The Acid Test

Last Monday, I was out of it emotionally. Slow, indecisive, unable to get myself moving. I had taken a couple of weeks off of work because I got hit by a particularly bad stint of depression, something I've had on and off for oh, I don't know, most of my life. I'd been dropping emotionally for several months but not in the way I usually drop, or at least that is what it seemed at the time. This drop was more physical than emotional if that makes any sense. Physically this is how I felt. 

• I did not want to move. Ever. Again. 
• I could not decide what to wear, when to get ready, even when to go in to work. Every decision felt monumental, far-reaching, and completely overwhelming. This I knew was not normal. Major indecisiveness plagues me in this place. All I can see is an interminable number of days stretching out ahead of me with more and more and more decisions to make. This makes me want to curl into a fetal position and moan continuously. 
• My very head felt heavy and dark. Like too much was going on in there and I needed someone to prop my eyelids open for me to be able to see.  

This feeling is not a feeling of health. I know that intellectually in that moment, but it is so hard to believe. So hard to comprehend. You get so conditioned, so habituated to feeling miserable and terrible and unhappy and full of loathing day after day after day that it is hard to comprehend that you ever felt any differently. That the world every looked brighter. That this is not normal. 

It is so hard to believe. 

When I realized how low I was feeling, how out of it, how in the dumps, I started to wonder if I should go on medication again. I thought about going to my doctor. I thought about doing anything and everything to make myself feel better. Even for just a moment. 

That is when I remembered a book I had called The Mood Cure. I love this book. As I reread the book, I suddenly remembered that one of the supplements recommended in the book--amino acids--were some of the same supplements my doctor had given me a while ago and I had not been taking them. I had been feeling fine. But I had forgotten that she told me to take them again if I noticed a dip in my mood. 

Let's just say that I had noticed a dip in my mood. More like a deep, gaping maw of a hole. Or a valley carved out of the guttural innards of a sky-touching mountain. Yes, I had finally with all of my deeply aware perceptions noticed the pumping hemorrhaging of my soul. 

So, I went immediately to my cupboard and took two of the amino acids. And then I went back to my book with my skepticism fully engaged as well as my heavy, heavy eyes, my indecision, and my utter inability to move. 

And then I woke up. 

Within a half an hour, my indecision lapsed, my eyes fully opened, and I moved. All seemingly simple, simple things. And all often easily brushed aside. But when you've been living on the planet of How-Will-I-Survive-the-Next-Hour, those are monumental, heroic, unbelievable feats of power and wonder. 

It was in a word a miracle. 

One that has not left me yet. One that I will continue to test today, tomorrow, and the day after that. 

It has become my acid test. 

The Unfinished Business

I've got something stuck in my throat. It is way down deep inside my gut, throbbing and beating and clutching my bowels. I'm afraid it won't let go this thing inside of me that is eating the heart out of my life. 

I will not let it win. 

I will face it. Look at it. And hold its gaze until it reveals its secrets or until it melts away in shame. 

This is my life. I am the captain of my soul. The leader of my todays. The chooser of my destiny. At least in the ways that God allows to me. 

But my is life rocky, unkept, and out of balance. And I will not inhabit this place I've been living any longer. 

I will lose 200 pounds. 

I will exercise nearly every day. 

I will eat well. 

I will center myself spiritually every day. 

I will exude energy, health and stamina. 

I will marry and have children. 

I will live the life I've been meant to live. Out from under this shadow. Out from under its paralyzing grip on my life. Out from under its tyranny. 

And I will not look back in sorrow. I will live in today. Enjoy this life. And welcome the future. 

This is MY life. And I claim it. 

How I'm Just Like Gwyneth Paltrow and Other Lies

I watched the Oprah show the other day with Ms. Gwyneth Paltrow. Now, I like Ms. Paltrow and her tall self, her children's names, and her sweet performance in Emma. 

What I found really interesting on this show was this quote about why she simply can't diet. 

I love Ms. Paltrow but I also want to spit in her eye. It seems interminably easy to me for someone who is stick thin as she is to talk glibly about eating whatever they want and exercising a little more so she doesn't blow up to "300 pounds." I hurt for you. I ache for you. You need better security guards. Because right now, honey, you've put a bounty on your head--a bounty that ever sane fat girl in America is going to try to redeem.

And I am one of them. 

I like to believe I'm not bugged by people who are thin and have body issues. I recognize your body issues are real. I just am mired in mine so they feel more real at this time. I'm sorry you gain 5 pounds every time you gorge on chocolate cookies for six days. I only gain 30 pounds in such an instance. I'm sorry that hips were a bit big after childbirth. Mine are double your "fat" size and I've never given birth. I know you once wore a fat suit and were appalled at how poorly you were treated. I don't wear a fat suit and I survive that treatment every day.

http://movies.ign.com/articles/316/316006p1.html

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24524557/

http://www.fitwoman.com/fitbriefings/dietmentality.shtml

http://www.nyrock.com/interviews/2001/paltrow_int.asp

http://movies.about.com/library/weekly/aa110201a.htm

http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/oprahshow/20080828_tows_paltrow/4

The Day the Diet Died

After three weeks and lots of hard work, the second (or is it third or fourth?) attempt at the allergy-free diet just died an ignominious death at the hands of carbohydrates. And dairy. And chocolate. And anything else I've been craving.

It was sad ending to the most progress I've made in that direction so far.  

Let the pity party begin and the eating subside and then let's get the hard work going again. 

Please. 

Weigh-In for Saturday, September 6, 2008

This whole weigh in thing I've really got to watch. One of my downfalls in 2004/2005 was an obsession with the scale. I would weigh every day. sometimes twice a day, in my great push to LOSE weight. I had started losing weight because I wanted to feel better but it quickly turned into "how many pounds can I lose and how quickly can I lose them?" scenario. I was constantly calculating where I would be in a month or six months or a year. It was nonstop for me.

Then came my big KABOOM experience in 2005 and I went from losing about 15 pounds a month to gaining 30 pounds in 4 weeks. It didn't stop there. Within NINE months I had gained 130 pounds and I wanted to DIE.

So, I'm only weighing once a month to mark my progress. There will be no daily weigh-ins. No nonstop tabulations. No twice-daily readings on the scale. This is the not the thing to determine my happiness or my health. It is only a marker, a note to progress, an acknowledgement of effort. It is not the sum of my existence, the reason for my smile, the last clinging hope of my faith.

It is a just a scale. And regardless of what I lose on the scale, I am more than that number. Always and forever.

Let that be my mantra, no matter the monthly weigh-in and its highs and lows.

Weight: 336.1

Waist: 51.25

Hips: 56.75

Fat Girl Moment #9,382

I went to an absolutely BEAUTIFUL garden party tonight. Lovely, lovely, lovely in every sense of the word. It was such a sweet party, everyone in dresses and hats, gorgeous flowers surrounding us, a fountain trickling in the background. And the food, too gorgeous to be believed. Seven courses: two appetizers, soup, salad, double entree of steak and chicken, and creme brulee for dessert. 

It was a perfect, delectable evening. We were housed in a secret garden, fed on china by an extraordinary chef and dear friends surrounding each table. It was all nearly too beautiful to be believed. 

Unless you are the fat girl. 

I was caught up in the moment and the evening and the fun until I caught sight of our sweet and prettily decorated tables. With tiny white chairs. 

The kind of chairs made for dolls and munchkins and gorgeously arrayed women to sit on in elegant, outdoor dinner parties. The kind of chairs that snap in two when heaving under the weight of a fat girl. This fat girl. 

This fat girl who terrified took her place last at the table and sat gingerly on the edge of a chair that barely sustained her. This fat girl who tensed every muscle in her body hoping against hope that the chair would outlast her weight and that her leg muscles would survive the two-hour, seven-course meal. This fat girl who took every excuse to arise from said chair to give it a break. Who wandered the garden with a neighbor's baby to relieve her aching thigh muscles. Who wished against wish and hoped against hope that she wouldn't have to return to the little white chair that was ruining the magic of this lovely, lovely party. 

The chair survived. So did I. 

But I don't want to live the rest of my life fearing tiny white chairs at beautiful garden parties. Because either I will quit going to parties or I will have to have every such party's loveliness marred by my desperate attempts to keep my excessive poundage from eclipsing the joy of the evening. 

And that is not the life I want to be living. 

I'm sure the tiny white chair can appreciate my resolution. 

The Matter of Exercise

I went walking last night. The first time in several days or weeks. I had great plans for this summer to be full of walking. Well, maybe the fall will be full walking. Or at least some kind of exercise--weights, flexibility, cardio. Something.

What I do know is that in changing my lifestyle, one of the biggest benefits I am looking for is relief and healing from insulin resistance or metabolic syndrome and polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). I read a series of articles at womentowomen.com regarding metabolic syndrome, diabetes and PCOS. They all said what I believe--that diet and exercise greatly impact these diseases and that with the right diet and exercise we can be healed from these diseases. That is what I believe as well. I loved this quote from this article,

Nutrition — our food talks to our genes. If I had to pick the gold star in preventing diabetes, it would be food. What you eat can prevent and even control type 2 diabetes.

I believe that. That is why I'm doing what I'm doing. I'm trying to get back on the train eating right and exercising for my health. I want to lose weight but I don't want to be obsessed with how I look in the process. I don't want to be obsessed with the pounds. That is such an easy, easy trap for me to fall into and what it resulted in last time was an emotional explosion. The likes of which left debris raining down on my head for months and months and months.

Another great quote from the article about how certain types of food affect our blood sugar,

Insulin control is strongly affected by the glycemic index of the foods you eat. The glycemic index of a food is a measure for how quickly insulin rises in response to the amount of glucose entering your blood stream after you eat it. Foods high in
protein tend to have a lower glycemic index than carbohydrates. Simple carbs, like white flour and sugar, have a higher glycemic index than complex carbs like whole grains and fresh fruits. Simple carbs can overload your insulin receptors
and make insulin resistance more likely to develop.

That is one of the reasons I'm so strongly persuaded to try this allergy-free diet that I'm doing. It is not only an allergy-free diet, it is also a low-glycemic diet. I'm convinced that eating this way will help me overcome my own insulin resistance and PCOS.

I've already been doing the allergy thing now for two weeks. Granted not to perfection, but I've been doing it. Some of the benefits are: my skin has improved, I've lost about 8 pounds, I've lost 2-3 inches off my waist, and I have more energy. Granted yesterday was the 3rd day of my period and I was in a pretty deep funk that day as well as Monday. I feel like I kind of popped out of it last night though.

Like I said, I went for a walk last night. I had eaten some GREAT food and I went for a walk. That entire day and the day before I could barely move. It was so hard to get going, to feed myself, to imagine doing anything other than sitting. I think that is a byproduct of the depression that accompanies PCOS and that I always feel the first few days of my period. It is the time that I think I just can't go on. My life is devoid of purpose, meaning and joy. It is a terrible, empty, awful feeling.

But then tonight after great food and after walking, my body started to hum. I love that hum. It is the hum of good health. The hum of happiness. The hum of a body working and doing and being in a state of joy and bliss. 

That's why I'm on this journey. I want that sense of nirvana every day.