That means whole grains like whole wheat flour or whole grain flour--even to the point of grinding those flours ourselves from the grain kernels so we know the flour is as fresh as possible. For protein that means to me nitrate-free foods like bacon and hot dogs and organic, grass-fed beef and poultry as well as cage-free, organic eggs. That means not consuming most foods that come in a can or a box or a package and spending more time cooking at home and pulling together meals from the freshest possible ingredients.

Enriched Flours: I already mentioned my issues with grains and how my body responds to them. I think that one area that is a toxic loading dump to good health is using enriched flours for baking and cooking. I think we were sold a bill of goods in the 1960s in America when food companies started "enriching" flours with "vitamins and minerals." If you are going to use flours then I believe it is best to use minimally processed, whole grain flours that are not "enriched" by man. And I think that white flour should either never be used or be used with extreme caution. For the glycemic load alone, it is one of the worst foods we can consume, not to mention its utter lack of any nutrients. It is much better, in my opinion, to consume whole grains if you consume grains at all. Remember foods in as close to a natural state as possible.

Chemicals, additives, preservatives, MSG: It is hard with our current food culture to stay away from these items entirely. Which is why I find that making things from scratch as much as possible is the best way to go. Then I always know what is in my food.

High-fructose corn syrup: I stay away from HFCS. I think once again the American public was sold a bill of goods when food manufacturers started using corn syrup to extend the shelf life of food. I particularly think that HCFS is a massive, massive problem for anyone like me with glycemic issues. I stay as far away as possible from this item.

Partially hydrogenated oils: Just don't do it. Don't eat foods with partially hydrogenated oils. They offer no nutritional value and will harm rather help your health. Then cut out most packaged, boxed and baked goods from your diet because they are full of it.

Kid Food: Oh the great experiment. What to feed kids and how to feed them when they are surrounded in everyday life by food-like substances such as chicken nuggets, french fries, hot dogs and fish crackers. I don't know the answer to this one except that if they eat good, yummy, wholesome food while in your presence than at least the majority of the food they consume as little children is going to be good for their bodies. Where I would likely turn into a tigress around food with kids is if my child had food allergies or food intolerances. Then I would be vigilant and loud to anyone and everyone about what my child could and could not eat.

Attitude Adjustment: Having said everything that I've said about food and knowing that I tend to have pretty strong opinions about food, I believe that a vital ingredient of good health and spreading the love of good health is an open, caring, willing to listen attitude. I once knew a person whose family was in the health-food industry. I was impressed with many of things this family did to live a healthful lifestyle. What I was not impressed by was the attitude of judgment that I felt when exposed to their food philosophies. I think that sometimes when we try to live a healthy lifestyle or we are forced to eat different than the norm of American society we can get labeled as hippie, granola, extreme, or crazy. This puts people on the defensive because so often they are criticized for going against the society norm. But the other side of that coin is that people with strong beliefs about food and health often see themselves as better than the normal, plebeian consumers of the Standard American Diet. It is an attitude I struggle with. I've had so many food issues for so much of my life that when I do eat better or more in line with my perceptions of good eating, I find that I can quickly start to compare myself to others and assume that somehow I am better than someone else whose grocery cart is filled with white flour, ice cream and boxes of mac and cheese. What that usually means when I start thinking that way is that something is hard or difficult in my life and I'm using a false sense of self-esteem "I eat better than so and so" to soothe my own harried emotions. There is no place in discussions of good health for this attitude of comparison and division. I think too often that attitude just overwhelms anyone who is trying to make baby steps towards better health. It discourages people from eating healthy because they feel unless they are doing everything perfectly than it isn't worth doing anything at all. I find it so much more helpful instead to be open to all kinds of discussions and opinions on healthy eating and to find as much common ground as possible between our differing food philosophies. Spread the love and celebrate really good food together.

In the end, I know that most everyone wants to eat better and feel better. I know that road doesn't look the same for everyone either. I have to write these things down to remind myself what I think about good health because I get so easily distracted and confused. I think that I should be more easygoing about food or that I put too much stock in how food affects my health and my emotions. Then I start eating things like sugar, more grains, more packaged or fast foods and I grow more emotionally volatile, less calm, bloated and tired, and angry. I work constantly to find balance towards eating well and eating sensibly and eating with moderation. And then that balance seems to constantly evolve as well so I have to be prepared to consume or not consume some food that I used to preach for or against in a previous food philosophy.

What I'm saying is that I'm going to mess up and I'm going to make mistakes and I'm still learning and growing when it comes to good health and how it looks in my life. If I can give myself--and thus, everyone around me--room to breathe and make those mistakes and learn then I think I'm on the right road. I want to be open. I want to lovingly welcome others to the paths of good health. And I want to encourage myself on my own path to better health.

And that's why I keep talking and want to keep talking about food.

Day 29: The Fire Came Back

2009-02-10T18:44:00.000-08:00

Today the fire was burning inside my body. Today I was hungry the entire day. The whole day. Today I thought about food nonstop.

It was one of the days.

I was hungry for everything but nothing looked good. I wanted to eat everything but nothing in my own house. I couldn't think of anything interesting to make and nothing sounded good. What I wanted today was just to eat and eat anything I wanted. Today, the allergy-free diet almost went down the tubes.

I craved burgers and fries with tangy fry sauce. I wanted candy. I wanted nachos with cheesy cheese and extra guacamole. I wanted homemade bread slathered in butter and jam. I want creamy soups. I wanted anything and everything but what was good for me.

I seriously contemplated breaking the challenge.

Of course, I didn't help myself. I was feeling petulant and unmotivated so I didn't make breakfast. I took some turkey, apples, and nuts to work and ate all of those but wanted more. I wouldn't go home and cook for myself but I wanted food.

Mostly, I didn't want to make any food but I wanted yummy, delectable food served to me.

I didn't want to think about preservatives, MSG, dairy, gluten, wheat, corn, sugar or ANY of the things that I'm not eating right now in an attempt to improve my health.

I wanted to eat the way I used to eat.

When I left work late, I drove by Carl's Jr. and picked up a low-carb burger (meat patty, onions, tomatoes, lettuce) and ate that. (Note to self: If I ever do that again remember to ask for "no condiments." I'm sure that the mayo, mustard and ketchup on it were not legal.)

It certainly helped me to manage the hunger somewhat. Then I ate some rice cakes and grapes at my sister's house. Then I ate some leftover flank steak and roasted cashews at my parent's house. All in an attempt to assuage the hunger inside of me.

In the car on the way home after eating my low-carb burger, I was feeling particularly down and defeated if I would ever get to eat anything good again in my life. And that was the thought that sent me the red alert. If I was growing despondent about what I could and couldn't eat then something more was going on here. My emotions were riding a bit of a tidal wave. And if my eating was pretty much under control and I'd been feeling pretty well emotionally the few days before this day, then I started to wonder if all of this emotion could be the result of other hormonal issues in my life like PMS.

And wouldn't you know it, Aunt Flo showed up the very next day.

I don't like to blame my emotions or my mood on my cycle, but I do like to be aware of my emotional makeup around that cycle. And here are some pretty typical emotions and feelings for me:

one day where I feel particularly strong and impenetrable. I barely feel hunger which always leads me to believe that I finally have figured out the eating thing in my life and I generally just feel alert and strong and invincible
another day that is usually premenstrual or the first day of my cycle where I'm either weepy and clingy and my emotions are very close to the surface or I'm just ANGRY. Very angry. Ticked off to the extreme by everything and everyone. And usually ravenously, ravenously hungry. And hopeless and depressed and overwhelmed.

If I know those days are happening then I don't come to drastic conclusions on those days or assume that my life is over and that I will never change and that the world is a horrible, horrible place. If I can be aware of the emotional turmoil I get thrown into then it doesn't wear me out as much and I'm able to ride it out more easily.

And that was Day 29 for me. All I can say is: I'm glad it is over.

Day 28 Progress: Cooling the Fire

2009-02-09T12:18:00.000-08:00

Things have been going well on the allergy-free diet. I'm learning to refine what I'm eating and when I'm eating it.

The last week was difficult with my really bad cold and the fact that I wasn't doing much cooking so I was surviving on whatever I could scrounge up. It was all on plan food, but I noticed that I wouldn't eat for nearly 24 hours and then when I would eat I would need to eat ASAP because I was starving.

The last few days I've been feeling a bit smug about this whole allergy-free thing too. Smugness is always a red alert for me. Anytime I start thinking that I'm doing pretty darn well on any plan is almost a sure bet for rough waters ahead.

One thing has been going well though that I never expected. My response to some foods. I made candy bars last night. They are a recipe from one of my favorite food bloggers, Elana. I promised my sister I would make the candy bars on our cabin trip a week ago but it didn't happen when I got sick. So, I made them on Sunday after our family dinner.

The first time I made the recipe several weeks ago, I was still a bit hesitant about my oven and I burned the pecans. While the candy still turned out good, the burnt pecan flavor was a bit overwhelming at times. This time, I watched the pecans much more closely and in the end . . . well, let's just say they were perfect.

With the freezing time it takes about two hours to make these. As soon as I pulled them out of the freezer the second time, I had my mom try them. Then I rushed over to my sister's house and we dissected these treats together. Conclusions: They actually taste better the next day! The intensity of the chocolate seems to lower a bit and I actually liked them better the next day. Also, the pecan and almond butter mixture is yummy. I felt like an incredible cook because these are the kinds of treats that I would usually visit a chocolatier store to buy. And I made them in my own home.

Really the best part for me though was I only ate a couple of these. And not because I was "limiting myself" or because I was "on a diet" but because after two or three I was completely satisfied. Which is a statement that hardly ever comes out of my mouth so it seems like an accomplishment in the extreme to me.

Usually my experience is just the opposite. I can eat and eat and eat a particular food and never feel fully satiated. Some foods seem to light a fire in me. That fire says "More, more, more, more." So, I eat more. Then the flames are fanned higher and higher and burn with greater heat and the fire says "More! More! More!" so I continue eating and eating trying to satiate myself until the fire burns with such great intensity that I become a writhing mass of "MORE!" and that word seems to scream from every pore in my body.

You don't believe me? I remember one particular day driving up to a fast food restaurant to order something off the menu. As I was ordering the food, in the back of my mind, I was contemplating the two other fast food places close by that I was going to stop at next to order more food. I suddenly stopped myself and realized that I was contemplating eating food from three restaurants for one meal and I could still think of a million more food items that I wanted to eat and needed to eat and couldn't wait to eat. In that moment it seemed that there was not enough time left in my life to eat all the food I could contemplate eating.

I'm sorry, not enough time???? I knew that something was wrong in that moment. When my life becomes an obsessive hunt for more food then I am either truly experiencing starvation or something is messed up in my body.

Something was messed up in my body. That feeling of fire, of never-ending fire is the way I experience metabolic syndrome. That fire is what tells me that something has to change because it is a desperate and terrible place to live to be constantly eating and never fully satisfied.

I remember when I was in junior high and high school and my mom and I would talk about weight and weight loss and she would share with me her idea of "You just need to talk to yourself. Tell yourself your only going to have a little bit of that this time. You are not going to eat all of it. Tell yourself you are really full even if you are still hungry." That seemed like utter nonsense to me when my mother said that because I had never been able to have a rational discussion with my hunger. Ever. I remember telling my mom then that it wouldn't work because "I was always hungry." I'm not sure she believed me when I told her that. Always hungry? Who is always hungry? And why? And isn't someone who is always hungry really just using that as an excuse to pig out?

But I was always hungry.

The first time that statement was ever explained to me though was when I was reading a Zone Diet book by Dr. Barry Sears. He talked about insulin and how eating a carbohydrate-rich diet (breads, pastas, rice, cookies, crackers, etc) can cause a high-insulin reaction which eventually makes you hungrier and hungrier. There in black and white I finally heard for the first time why I was "always hungry" and why my body never seemed to be satiated.

That's why when I eat something like Elana's candy bars and I feel satiated after two of them I know that something right is happening with my body. And I'm finally beginning to unlock the secrets to good health.

A Saturday of Sporadic Eating

2009-02-07T21:56:00.000-08:00

I haven't been cooking this week with this nasty cold. I'm actually a little nonplussed trying to figure out what I did eat. I know I bought some ENER-G brown rice bread that was NASTY. I did use it to make toast and then I slathered almond butter and fruit jam (no sugar) on it. It at least made that awful bread digestible. I also ate some red potatoes, an experimental olive bread that I tried, super-fast turkey burgers and spinach berry smoothies. I used brown rice tortillas as a base for almond butter and fruit jam sandwiches, as well as baking them and dipping them in salmon or tuna fish mixed with mayo. I was out of eggs, chicken and really everything else. So, most of this week was just subsisting. I would try to make something when I was starving and just couldn't exist one more moment without some kind of sustenance.

Somehow I survived the week.

That is until today. I woke up feeling fine and ready to go. I had delayed my test for school until today and so I spent the morning swapping between laundry, dishes and studying. A little after 1PM I was fainting because of hunger and I made a smoothie and ate some almonds. I didn't have time for anything else. I had to be up on campus a little after 2PM if I was going to get the test over by 4PM when the testing center closed. I was still hungry on my way to campus and I decided to pick up some hamburgers from Wendy's. I had checked their website before to look at their chili and see if I could eat it. It was full of junk, so I figured if I got a hamburger, I could at least eat the burger and veggies. What I didn't realize was the cheese would melt to the burger. So, I was scraping the cheese off, but I still got some cheese. It really was not a great solution, but if I ever hit an emergency like that again, I need to remember to order the burgers without the cheese.

After the test was over, I stayed there at work until 8PM. I was very, very hungry now. I had a menu plan and I was going to hit the grocery stores, so of course I picked up foods I could eat once I got to the car. It was kind of a wild mix of tastes and something I think only a sane person would do after a week of just subsisting and a day of starving. Are your ready for what struck my fancy?

roasted turkey breast deli slices (organic)
cashews
a chocolate crunch, gluten-free, wheat-free, sugar-free cookie
apricot juice

And that is where the majority of my calories have come from today. Sporadic eating does not lend itself necessarily to an appetizing menu.

My Reasons

2009-02-06T09:46:00.000-08:00

I haven't been advertising this blog to my friends or my family. Or anyone. I'm really hoping that if I keep writing, like-minded new friends will find me. That together we can do this weight thing. With everyone else there is too much history, too much stuff, just too much. Right now I don't want the rest of my life mixed up in this constant, daily challenge of my weight.

When I write that down, it actually sounds pretty stupid. My life and my weight are inexplicably and forever tied together. No ifs ands or buts about it. I guess I just don't want a lot of commentary on the matter from people who have watched from the sidelines for a long time. My thoughts and conclusions still feel so tentative and brand-new that I don't want someone to give me their opinion when their opinion may sway me more than they know.

Or truly, I'm just a chicken.

It remains to be seen.

Weigh In: February 6, 2009

2009-02-06T01:15:00.001-08:00

Weight: 322 pounds

Waist: 51 inches

Chest: 55 inches

Hips: 56 inches

I've been doing the allergy-free diet thing for almost four weeks now. I survived our annual cabin trip last weekend with its never-ending supply of goodies, I survived my parents' 40th wedding anniversary, and I survived my own weaknesses and fallibilities for that time period as well.

I also got a killer cold from our cabin trip. It hit me the last day and I've turned into a mucus-producing factory for the last five days. I've gone through three boxes of tissues just trying to survive. I also wacked my blood sugar with sucking down far too many cough drops. All in all a tough week for eating. I got on the scale a few days ago only to realize that I had lost like 6 pounds total for the month. Not exactly what I'd been hoping for.

Then I woke up today after sleeping for nearly 24 hours straight with this cold. And the first thing I realized was my boobs were smaller--a sure sign in my body that things are changing. So, I hopped on the scale and wouldn't you know it, I'm down 13 pounds for the month. I like that number much better.

Once again though, I have to remind myself, this is not about the numbers. Lots of other very important changes are occurring. And this journey is about so much more than how many pounds lost or pounds gained. I have to remind myself about that fact because it so quickly turns into a numbers game for me and one that I want to win.

March 299

April 275

May 260

June 245

July 230

Aug 215

Sep 200

Oct 187

Nov 175

Dec 162

Jan 149

Feb 137

Mar 135

See what I mean? I'm constantly playing the numbers when I think things are going well. And when they are not going well? I IGNORE anything and everything to do with numbers. I become number-blind.

I still have so much to learn.

Weeks 2 and 3: Why I Love Meal Planning

2009-01-28T01:59:00.000-08:00

Weeks 2 and 3 had one very big highlight to them: My new six-week meal plan. I knew if I was going to survive this allergy-free diet thing, I could not just coast by eating snatches of things here or there. I had to have a plan. I had to eat good, yummy, amazing food that I would eat regardless of allergies or no allergies. I had to be eating sweet, succulent yummy dishes. So, I made a six-week meal planner for dinners. 42 dinners. Yikes! I'm not even sure I know 42 dishes. But I put together a meal plan. And it is good. I'm cooking more than ever and I'm eating better than ever.

Plus, I'm saving money.

Does it get better than that?

Week 1: Progress on the Allergy-Free Diet

2009-01-19T21:21:00.000-08:00

The allergy-free diet has been going strong for a week now. While I'm pleased as punch about this week, I'm even more interested to see how week 18, 19 and 20 develop simply because I'd like to have jumped all the hurdles I'm going to have to jump to actually arrive at those weeks. In other words, mama wants to know if she can make it that long.

It has by no means been a obstacle-free week. For example:

opened and used a can of black beans and then looked a the label only to discover that it contained sugar. I like to think I'm a pretty consistent label reader but this one caught me totally off guard. Why is sugar added to beans?
foraging after a party at the parents' house this weekend and took a big old bite of flank steak only to realize within seconds that it had been marinated in soy sauce (contains wheat); that didn't stop me from taking 3 or 4 more bites; it took me that long to wrestle myself away from it.
could not eat my smoked paprika chicken without what I call special sauce (mayo, ketchup, dijon mustard) and said a fond farewell to ketchup as a part of that mix; know that I will be experimenting with making my own ketchup just so I can keep making the special sauce.

Thank goodness in all of this for Elana over at elanaspantry.com. She's been keeping me sane. She's also been keeping me cooking. In the last few days, I've made her chocolate chip cookies, her almond butter blondies, her cod piccata, and her smoked paprika almonds. All were yummy, but the smoked paprika almonds were fragrant and smoky and hot. I tested them out on Meg's clan and got rave reviews.

I modified the recipe a bit because I'm not a spicy hot fan. You should know though that any recipe that starts with fresh garlic and smoked paprika is going good places.

Smoked Paprika Almonds
from Elana at elanaspantry.com

2 tablespoons olive oil
2 cloves garlic
3 cups raw almonds
2 teaspoons smoked paprika
1 teaspoon celtic sea salt

1. Heat the olive oil in a large skillet over medium heat
2. Add garlic to the skillet and saute for 3-5 minutes, until the garlic is almost brown
3. Add smoked paprika and salt and stir to make a paste
4. Add the almonds and stir constantly until they are thoroughly coated
5. Continue toasting almonds in the skillet until they are fragrant, about 5 minutes
6. Remove from heat and allow the nuts to cool in the pan
7. Serve

They actually made me think of popcorn too. There was this delicious, toasty smell wafting through my house the rest of the night and I ate more almonds than should likely be consumed in one four-hour period.

Easy, fast and you may not be able to stop at just one!

Day Six: Starvation and Refeeding

2009-01-16T17:20:00.000-08:00

I read this awesome post today that is exactly in line with the concept of intuitive eating.

Today I starved. It has been a busy week with long nights and I've been trying not only to do this allergy-free diet but also to exercise every day. And I'm in school. And work has been very stressful. So every area of my life this week was calling out for attention. Financially it was hard as well. I finally got the money I needed in the middle of the week, but by then I was deep in the depths of my week and didn't have time to do menu planning or serious grocery shopping. I existed throughout the week eating smidgens of things here and there but without getting out the cutting board and firing up the oven and really getting some good food going in my life.

It all came to a head this morning. I left the house late without packing any food--a sure sign of things going wrong for me that day. Whenever this happens, I usually starve and starve and starve all day long until I hit the 3PM bewitching hour when the only thing I can think about is: FOOD. Glorious, beautiful food. And all I do is think about food until I get some. Usually this means the vending machines, a fast food run, or the a jaunt over to the bookstore. Anything to get my blood sugar up and to get me feeling better. Or at least less hungry.

Today, I simply had to go home and make some food. I couldn't run to a fast food place. There was nothing that I could pick up really quickly to feed myself. I had to go home and make food. And it took time. And I was so hungry. But if I'm ever going to truly do this allergy-free thing, I have to take care of my body and do the things it keeps asking me to do. So, I'm doing those things.

I guess part of this changing process is learning not only that starvation is detrimental to me emotionally and physically, but also that it takes time to feed yourself. Whether you wait until 3PM to acknowledge that fact or not.

Day Four Status

2009-01-14T13:37:00.000-08:00

I'm hungry.

I need to go grocery shopping. I need to get a meal plan. I need to cook a bunch of food.

I have exercised Monday and Tuesday--at least 20 minutes each day on the treadmill.

I also made a giant, lovely chocolate cake for my sister's birthday yesterday and I didn't touch it. I will eat that cake again in the future at some point, but for yesterday the choice was to not go there.

So, at least I'm swinging a bit more to the healthy side of life.

Day Two Is Going to Bed

2009-01-12T21:14:00.000-08:00

So, the plan is in action. It has commenced. I'm on the road.

I felt like a million bucks today. Funny thing, isn't it? I mean you stay away from the things that your body can't handle and all of a sudden you are feeling like a rock star.

That's me: Rock star incarnate.

Well, at least I'm on the road.

The Year of Action: My Health Plan for 2009

2009-01-10T06:00:00.000-08:00

I sat down and nailed out all of the particulars. I feel good about my plan. I think it is a good lifestyle plan. My only hesitation and caution is I don't want to fall deeply into "diet mentality" and perfectionism. I'm hoping to avoid those triggers by setting realistic weight loss goals as well as only weighing myself on the first Saturday of each month.

I'm calling this year The Year of Action because last year was The Year of Inaction where I took my love of avoidance to the extreme. I'm exhausted from all that avoiding. It wears me out. At least with action or hard work, I can feel good about accomplishing something at the end of the day rather than the nonstop feeling of pressure and unease because I spent so much time avoiding.

So, here's the plan in all of its detailed glory:

The Year of Action

What is my health plan?

After months and years of indecision, I’ve decided. I’m going to follow the 6WBMO plan with my modifications. I’m going to exercise 6 times a week? (or at minimum 4 times a week) either to a DVD, at my parent’s house, at the gym or outside. I’m going to record my weight and my waist measurements, but they are not the signs of progress. My signs of progress are whether I’m eating and exercising well, how my clothes fit, what my energy is like and what my mood is. The weight loss is simply a by product of healthy living.

My spiritual and emotional health has to be intact as well. I’m going to study the scriptures and pray each day.

Short-term goals:
For two months to keep my exercise and eating goals, so when I go in for my blood tests with the doctor on March 6th these stats will be improved

Exercised at least 4 times a week
Stayed away from dairy, wheat and sugar in a modified allergy diet.
As I progress with this diet, see if I can also cut out corn and oats as they are on my food intolerance list
Ingest brown rice and red potatoes only a few times a week instead of every day.
Improve my HDL levels to a normal, healthy level
Normal glucose response—in healthy glucose levels so out of insulin resistance.
Improve my Vitamin D levels to normal range

Long-term goals:

Lose 200 lbs. in the next 20 months
Maintain a healthy weight (within a 5-10 pound range) for five years

Eating plan:

1. Eat 5-6 times a day following 6WBMO plan
a. 2 oz. lean protein with each meal
b. 1-2 cups of veggies 2-3 times a day
c. ½ cup fruit 3 times a day
d. ½ cup carbs 2-3 times a day
e. Fats: good oils, raw nuts and seeds, avocados
f. Almond milk and almond cheese
g. Low salt, fresh, whole foods, cooked at home
h. 1 small piece of great dark chocolate daily, but only may be savored
i. Drink 100-150 oz. of water a day (4-5 bottles, 32 oz. size)

2. Foods I will seek out:
a. Lean proteins: turkey, chicken, fish, eggs, grass-fed beef (periodically)
b. Good carbs: yams, squashes, red potatoes, brown rice, spelt, rye, (caution on corn and oats—need to temporarily cut these out for food intolerances)
c. All veggies: spinach, onions, garlic, all greens, broccoli,
d. Lots of fruit, especially apples, all kinds of berries, kiwi, peaches, pears, nectarines,

3. Foods that make me sick, tired, bloated, fat, depressed and overweight
a. Sugar and sugary sweets, treats and desserts
b. Processed foods: chips, candy, crackers, breads, pastries, cookies,
c. Fast food: burgers, fries, sandwiches, chips, soda,
d. Wheat
e. Dairy

4. Foods that I eventually have to eliminate for a few weeks for my food allergy elimination diet
a. Corn, oats
b. Citrus

Exercise plan:

Exercise 4-6 times a week
Walking at least 3 times a week
Pilates DVD and yoga DVD another 2-3 times a week
Possibly rebounding (little trampoline)
Strength training 2 times a week
Stretching and flexibility 2 times a week
Exercise in the morning, first thing

Stats:

Measure days of exercise as well as time spent
Record food in online diary
Weigh once a month at beginning of month
Measure waist, hips, breasts at beginning of month

Why I'm Thinking about Maintenance

2009-01-09T08:15:00.000-08:00

It may seem funny initially to contemplate maintaining a healthy lifestyle and healthy weight when I'm just starting to lose a bunch of weight, but I believe it is essential. At least it has felt essential this time around.

I've lost weight before. I've lost a lot of weight before. I've lost a lot of weight several times before. What I haven't yet done is maintain that healthier weight.

That is where I am at in this health journey now. I want maintenance. I want to live a healthy lfie despite trouble, turmoil or a busy life. I want to do life differently than I have been doing it.

I heard a while ago that it takes five years of maintenance for a weight loss goal to stick forever with a person. I want my five years. I want to lose this weight and I want five years of living healthy that then turns in to 10, 15, 20, 30, 40, and 50 years of healthy living. I want it to stick.

When I started regaining so much weight, so quickly a few years ago, I realized there was a lot more to losing weight and living healthy than just hitting some magic number on a scale. A lot more. What I determined at that point was that I wanted to learn that lot. If I was going to be successful at this goal of losing weight, I was going to have to consider maintenance now. Not when I reached some number on a scale, but now.

So, I've been searching for people who have lost 100 pounds or more and maintained that weight loss for five years. I've found a few. But in reality, most people who lose massive amounts of weight regain some or all of it within five years. Not all, mind you. I think part of the problem is we make such a big, big deal out of losing weight and achieiving a new body that we forget that to tell the stories of people who have continued living healthy lives for decades after. The initial weight loss gets all the headlines. It has all the sizzle and the sparkle of a new body, new clothes, new love, and new life.

For this reason, I find this recent post by DietGirl to be so incredibly valuable. Shauna Reid, the blogger at dietgirl.org spent four or five years losing 175 lbs. She's now in to her third year of maintaining that weight loss. What she has to say about maintenance in this post makes more sense to me than ANYTHING I've heard anyone else say about maintenance before. Shauna says that she lived on euphoria alone the first year after her weight loss. The second year was hard. She'd written a book about her weight loss and was flooded with feedback about what an inspiration she was when she was cycling through bouts of eating junk food and little exercise. She says:

There were times when I could have cheerfully burned my book. I bugged the heck out of myself with my optimism and irritating self acceptance. I was just plain jealous of Book Shauna, to be honest. I could barely believe that was me who'd lost all that weight and stuck at it for so many years. How did I start wanting change more than chocolate? That determined girl seemed like a stranger and I worried I'd never find her again.

Shauna, you took the words right out of my mouth. I've worried for three years that I'd never find the girl who lost 105 lbs. a few years ago. The excitement. The expectation. The clarity of thought. I've been waiting for her to show up again and get me through the weight loss so I can move into maintenance.

Maintenance seems to be a story about choosing to do all the hard things involved in weight loss--eating right, exercising, confronting emotions, changing bad habits, making difficult decisions--without all the press. There is no big parade for maintaining a healthy weight for three years or four years or even twenty. The big build up, the great goal seems to be about losing the weight. Then you lose a whole bunch of weight, you celebrate your achievement and then life gets hard again. You have to choose either to keep going with your healthy lifestyle or abandon it. And I abandoned my healthy lifestyle.

I gave it up for many reasons, but I think the real clincher is something called the diet mentality. I invested myself heavily in that mentality. It includes things like: obsessing about the scale, perfectionism in eating and exercising, all-or-nothing outlook, beating myself up for eating anything off plan and focusing on that one perfect moment when the scale finally reads my magic number. That kind of thinking took me to a dangerous place emotionally that exploded in my face 14 months after I began changing my health.

Physically I felt better than I had felt in a long, long time. Emotionally though I was a basket case. When my explosion occurred, I begain eating everything in sight almost immediately. If I had not been so caught up in the diet mentality, I might have had the ability to stay with the emotions I was experiencing and allow myself the psychic space to freak out little bit. But because of the perfectionism--all or nothing--mentality that is inherent in this screwed-up thinking, I didn't pick myself up the next day and acknowledge that while I had eaten three pieces of cake, four sandwiches, and any cookie I could get my hands on the day before, it was okay. I was okay. I didn't know how to deal with that place of terror. Or my way of dealing with it was to EAT. And eat I did. Over and over and over again. Anything I could get my hands on. All the time.

I hit a brick wall and exploded emotionally and I did what I had done for a long, long time before. I ate. I soothed myself with food. I ate to forget that I was hurting. I ate to hide from my failure. I ate to mask the pain. I ate because I didn't realize that I didn't have to beat myself up for making a mistake.

If I could go back now, with everything that I've learned over the last few years, I would like to try handling that emotional explosion this way:

STOP. Stop. Quiet yourself. Sit somewhere. Acknowledge your pain. Feel it. Name it. Feel it again. Eat if you want. Don't eat. Run. Play. Dance. Sing. Mourn. Scream. Hurt. But stop and feel. Allow for gray. My health, my future, my plan seemed so black and white. I did not know how to acknowledge what I wanted while at the same time acknowledge that it might not turn out that way and to BE OKAY. I did not account for contingencies. Who wants to really? But when they come, I want a better way. I know now what gorging and gorging and eating nonstop will do to me. I know now where it will take me. I want to choose a different way. Not a perfect way. Not the only way. But experiment. Try a different way to handle the hurt that is seeping out you.

If I could redo that emotional explosion now, I would approach myself with gentleness. With kindness. With hope that things can change. With hard work no matter what. With space for the unknown to occur without me losing myself. I would hold my hand. Be a friend. And acknowledge that things might be really tough for a while.

That's why I want to think about maintenance now. I have to change my emotional lifestyle if I'm ever going to succeed at my physically healthy lifestyle. They go hand in hand.

Weigh In: January 9, 2009

2009-01-09T01:08:00.000-08:00

Weight: 335 pounds

Waist: 52 inches

Honestly, I'm a bit shocked that I weigh 335 pounds. With all the eating I did over Christmas break, I assumed I would have gained more weight. I guess though I've been losing weight slowly since last spring. I don't have any hard data to back me up but I'm pretty sure I weighed about 355 pounds when we went to Denmark in May 2008. I'm also pretty sure that I lost about 10 pounds from all the walking--and from eating a great breakfast every day. I've slowly been going down the scale since then. And I mean slowly. Because I've gone back up the scale as well. I just haven't yo-yo'd with quite the rapidity or the poundage that I've experienced in the past.

I think it is a good thing to be 335 pounds today.

RECIPE: Spinach Turkey Burger

2009-01-08T13:23:00.000-08:00

This is a simple, easy, hearty, healthy turkey burger recipe that is a regular feature on my menu now. I just discovered it a couple of months ago and the first time I made the recipe, I said, "Wow!" Often I'm underwhelmed by a recipe or overwhelmed by the intricacies of the instructions, but this recipe is straightforward and simple. I love those kind of recipes.

Typically, I find myself at the grocery store stocking up for the week and unless I have my menus for the week mapped out I will return home having forgotten one essential ingredient for some recipe. This recipe is so easy though, I doubt I will forget anything.

My version is a variation on this recipe from SparksPeople.com. There is something just right about the combination of red onion, garlic and spinach. Enjoy!

Spinach Turkey Burger

2 teaspoons grapeseed oil, 1 turn of the pan
2 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil, plus some for drizzling
1 clove of garlic, crushed
1 red onion, chopped
1 box or bag, 5 ounces, fresh spinach
1 teaspoon dried oregano, lightly crushed in the palm
8-10 thin slices mozzarella cheese (I use almond mozzarella)
1 1/3 pounds ground turkey breast,
1 tablespoon grill seasoning (recommended: Montreal Salt-Free Steak Seasoning by McCormick)

Heat a large nonstick skillet over medium heat. To one side, add a little grapeseed oil, add the chopped garlic and chopped red onion and cook 5 minutes. Transfer the onions and garlic to a bowl to cool. Return pan to heat. Add grapeseed oil to pan and then add fresh spinach without stems. Cook over medium heat until spinach wilts about 3-5 minutes. Add the spinach to the bowl with cool onions and garlic and season with 1 teaspoon of oregano. Add in ground turkey, grill seasoning and a drizzle of extra-virgin olive oil. Mix and form into 8 small to medium patties, 1-inch thick. Raise heat on pan to medium-high. Add patties and cook 6 min on each side. Or you can grill on an indoor grill for 5 minutes. Add mozzarella slices to top of patties and melt them for 1-2 minutes.

Makes 8 small burgers.

Note: The original recipe said to cook the onions and garlic in extra-virgin olive oil over medium heat, but extra-virgin olive oil is not made for sauteeing things at high heat, so I use grapeseed oil to sautee the onions, garlic and spinach. Still adds a great flavor but grapeseed oil can withstand the higher temperatures. You could use an olive oil made for high heat temperatures, but you might want to try grapeseed oil and see if you like it too.

101 Reasons I Want to be Healthy

2008-11-05T21:09:00.000-08:00

1. I don't want to carry around 200 lbs. for the rest of my life.

2. My lower back is really beginning to hurt.

3. My joints are beginning to hurt.

4. I don't want to be old and fat (just like I never wanted to be young and fat.)

5. I no longer need it. It doesn't serve me in whatever way it used to.

6. I want to be more active.

7. I want to physically be able to handle my own house and my own yard.

8. I want to get better gas mileage--less weight equals better gas mileage.

9. I want to have babies. Lots and lots of babies.

10. I want to get married. Not that I can't at this weight, but it will be much more likely if I can lose the weight.

11. I want to develop all sides of my personality--namely all of my feminine wiles.

12. I admire Elana at elanaspantry.com. If she has to eat like this and can do it so well than I can do it too.

13. I'm tired of this challenge.

14. I want to look smokin' hot in a bikini one day.

15. I want perky breasts.

16. I want to uncover my fine, fine, fine, thin body.

17. I don't want to be the fattest girl in the room any more.

18. I don't want my weight to be the first thing people notice about me.

19. I'm tired of hearing what a "pretty face" I have or what a "great personality."

20. I want to uncover the flat belly that I've always wished for.

21. I want to quit buying clothes at Lane Bryants. FOREVER.

22. I want to buy clothes at regular stores without a second thought.

23. I want to go down the slip 'n' slide at the church party on the July 24th weekend each year.

24. I want to hike the mountain peak near my house.

25. I want to have the stamina to endure at least 18 holes of golf becasue I've never played 18 holes of golf before and so many people in my family are obsessed with this sport. What is that all about?

26. I want to travel without a second thought, meaning I can go to as many art museums and sights as I want to without worrying about my feet hurting.

27. I want my feet to STOP hurting.

28. I want all sunglasses to fit me--because my face is too wide normally.

29. I want to buy cute bras.

30. I want to make more money.

31. I want to quit allowing this challenge to hold me back.

32. I want to go swimming without thinking about it.

33. I want a lovely, open lap to hold lots of babies on.

34. I want to love what I eat every day and know it is good for me.

35. I want to keep talking about food and health but I want to quit talking about my weight.

36. I want my life to feel right again. Part of that comes with my health improving.

37. I don't want little kids to ask me why I have such a big belly any more.

38. I want to do whatever I dream of physically without the limitation of obesity.

39. I want to kiss lots of boys. Or at least kiss one boy lots and lots of times.

40. I want to move on with this challenge.

41. I want my friends to not only love my insides but also to love my outsides.

42. I want to heal this wound.

43. I want to go waterskiing.

44. I want to try snowboarding.

45. I want to do yoga often.

46. I want to do Pilates often as well.

47. I want to dance beautifully.

48. I want to jump on a trampoline without worrying about breaking it.

49. I want to ride a horse without my weight being a problem.

50. I want to go snowskiing.

51. I want to run and jump and play with my nieces and nephews.

52. I want to run a marathon.

53. I want to build a strong, healthy, beautiful body.

54. I want my body to have a chance after all these years.

55. I want to be my personal best.

56. I want to rid myself of my morning kleenex-and-mucus habit.

57. I want beautiful skin that isn't marred by a bright red flush.

58. I want to heal from PCOS.

59. I want to get rid of extra body hair.

60. I want to grow better hair on my head--that happens when I'm eating better.

61. I want to stop the greasy, nasty hair thing that happens to me if I don't wash my hair every day. I think my diet will affect that.

62. I want to join a running group or fitness group with friends.

63. I want to climb ladders without worry.

64. I want to buy pretty clothes and look my best in them.

65. I want to dress with flair to highlight the best parts of my body and minimize the other areas.

66. I want to reach out to old friends and welcome new friends without allowing my weight to hold me back.

67. I want to travel without worrying about seat belt extensions in cars or airplanes.

68. I want to be the best me I can be. The most beautiful, the brightest, the happiest me I can be. I don't think I've reached my personal best.

69. I want to be pregnant.

70. I want to get my master's degree and write a book without allowing my weight and all its attendants worries, complaints and diseases to stop me from achieving those goals.

71. I want to be beautiful. Really, really beautiful.

72. I want to heal from metabolic syndrome.

73. I want to quit breaking things inadvertently because of my size.

74. I want to live up to ALL of my hopes and dreams.

75. I want to finally put to rest this one great on-going challenge in my life.

76. I want to rest from this labor for a time. Or at least not have it consume my every thought, my every free moment, my every secret wish.

77. I want people to set me up on blind dates.

78. I want to date.

79. I want to be me without this attendant trial.

80. I want to have closure on too many years of waiting for my dreams to come true.

81. I want to live up to my own ideals.

82. I want the energy to live up to those ideals.

83. I want the stamina to encourage those ideals to live and breathe in my life.

84. I don't want to be the fat cousin, fat sister, fat daughter or fat friend any more.

85. I want to be a pretty mom and a pretty wife.

86. I want to run and play with my children.

87. I want to birth healthy, beautiful children.

88. I want to never again "wait until next year" when any holiday or major event occurs, hoping against hope that once and for all I will handle this elephant of a problem in my life and be able to participate the way I want in every situation.

89. I want to have a wedding day with all of my loved ones around me.

90. I want to be a beautiful bride.

91. I want to marry a man who loves me--all of me and loves who I've become.

92. I want to spend the rest of my life looking in the eyes of my best friend.

93. I want to marshal my courage, my strength, my stamina and my hope to live my dreams.

94. I want to be admired.

95. I want to fulfill my destiny.

96. I want to live without any more regrets.

97. I want to do my best. In every aspect of my life.

98. I want something better than I have right now.

99. I don't want to miss my windows of opportunity.

100. I want to hear the voice of God. And see his light shining in my children's eyes.

101. I want my mind and heart and soul and body to be at peace and to be one. I want pure, unadulterated joy to be living in this body, in this place, in this time. No more waiting.