Doctor Visit

I went to my doctor's appointment this morning with a surly attitude. Didn't realize how surly until the receptionist handed me about 10 pages of documents she wanted me to fill out. All legal and billing documents and patient information. Ticked me off to no end because I've been a patient there for five years and you would think by now that they would have all of my relevant info, no? I had to remind myself to breathe because the ugly was baring its fangs.

Anyway, thanks to that little snafu, my bad attitude and my absolutely horrific way of eating the last few months, my blood pressure was higher than it has ever been: 153/90. I'm usually about 120/70-80. So, that wasn't a great way to start off the appointment. Plus, my weight was 339. Niiiiice.

So, I wasn't thrilled about anything. I didn't want to hear from the doctor that I should be doing a whole bunch of things differently. What I do is HARD. I wanted that acknowledged. But in all reality what I don't do and what I do when I don't care is really hard on my body.

My weight is up. My gallbladder and liver are both tender. My temperature is down to 97.3 degrees (a sign of metabolic slow down and thyroid issues). My attitude/emotions are on a roller coaster. My cycle is still anovulatory. And my energy is low, low, low.

It doesn't help that I'm stressed out of my mind by school. That I keep wondering if yet again am I going to FAIL?

The doc and I talked about the HCG diet and Dr. Mark Hyman's UltraSimple Diet too. She suggested I look them both over. Which I will do. When I can gather the energy to do more than sit at my computer at work or sit in my chair at home. I spend a lot of time just sitting.

I had big plans. I thought about getting a commuter bike and riding my bike to work each day. My gym membership is about to run out. I wish I could talk yoga classes. I so, so, so want to try Pilates too. Are all of those thoughts just wisps of smoke?

All-in-all though, I came away from this doctor's visit feeling hopeful--a feeling I didn't expect. I have two new books to read and a desire to do life better. That's always good in my book.

Maybe, just maybe, someday I will get this all figured out.

I gained thirty pounds.

Women Fear Fat

I saw this on Twitter today.

RT @HealthPop: Women fear fat. Men don't. Are you surprised? http://bit.ly/a1HLdf

I sense the fear. I feel the fear. I see how people look at me, underestimate me, wish to never be me. I'm not blind. I see how terrified people can become in my presence from the fact that I am overweight.

It is a scary thing to be obese. It carries the dichotomous pressure of having your "sins" or weaknesses erred publicly and the fact that you are never really seen by others. You are always the great white elephant in the room. Never mentioned, quickly judged, mostly overlooked.

I know this is sounding like a pathetic song of victimization. Maybe it is. Sometimes, I don't know how to tell the truth without the telling the lies that so often weigh on my mind.

And one of the big lies that permeates American society is that fat people are that way because they are weak, lazy or unintelligent. Because it isn't like they were born with a birth defect or a handicap. They are just fat. And you can always do something about being fat. Like exercise. And eat right. And stop overeating. Fat is your fault.

That kind of lie can really hurt you.

It's always easy to make fun of the fatty. It is always good for a laugh. Men who are fat can turn themselves into the butt of every joke. Women who are fat wish to melt into the scenery. Obesity in America is viewed as no less than a weakness and sometimes even a sin.

You are fat because you just are not good enough. Some days it is hard not to buy into this untruth.

I may sound heretical on this point but I know what it is like to be the subject of prejudice and bigotry. I know what it is like to be a second-class citizen. I know what it is like to be viewed as less than and worse than "the normal people." Fat is not only a weakness it is a lower-class status. You are to take your place in the basement of society and be grateful for the scraps that are thrown you. Because you are fat. And fat is very, very bad.

In some ways, women are right to fear fat. Who would want to be daily reminded that you are not and never will be good enough? Who wants to pretend to ignore the stares, not hear the snickers and preeminently exclude yourself from any activity that would put you in an awkward physical space? Who wants to be reduced to shopping for clothes in the only fat store within a fifty-mile radius? Or wear the same thing over and over and over again simply because the pain of facing yourself in the mirror is worse than the boredom of wearing clothes that you hate? Who want to be told you are "a sweetheart" and have "a pretty face" but are never complemented on how you look? Who wants to feel that no matter what she does that no amount of grooming or preparation will ever move you out of the ugly camp?

Sometimes I want to shout at people who have been thin all their lives: "Do you know what you have? Do you understand what a gift it is? Would you please just appreciate your blessings?" These people will never spend a moment worrying about tipping over a picnic table, being able to fit in a theater seat, or getting in and out of a car gracefully. These people will never understand how much their genetic inheritance plays a role in their good fortune and professional advancements. These people are not accustomed to living in a world where everything is too small and nothing is ever made to fit their size. They will be lauded as heroes and champions because of their genetic capabilities and not their own cultivated abilities. They will not be sneered at, derided or overlooked because they are so undesirable. They will not have to fight intense self-loathing and morbid self-hatred because of their weight. I see their lives as unimaginably blessed.

I may not like it but I understand and believe there is good reason for women to "fear fat."

My Plans for 2010

I want to laugh as I write that title. No matter how optimistic, hopeful, committed or deluded I am about "my plans" I know that life has a way of banging reality into my face. So, I recognize the hilarity of thinking I'm going to have utter control over the journey of this year and acknowledge that in all things I pray that God will direct my life, protect me and my loved ones and give me "the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Here then are my hopes and dreams for the year 2010:

Do the hard things.

That is my goal for this year. I'm an avoider who would much rather bury her head for a few days than face the pain and trouble of life many days. That means that for most of my life, I've chosen the easy thing, the less-hard road, the path of least discomfort. Yet, this past year I've done many hard things and realized once again that there is an exhilaration, an energy and a deep-seated joy that comes from doing those hard things and choosing the rocky road. Every single one of my goals falls under the heading of a "hard thing." My goal is to choose the hard thing so that I can reap the benefit of that exhilaration, energy and deep-seated joy.

The things I can change:

1. Daily time in prayer and scripture study

2. Daily exercise

3. Cooking, eating breakfast daily

4. Packing lunch and dinner: saves my health and saves me money and boosts my energy

5. Early to bed and early to rise

6. Cooking most of my meals

7. On time to work daily

8. Start graduate school

9. Out of debt entirely

10. Run my first race

Here's to hoping and praying and working towards making these dreams a reality.

P.S. Okay, there's more to this list. I can't stop myself. So, here are a few more things that I would love, love, love to make a part of my daily repertoire: pilates, yoga, playing guitar, playing piano, painting well, dancing. Yes, the creative juices are at a high mark for me right now. And whenever they rise up, so does my list of goals.

The Year 2009

Status Report:

I weigh 315 pounds. From January 1 of this year that is a net loss of 20 pounds. 20 freaking pounds! What have I been doing? I've still got nearly 200 pounds to lose! At this rate, 10 years from now I will reach my goal. Oh wait, I have actually been doing more than sitting on my tookus all year. (Or actually I've been sitting on my tookus a lot more--but it's been really productive sitting.) Applying to graduate school. Going to school. Pushing myself to change career paths. Seriously, how have I survived this year? Instead of beating myself up I should be congratulating myself. I'm a known emotional eater. I bury my pain with food. I've had a lot of pain this year. A lot of sacrifice, hard work and struggle. My typical modus operandi would have been to gain 50 pounds in the process. And let's be honest, my typical modus operandi would have been to not even attempt this radical change.

So, I'm happy. With a net loss of 20 pounds for 2009 and a net loss of 20 pounds for 2008, I'm currently 40 pounds less than my highest recorded weight of 355 pounds. It has been a stable (albeit slow-going) process. I'm not scared of those 40 pounds coming back. I think my life has changed enough and I've changed enough and I understand my body enough to feel good about where I am at right now.

For most of the year, I've been hovering around the 300 pound mark. I see myself back there very quickly. I also have a strong sense that I will get to 240 pounds rather quickly. Then the goal will be to get past 210 pounds. Then under 200. After the under 200 mark, I think I may either have gathered so much steam that I will reach 145-150 without a lot of fuss or I will put on the brakes and go into a holding pattern if my life feels like it is careening out of control. I don't know. I just know I'm feeling much more confident about the eating, the intolerance-free diet and the cooking. That all feels like it has fallen into place this year.

So, here is a recap of what occupied 2009:

1. Getting into graduate school: I continued to work full-time and went to school part-time trying to change my future. I want to wake up every Monday morning EXCITED to go to work. Excited to work hard. Excited to do something I love each day. I believe those future Monday mornings include: loving people through therapy, spending time in nature, writing, and raising a houseful of my very own littles with a TDH man that shares my goals, dreams, visions of our life together.

2. The intolerance-free diet: Most of 2009 I spent NOT eating things like wheat, dairy, sugar, HCFS, corn, soy, MSG and most processed foods. After three or four months of strict adherence to this plan I started to feel incredible in a way I have not felt in a long, long time. There is something absolutely magical about energy and I seemed to have energy in abundance, something that has rarely if ever been true in my life. I admit that those initial three months at times felt like I was white knuckling my way through the diet each day but I began to feel amazing and that feeling just kept building and building and building. I played around with my intolerance-free/elimination diet during the summer, got back in track (somewhat) in the fall, and then totally abandoned it for the incredibly stressful month of December as I finished the application process for graduate school. All in all though: I would not have a net loss of 20 pounds for this year without that plan and I REALLY would not have been able to face down all the fears and issues in my life without it.

3. Far too much avoidance-related coping while watching TV shows on Hulu: I guess I'm also an emotional TV watcher. Which is why I don't own a TV because I know how I am around one. But thanks to the Internet and explosion of TV shows on the world-wide web (I'm looking at you Hulu) my TV habit is alive and well. If I'm not eating my way through pain, then you will often find me immersed in pop culture oblivion to ease my way through it. So, yes, despite having an incredibly busy year, I've spent far too many late nights easing my way into dreamy sleepiness to the incandescent glow of shows like Greek, Bones, Supernatural and Glee. I've always been a sucker for a good story.

4. Cooking: I do like cooking. I always have. I've just never felt totally, 100% comfortable cooking in a traditional manner (meaning white flour, sugar, etc) because I've never been sure if that was how I wanted to cook. This year I became confident that with lots of fresh foods, alternative flours and creativity that yummy, delicious food was in my future forever. I embrace all the deliciousness of good food and I now know that I will not be deprived of any of its goodness in years to come. I have my own versions of chocolate chip cookies, hot chocolate, chocolate turtles, brownies, cake and even bread. All delicious and enticing and very, very good. I am much more confident about how and what I will be cooking for the next 40-50 years of my life and I'm excited.

Those four things along with work, school, church and family and friends. That has been my year. All in all I think that 2009 was a good year. I jumped a lot of hurdles, faced a lot of issues, realized my weaknesses more acutely and accentuated my strengths more frequently. I'm more aware of how much I still have to learn and more accepting of the process by which I will learn it. I'm kicking against the pricks less, accepting more of life and more excited for the possibilities that this year may bring.

To an excellent 2010! My all of our dreams come true.

Swollen

My entire body is swollen. Everything hurts. Everything is inflamed. My emotions are off-kilter. My sleep needs are about 10 hours a night right now. My diet is in the garbage. My exercise in non-existent.

It's time to reclaim my health and sanity.

November-December Oblivion

Weight: 317

I've been in a bit of oblivion the past couple of months with school. Well, I've really been feeling it in the weight department lately. I feel different. Not as strong and I can tell I've gained weight in places because my body feels strange to me.

The intolerance diet went out the window a few weeks ago which is when I really started to feel it.

But I'm not depressed or bitter or anything. I'm ready to get back in the saddle again and really push the exercise this time and see where it takes me.

Ready to come along for the ride?