A New Bite: I Ate a Hamburger and Fries

I ate a hamburger and fries this week--a real, honest-to-goodness, I-went-through-the-drive-thru-and-ate-way-too-much kind of burger and fries. 

The allergy-diet met its first challenge on the wheat and dairy spectrum. And I have survived. 

But before we get to all of that let me just begin with I've been out of commission and in bed for most of a week. Yuck and super yuck. Now that I'm blogging again I feel like I'm back up and raring to go. I don't plan time for blogging, but I get a certain itch when I haven't been blogging for a few days. So, I'm back!

The eating while I was sick went like this: don't eat, too tired to eat, don't know what to make, I'm hungry, don't eat, too tired to eat, don't know what to make, I'm really hungry, too tired to eat, now I'm really hungry, don't know what to eat, don't want to take the effort to make something, and now I'm REALLY REALLY hungry, drink some water, eat a handful of almonds, now I'm officially so hungry my insides are melting together because of the heat of my hunger, eat some more almonds, then an apple, hunger abates, sleep some more, wow is it really 9PM at night? no wonder, I'm so hungry, don't eat, too tired to eat, don't know what to make, what food could I buy? nothing sounds good, plus I would have to drive, deciding hurts my brain, oh, yes, I'm so hungry now the paint starts to look appealing, what can I make? cut an onion, sautee in grapeseed oil, poach two eggs, drink some water, now onions and eggs, hmmm, so good, oh, my word, I'm eating an entire onion out of choice! I've turned into my Grandmother, I don't care at least I'm full, it feels so good to be full, what it is 11PM? I'm so tired, must sleep, belly full, life good, feeling better, food is good. 

Yes, that was how each day proceeded. I would sleep, wake up hungry, sleep some more, wake up again, try to sleep and then fight my hunger the rest of the day because I just didn't want to make anything. Finally, sometime in the evening I would throw together some food because I was just so famished. Most often it was eggs or apples or almonds or a turkey burger and fried onions. Seriously, am I my Grandmother? This woman used to wax poetic about the wonders of the onion. She ate onions as often as possible and usually raw. I spent most of my life completely bewildered by this adoration of such a lowly vegetable until last year when I discovered Vidalia onions or sweet onions. Oh. My. Goodness. So yummy, so sweet, and so tantalizing. 

After a week of sleeping and eating onions, I needed to get out. Literally. So, I decided on a run to the grocery store to restock the cupboards. 

My eating over the last week was not spectacular: very few greens, not a lot of fruit, no regular meals, but let's be real here. I wasn't consuming crackers and cookies and cheese fries and soda and potato chips. I was eating whole, real food. I was a little shocked when Thursday rolled around to realize that for a week of not wanting to cook, I was still eating at least decent food. 

I think that scared me. 

I've had such a deeply ingrained mentality about the morality of food--that's a "good" food and that's a "bad" food--that I've had to be very aware of that habit. It is a habit that leads me down the road of disordered eating and aligning my self-worth with the kind of food that I'm eating. Like "Since I only ate broccoli and carrots and chicken today, I'm a good girl." Or "I was so bad I ate TWO pieces of chocolate cake tonight." That is kind of disordered thinking that leads millions of American women to hate themselves and their bodies. For me, it leads me down a road of obsession and compulsion about "being good" and "eating perfectly."

This new way of eating--the allergy-free diet--has forced me out of that habit of thinking this way because what I'm thinking about now is "How will this food help my body?" or "Will this food hurt my body?" and then I watch closely for reactions to foods. 

So, to suddenly find myself staring at a week where I was not in top form and still eating decently made me wonder if my body was suddenly inhabited by aliens. Or if I had had a brain transplant. Or if the world was about to end. Because when I'm hungry, I eat. And when I'm emotionally unhappy, I eat. And when I'm not feeling well, I eat whatever I want because why make myself suffer? 

Which is why I freaked out. 

I had spent a whole week feeling miserable--emotionally and physically---and I had not even attempted to binge or gorge or somehow deal with my emotional fallout by eating. And I just didn't. I hadn't even considered it. I had just eaten what was on hand and all of it was real, whole food. 

So, I did my little freak out and decided it was time. Time to buy a burger and fries and be okay with it emotionally and see if my body could handle it allergy-wise. 

Don't ask me what my logic was here just know that it sounded good at the time. 

So, when I finally made it out of the house that weekend, I drove over to a local burger place and order a double cheeseburger with extra sauce and wild fries. 

And then I took a big fat bite. 

I'm not gonna lie. Those first few bites were great--the salty and the sweet and the hot burger and the cold pickle and the cheesy cheese. Yum. I savored each bite. 

But really as I was eating it, I was feeling some disappointment. It didn't seem to be as good as I remembered. It didn't seem to hit all the right notes for me. It seemed somehow to be sadly lacking. It wasn't unbelievably great. 

But I kept eating because come one, it was gooooood. 

Bite after bite and one mouthful to the next I enjoyed the hot, salty gooeyness of it. And then I just kept going, going, going. And I started to feel a bit fatigued, a tiny bit bloated and definitely overwhelmed. 

I was overwhelmed by the salt, the sugar, the chemically something of the food. It just suddenly all became too much for me. Too, too much. For all of that wanting and hunger and wishing, the food just didn't live up to all of my expectations. I could have made a better one. 

At least that was my first response. A tad prideful, a bit much, but I've become so accustomed to really, really good food lately that I realized as I was eating this chemical-laden, pre-packaged, warmed-over burger that I could have made a more tantalizing and likely healthier burger if I had just made it at home. 

And my only response to that is that the worst part of this allergy-free diet is I'm turning into a bit of a food snob. 

How Do I Feel After Three Months on Allergy-Free Diet?

Dr. Mark Hyman had a great entry on his UltraWellness blog from this past January that I have re-read several times and I've also sent to several friends and family members. Dr. Hyman is talking about healing our minds and our bodies in his post and I find so much of what he says to ring true for me. 

One of the biggest sticking points for me in staying away from certain foods is recognizing if those foods have actually affected me negatively. I mean that one of the troubles I've always had with food is that I generally felt a low-grade, constant kind of miserable. I was tired and moody and easily stressed and often in a brain fog. Life did not seem bright. I did not feel active or alert. I've always assumed that if I lost weight, those feelings would dissipate and I would become bright and happy and active. Yet, going off these foods the last few months has taught me that I can feel bright and happy and active even now at 300 pounds because I'm fueling my body properly. It amazes me right now how alert and attentive my brain has been the last several weeks. How much I'm able to process and do. How much more I actually want to do. 

That is why I loved the list of side effects that Dr. Hyman lists in this entry. 

• Feel more alert and focused
  
• Have more stable moods
  
• Enjoy a better memory
  
• Have more energy
  
• Enjoy the kind of restful sleep that will help you wake up more refreshed and able to face your day
  
• Improve your digestion
  
• Decrease chronic sinus problems
  
• Experience pain-free joints
  
• Eliminate headaches
  

And there are wonderful side effects. You will lose weight automatically and you may even see your sex drive improve. 

Let me just tell you what my experience has been with each of these items since I went off dairy, wheat, sugar, oats, corn as well as all food additives like high-fructose corn syrup, MSG, and any processed or packaged food. 

• Feel more alert and focused: Yes, I have felt much more alert and focused. Previous to this, especially in the last year, I've felt an intense amount of brain fog. I've had trouble making decisions and moving forward because I could not seem to sort through everything that was in my head. 
  
• Have more stable moods: Can I just say "Yes!" to this one? It is amazing to not have massive mood swings each day. To feel like I can count on myself. To be on top of things. I love it. I've had mood swings for years and to NOT have mood swings now makes me realize, "Oh, you can really live life like this?" Amazing.  
  
• Enjoy a better memory: Yes. No more brain fog. No more indecision. Access to all of my faculties. This is lovely. 
  
• Have more energy: In the past, my body would finally seem to wake up around 3 or 4PM each day. Recently, I've been sleeping less and waking up ready to dive into the day ahead with energy to spare it seems. I can't tell you if I have ever felt that way in my life. Most of my life has been spent wishing I could sleep the day away and barely able to drag myself out the door at any time of day. It was such a struggle just to do the basics each day. I call it "survival mode" where the fact that I'm breathing each day is accomplishment enough. Any thing else is simply extraneous action. This begins to cause a problem when things like eating, shopping, cleaning your house, going to work and paying bills seem like extras in life. These are the some of the stuff of life and not doing them each day can become extremely detrimental. My whole life would grind to a halt when I was in survival mode. Everything beyond breathing took enormous amounts of effort. ENORMOUS. I remember sitting in my chair one day overwhelmed with decisions that needed to be made and work that needed to be done and life that needed to be lived. In that moment, I felt that I could not do one more thing. I simply did not have the energy. All I wanted was for my life to be put on hold for a long, long time so I could try to recapture my energy. Even now, it is amazing to me that I have the energy to make decisions, clean my house, pay my bills and go to work. It feels miraculous that I can do those things consistently. 
  
• Enjoy the kind of restful sleep that will help you wake up more refreshed and able to face your day: Most of my life, I've wished that I could sleep 10 to 12 hours a day. If I could sleep that much then I felt halfway human. Do you realize how much 2 to 4 hours of extra sleep a day cuts in to your productivity? And if your productivity is hampered by brain fog, low energy and mood swings? Sometimes now just because I feel better I want to pat myself on the back for even surviving the last several years. No wonder I was so miserable! No wonder. 
  
• Improve your digestion: Yes. Yes. Yes. My stomach doesn't hurt. I don't feel lethargic and tired after eating. I actually feel clean inside--not bloated or heavy or anything. I love that feeling. 
  
• Decrease chronic sinus problems: I have had this little routine for years where every morning when I wake up it would take me a couple of hours to blow my nose and clear our my throat. I never really recognized before that this had to do with allergies. I love not having to do that routine each day. 
  
• Experience pain-free joints: Just generally my body doesn't ache like it used to. I'm not hurting. I'm not in pain. My body feels alive and brimming with energy. I want to go and do and move and see and experience. I love that feeling. 
  
• Eliminate headaches: I've never had a lot of headaches in my life, but I just enjoy feeling free of illness and full of vigor. I like that my head feels clear and good. I like that I'm not ingesting anything chemical or toxic that could give me headaches. 
• You will lose weight automatically: I'm still working on the weight loss thing but it suddenly doesn't feel so tremendous and overwhelming. Because I feel good and my body feels good, I imagine that as I keep eating and exercising the weight will come off. I'm not hungry all the time. I'm not thinking about food constantly. I really like food and I like cooking and I like sharing and feasting with others. It is just different. It is not an obsession. It doesn't hound me. It feels so much more balanced and healthy. Also, I've lost my stomach first as I've ben losing weight this time. That has been interesting. Always before it seemed like my stomach was the last to go and I seemed kind of stuffed. Now even at 300 pounds, I feel so much more bendable and flexible around my stomach because I don't feel like things are compacted inside me. It seems like there is room for everything to move around. 
• You may even see your sex drive improve: I call this one the attraction factor. This one has been the one that I least expected. I used to wonder if I was possibly asexual or something because even though I thought boys were cute or fun, most of the time, I don't notice them that way. Now it is like some light has been turned on in my brain. I'm noticing colors and smells and clothing and eyes. I'm interested in who is interesting. I'm aware. I really think that is the biggest thing. I'm just aware. And I'm really interested to see other people's reactions and hear their thoughts and interact. I'm really interested in interacting. It like some major light has been turned on in my brain. Like, why couldn't I have experienced this in puberty? 

Yes, let's just say that eating fresh, whole foods and staying away from all the junk and the food allergies has wrought this incredible change in my energy level and my brain. I LOVE IT. 

Stocking the Pantry

I watched an Oprah show once where Dr. Oz went into people's homes and checked out their pantries and fridges and cupboards and helped them to restock them with whole, real foods. He also suggested ways that they could improve their meals. Sometimes when I go shopping I like to wonder what Dr. Oz would think about what I'm bringing home to my pantry. I'd like to see what ways my daily diet can improve. 

One thing I've figured out since going on this allergy-free diet is that most of the time in my life I've relied on fast, convenient foods. If I bought crackers, they were the first thing I ate. If I bought bread it also was gone first. If I had chips or popcorn or any food like that, it was the first food I ate each day and every day. Then what was leftover was the rest of the veggies and some fruit. I would pick through that food until I could go to the store and buy my favorite convenience foods again. 

This allergy-free diet leaves very little room for convenience foods. I do occasionally buy rice cake (organic brown rice) but that and canned beans are the closest things that I have to convenience foods. Everything else has to be prepared in some way. I think that is part of the reason that I go back and forth between starving and eating. It takes time to prepare good food. It is an art that I'm gaining great insight into right now. 

Fortunately, I felt a bit inspired last night when I looked at my fridge and pantry and I'm excited for the possibilities. So, here are the raw materials that I'm using to come up with good food this week. 

mushrooms

asparagus
tomatoes
peppers
cucumbers

spinach 
salsa

onions

garlic

eggs

ground turkey

small roast chicken

chicken breasts

frozen wild salmon

almond butter

fruit jam

blackberries

blueberries

peaches

pineapple

apples

almond milk

coconut milk

chicken broth

black beans

pinto beans

brown rice and wild rice

red potatoes

yams

olive oil

grapeseed oil

almonds 

pecans

pinenuts

almond flour

coconut flour

Dagoba chocodrops

I wonder what Dr. Oz would have to say if he came to my house today? 

Day 73: The Clothes Don't Fit

I don't like to shop for clothes. In the past few years it has been particularly bad as I've grown out of the classic Lane Bryant-type shopping experience. That left me with one other store in town that sells mostly nasty clothes. I would make periodic forages into the store to pick up some clothes. This is what I call shopping desperation. The only time you shop is when you are desperate. You don't care about tailoring or color or even variety. You mostly just want something that fits that doesn't make you gag when you put it on. And as long as those clothes look clean and semi-presentable, you wear them to death. 

Truly. 

Why, you may ask? Because shopping for clothes makes you face the truth about your body, your issues, and this very big problem in your life that is not just going to go away because you repeatedly wish it will. Shopping sucks. You don't feel better afterwards, you realize just how badly you look, and you don't wish to repeat the experience again any time soon. 

Shopping usually brings on a serious bout of self-loathing. 

Which is why I prolong the distance between each shopping experience to unnecessary lengths. I can always find something else to buy before I'm going to buy clothes. Until the situation gets desperate like it is now. I have about five shirts to my name, a few pair of pants and some skirts. I've worn all of them repeatedly for months and months and months. I dislike most of what I wear. My best pair of pants never fit really well--the legs are too long and the pants too baggy--but I wear them all the time because they are the nicest ones I own. I have two nice shirts that I end up wearing every week as well as on alternating Sundays. 

So, in the past two months these pants and shirts and skirts have not only been worn far too much but also they've grown bigger and bigger and bigger. My favorite black skirt was too big when I bought it and it has gotten much worse the past two months. I ended up pinning the skirt with two large safety pins after it fell off me one day in my house as I was getting ready for church. I didn't want a repeat performance of that event. My pants are so big they make me uncomfortable and my favorite shirt is so large now that it keeps slipping off my shoulder and I'm continually adjusting myself. 

When everything you wear becomes uncomfortable because it is so large, you start to hate getting dressed each day. Which forces you to go out do and do your next least-favorite task: shopping. 

Really though, at least this time around I can contemplate the fact that hopefully the shopping experience will improve incrementally. They will fit better, I will look better, and I can tamp down on the self-loathing. 

At least that is what I'm hoping. 

Day 66: The State of Things

I've been doing a bit of review of the state of this health endeavor after my doctor's visit and after I received my test results and here is my review of how things are going and what I want to focus on next. 

Doing Well:

• Following the allergy-free diet: I had one moment about a week ago where I seriously contemplated chucking in the towel that night and eating a cheeseburger and fries. It would not have been the end of the world if I had done so, but I'm glad that I stayed with my emotions, addressed my hunger nutritionally and let myself have a bit of a freak out. So, still on the allergy-free diet and even emotionally okay after that tough night. 
• Cooking: I'm loving the cooking. Love, love, loving the cooking. It makes me happy to be in the kitchen, I've been making treats and meals and snacks and everything and I'm just enjoying food and its tastes and my own cooking. This little girl loves her some food. And it is good, healthy food too!
• Menu planning: For a majority of the last two months, I was on a six week menu plan that I created. Now, I didn't follow it to the letter but it was such a treat to have a meal planned for every night and have the food in my fridge to make it. I think that is part of the reason I enjoyed cooking so much too. I love the the six-week menu plan because I hate doing it every week. So, that is a habit I want to keep. 
• Weighing weekly or monthly: I'll admit that there has been a week or two that I was nearly weighing myself every day, but I recommitted to the notion to stay off the scale except on Saturdays. And I'm really planning on sticking to this one, except that last Saturday that I weighed, I had gained weight so I weighed myself again on Monday and had dropped 8 pounds. Yeah, water weight or something. So, there will definitely be such caveats but for the most part, I'm going to keep to my private weekly or biweekly weigh ins and then post my weight monthly. The goal being that I'm do not want to become OCD about the scale like I did in 2004-2005 when I was deep in diet mentality. So, the scale is not the source of my pleasure or my ever-present fixation. 

The improvements are things that I think will make a marked difference in my overall health the next few weeks. Also, I really want to get my HDL (good cholesterol) numbers up and I want to clear up this PCOS and the metabolic syndrome. Each of the steps below are ones that I think will help me make significant strides in that direction. 

The Improvements:

• Eat breakfast: This one has taken on a particular importance recently as I realize that when I eat breakfast, I usually eat lunch, and then dinner instead of starving myself for breakfast, not eating lunch and then packing in all my food intake within a two-hour window after I come home from work. I'm sure that this is not helping. I'm more irritated, more emotional and just generally more off. But eating breakfast takes work. So, I'm focused on work this month. 
• Exercise daily: I'm ticked because my HDL numbers didn't improve over the last two months and I know my eating has been wildly improved so I can only attribute that to my lack of exercise. So, another goal for the next month is to walk 6 days a week. Then I think the goal will be established. 
• Pack food the night before: If I can conquer eating breakfast, the next step is packing food for each day. I have had the most success at good health when I've packed food and snacks for work each day. Then I'm not starving and going searching for food at the bewitching hour of 3:30PM when I don't always make the best food choices. So, I will be more conscious of prepping, freezing, and then packing food for each work day. 
• Make a new 6 week menu plan: After my 6 week menu plan ran out, I didn't start it over again. And so I've defaulted again to trying to figure out what to cook each night and staring at the fridge for a while and generally snacking and munching rather than making an entire meal. So, I've got to get the menu plan back in rotation. 

And that is the state of things around here. Let's see where these improvements take me. 

Day 45: Am I Really Still Doing This?

So, I've been doing this for 45 days now. I'm a little amazed that it is still going on.


Two things I'm feeling: Stomach is thin and feeling small. Shocking really, how small it feels. I've never recalled feeling this thin this early and by that I mean--I've lost my tummy. I've lost my tummy in the sense that I can see my toes and that my breasts stick out further than the tummy.

Rather a shock coming from a girl whose chubby tummy has always preceeded the rest of her when entering a room.

The second thing I'm feeling is a bit stunned. After all this time, after all this effort, after all these years is this really it? Is this really how I reach the goal? Is this how I feel better? Is this really the secret to me feeling strong and healthy? Cutting out the dairy and the wheat? Watching the overall carbs? Eating frequently throughout the day? Enjoying the good fats? Drinking plenty of water? Feeling so good when I exercise? Is this really it?

Well, I bless the Thin Gods and their cohorts for a wee sign of progress. I've got many days ahead on this journey. I certainly feel more secure about that state of my health in those days to come. And it is a journey I think I just may relish.

Day 40 Progress

Well, it's been nearly 6 weeks that I've been on this diet. How's it going? Hmmmm, pretty well. There are up days and there are down days. Sometimes more of one than the other. 

In my regular life there are always more down days. There have been more down days in my life since . . . oh, the dawn of time shall we say? In this version of my life, there are still down days. Yes, still down days. But overall? Overall, up days. Yes, up days. What do you do with up days when you have them  nearly all the time? 

I don't know, I've never experienced this many up days in a row. Ever.

I'm more productive than I've ever been. I feel like a robot has been created. One who can accomplish things and do her dishes every day. One who cleans her car, makes her bed, and actually showers each and every day. One who keeps up. 

It's making me a little scared. 

What kind of person actually makes her bed every day? 

Somebody who is not "normal" in my life. 

Day 38: Feeling the Effects

My feet feel thin today. 

I know that's a rather funny thing to say, but when you've been chubby most of your life and you wake up one morning to thin feet--well, you just thank the Thin Gods and be grateful for small gifts.  

I know even these small gifts are the result of the allergy-free diet and that makes me thrilled. Thrilled for the changes big and small I've been feeling and thrilled about the changes that I hope to see occur in the future. 

I guess you could say life is taking on a bit of a sparkle lately. 

Other thin affects that I've noticed recently? 

• thinner face
• hands less bloated
• stomach less bloated

Yes, to have my tummy start to disappear this early in the game is like a gigantic French kiss from the Thin Gods. My tummy has never departed so early and with so little fanfare before. It is like it is slinking away because it is aware of the ultimate defeat. 

Of course, I still weigh in the 300s. Yes. But even a chubby girl can get excited to see her toes each morning in the shower without having to bend at a 90 degree angle just to wish them good morning. 

Yes, the bottom half of my body suddenly seems like an old friend who has recently returned and wants to get hitched. And I'm ready to say "I DO." 

Day 28 Progress: Cooling the Fire

Things have been going well on the allergy-free diet. I'm learning to refine what I'm eating and when I'm eating it. 

The last week was difficult with my really bad cold and the fact that I wasn't doing much cooking so I was surviving on whatever I could scrounge up. It was all on plan food, but I noticed that I wouldn't eat for nearly 24 hours and then when I would eat I would need to eat ASAP because I was starving. 

The last few days I've been feeling a bit smug about this whole allergy-free thing too. Smugness is always a red alert for me. Anytime I start thinking that I'm doing pretty darn well on any plan is almost a sure bet for rough waters ahead. 

One thing has been going well though that I never expected. My response to some foods. I made candy bars last night. They are a recipe from one of my favorite food bloggers, Elana. I promised my sister I would make the candy bars on our cabin trip a week ago but it didn't happen when I got sick. So, I made them on Sunday after our family dinner. 

The first time I made the recipe several weeks ago, I was still a bit hesitant about my oven and I burned the pecans. While the candy still turned out good, the burnt pecan flavor was a bit overwhelming at times. This time, I watched the pecans much more closely and in the end . . . well, let's just say they were perfect. 

With the freezing time it takes about two hours to make these. As soon as I pulled them out of the freezer the second time, I had my mom try them. Then I rushed over to my sister's house and we dissected these treats together. Conclusions: They actually taste better the next day! The intensity of the chocolate seems to lower a bit and I actually liked them better the next day. Also, the pecan and almond butter mixture is yummy. I felt like an incredible cook because these are the kinds of treats that I would usually visit a chocolatier store to buy. And I made them in my own home. 

Really the best part for me though was I only ate a couple of these. And not because I was "limiting myself" or because I was "on a diet" but because after two or three I was completely satisfied. Which is a statement that hardly ever comes out of my mouth so it seems like an accomplishment in the extreme to me. 

Usually my experience is just the opposite. I can eat and eat and eat a particular food and never feel fully satiated. Some foods seem to light a fire in me. That fire says "More, more, more, more." So, I eat more. Then the flames are fanned higher and higher and burn with greater heat and the fire says "More! More! More!" so I continue eating and eating trying to satiate myself until the fire burns with such great intensity that I become a writhing mass of "MORE!" and that word seems to scream from every pore in my body. 

You don't believe me? I remember one particular day driving up to a fast food restaurant to order something off the menu. As I was ordering the food, in the back of my mind, I was contemplating the two other fast food places close by that I was going to stop at next to order more food. I suddenly stopped myself and realized that I was contemplating eating food from three restaurants for one meal and I could still think of a million more food items that I wanted to eat and needed to eat and couldn't wait to eat. In that moment it seemed that there was not enough time left in my life to eat all the food I could contemplate eating. 

I'm sorry, not enough time???? I knew that something was wrong in that moment. When my life becomes an obsessive hunt for more food then I am either truly experiencing starvation or something is messed up in my body. 

Something was messed up in my body. That feeling of fire, of never-ending fire is the way I experience metabolic syndrome. That fire is what tells me that something has to change because it is a desperate and terrible place to live to be constantly eating and never fully satisfied. 

I remember when I was in junior high and high school and my mom and I would talk about weight and weight loss and she would share with me her idea of "You just need to talk to yourself. Tell yourself your only going to have a little bit of that this time. You are not going to eat all of it. Tell yourself you are really full even if you are still hungry." That seemed like utter nonsense to me when my mother said that because I had never been able to have a rational discussion with my hunger. Ever. I remember telling my mom then that it wouldn't work because "I was always hungry." I'm not sure she believed me when I told her that. Always hungry? Who is always hungry? And why? And isn't someone who is always hungry really just using that as an excuse to pig out? 

But I was always hungry. 

The first time that statement was ever explained to me though was when I was reading a Zone Diet book by Dr. Barry Sears. He talked about insulin and how eating a carbohydrate-rich diet (breads, pastas, rice, cookies, crackers, etc) can cause a high-insulin reaction which eventually makes you hungrier and hungrier. There in black and white I finally heard for the first time why I was "always hungry" and why my body never seemed to be satiated. 

That's why when I eat something like Elana's candy bars and I feel satiated after two of them I know that something right is happening with my body. And I'm finally beginning to unlock the secrets to good health. 

Week 1: Progress on the Allergy-Free Diet

The allergy-free diet has been going strong for a week now. While I'm pleased as punch about this week, I'm even more interested to see how week 18, 19 and 20 develop simply because I'd like to have jumped all the hurdles I'm going to have to jump to actually arrive at those weeks. In other words, mama wants to know if she can make it that long.

It has by no means been a obstacle-free week. For example:

• opened and used a can of black beans and then looked a the label only to discover that it contained sugar. I like to think I'm a pretty consistent label reader but this one caught me totally off guard. Why is sugar added to beans? 
  
• foraging after a party at the parents' house this weekend and took a big old bite of flank steak only to realize within seconds that it had been marinated in soy sauce (contains wheat); that didn't stop me from taking 3 or 4 more bites; it took me that long to wrestle myself away from it. 
  
• could not eat my smoked paprika chicken without what I call special sauce (mayo, ketchup, dijon mustard) and said a fond farewell to ketchup as a part of that mix; know that I will be experimenting with making my own ketchup just so I can keep making the special sauce.
  

Thank goodness in all of this for Elana over at elanaspantry.com. She's been keeping me sane. She's also been keeping me cooking. In the last few days, I've made her chocolate chip cookies, her almond butter blondies, her cod piccata, and her smoked paprika almonds. All were yummy, but the smoked paprika almonds were fragrant and smoky and hot. I tested them out on Meg's clan and got rave reviews.

I modified the recipe a bit because I'm not a spicy hot fan. You should know though that any recipe that starts with fresh garlic and smoked paprika is going good places.

Smoked Paprika Almonds
from Elana at elanaspantry.com

2 tablespoons olive oil
2 cloves garlic
3 cups raw almonds
2 teaspoons smoked paprika
1 teaspoon celtic sea salt

1. Heat the olive oil in a large skillet over medium heat
2. Add garlic to the skillet and saute for 3-5 minutes, until the garlic is almost brown
3. Add smoked paprika and salt and stir to make a paste
4. Add the almonds and stir constantly until they are thoroughly coated
5. Continue toasting almonds in the skillet until they are fragrant, about 5 minutes
6. Remove from heat and allow the nuts to cool in the pan
7. Serve

They actually made me think of popcorn too. There was this delicious, toasty smell wafting through my house the rest of the night and I ate more almonds than should likely be consumed in one four-hour period.

Easy, fast and you may not be able to stop at just one!

Day Six: Starvation and Refeeding

I read this awesome post today that is exactly in line with the concept of intuitive eating. 

Today I starved. It has been a busy week with long nights and I've been trying not only to do this allergy-free diet but also to exercise every day. And I'm in school. And work has been very stressful. So every area of my life this week was calling out for attention. Financially it was hard as well. I finally got the money I needed in the middle of the week, but by then I was deep in the depths of my week and didn't have time to do menu planning or serious grocery shopping. I existed throughout the week eating smidgens of things here and there but without getting out the cutting board and firing up the oven and really getting some good food going in my life. 

It all came to a head this morning. I left the house late without packing any food--a sure sign of things going wrong for me that day. Whenever this happens, I usually starve and starve and starve all day long until I hit the 3PM bewitching hour when the only thing I can think about is: FOOD. Glorious, beautiful food. And all I do is think about food until I get some. Usually this means the vending machines, a fast food run, or the a jaunt over to the bookstore. Anything to get my blood sugar up and to get me feeling better. Or at least less hungry. 

Today, I simply had to go home and make some food. I couldn't run to a fast food place. There was nothing that I could pick up really quickly to feed myself. I had to go home and make food. And it took time. And I was so hungry. But if I'm ever going to truly do this allergy-free thing, I have to take care of my body and do the things it keeps asking me to do. So, I'm doing those things. 

I guess part of this changing process is learning not only that starvation is detrimental to me emotionally and physically, but also that it takes time to feed yourself. Whether you wait until 3PM to acknowledge that fact or not. 

The Day the Diet Died

After three weeks and lots of hard work, the second (or is it third or fourth?) attempt at the allergy-free diet just died an ignominious death at the hands of carbohydrates. And dairy. And chocolate. And anything else I've been craving.

It was sad ending to the most progress I've made in that direction so far.  

Let the pity party begin and the eating subside and then let's get the hard work going again. 

Please. 

Discouragement, Despair and Depression Visit Me

Today was the kind of day that I wished I could wake up and be SOMEONE ELSE. Anyone else. Someone who didn't have my life or my problems or my gaping, gigantic weaknesses. "Get me out of this life" was the thought that predominated. I didn't want to clean my house, go to work, take a shower, make my bed, or do any of the number of things that need to be done around here.

And I wanted food.

Different food. More food. Other food. Just not my food. Not anything that I had on hand.

I was late to work as usual and made myself a couple of eggs before I left. Ate them with nothing on them--that's how uninspired I was.

Then I took the time to make some coconut macaroons too. Just because I wanted a treat.

My brain was on low control today. I could not get focused. I could not produce. I could not organize. I just was a mess from the get go this morning.

That isn't to say that is how the day ended though.

I went to work and did a few things and then I started obsessing about food. Food. What I could eat. What I could not eat. What I wanted to eat. What would I ever be able to eat? And I wanted yummy, messy, delicious food. Something like nachos with loads of cheese and guacamole and sour cream and tomatoes. Or steak and bbq chicken wings. Or Thai chili chicken with messy noodles.

Something, anything different. And I wanted CHOCOLATE CAKE.

So, I called my favorite steak place and was going to order bbq chicken wings and steak tips when I suddenly realized that I had all the makings for a far better bbq sauce at home and I could make a steak just as great as anyone else can if I just bought a steak and tried it out.

But I didn't buy a steak.

On the way home, I started daydreaming about what else I could make at my house. I had cashew milk and fruit--instant smoothie. I had all the ingredients for Asian chili chicken which looked like it could be a real winner. I could make my favorite bbq sauce and grill up some chicken with it. And for a super-fast dish, I could mash up some albacore tuna with my canola mayo, and put on top of spinach, add some toasted almonds and bury it in that fabulous Green Goddess dressing I made on Sunday.

So, I drove home. Made a peach and raspberry cashew milk smoothie. Then tuna spinach salad.

And I sit here: fat, sassy, and full.

And unwilling to believe that how my day began is the way it has to end.

Laboring Over Food Choices

The downward spiral continues in my life. I could not for the life of me organize myself this morning to get anything accomplished. I tried. I wanted to get so much accomplished. I had so many plans. It was just one of those days where time passes so quickly and it is suddenly 1:00 pm and I've been in the same position for the last 6 hours and unwilling to believe that my life will ever get better than this.

It is called "depression." And it hits me particularly hard the first few days of my cycle. Or my wildly inaccurate cycle. The one that has been giving me fits and starts for a long time. Suffice it to say that when Aunt Flo comes for a visit, I'm turn into the dark. I can't believe in these moments that my life will ever improve. That I will ever hope again. That beauty and functionality will return to my life.

Fortunately, I've suffered from these same feelings long enough that I know that they will pass. That I will come out on the other side of them. That whatever truths these feelings have to teach me will be heard. They must be heard. Because I am not allowed out of the clutches of these feelings until I begin to hear them.

I know I need to get back on my fish oil and Vitamin D pills again. Especially when I am feeling this bad.

So, I did try to celebrate the holiday today. The family gathered for a light supper and movie night. We usually go swimming at the pool and have a barbecue but the weather was pretty horrific with a steady downpour and then chilly air after that. So the movie night worked out well.

But the food did not. I took a veggie platter. I even made hummus. But I knew most people wouldn't like it so I bought some organic sour cream and an organic ranch dip and made that as well. Lots of the veggies were eaten. Many of them by me. I poked my way into the sour cream dip as well (even though no dairy is allowed). I was struggling big time with the food thing. So, I ate a handful of potato chips. Then a bunch of rice crackers. Then some 7-layer Mexican dip. All of it good. None of it what I needed.

When I went home later that night I had a familiar feeling in my stomach. I felt kind of bloated. Large. Uncomfortable. My stomach hurt. But I think it is a feeling I'm so very, very used to that it was familiar. And sometimes familiar seems better than the other choice.

The other choice right now for me involves being HUNGRY. Not that I haven't bought enough food in the last five days. (Around $200 worth of food). It just seems that I have to work extra hard to make sure that this food hits all the right notes on the hunger train. And that takes time. Takes cooking. Takes planning.

None of it was what I wanted to be preoccupied with at the moment.

Eating this way, it is very, very hard to eat out. Salads are about the only thing I can eat and most of them have some kind of seasoning, preservative, or sugar either on the protein or the dressing. I can barely eat at family dinner on Sunday. Not that I want anyone making anything special for me. But I do have to make special things for myself.

I made the salad yesterday for Sunday dinner. I wanted to make it because I wanted there to be at least ONE food I could eat at Sunday dinner. And I wanted it to be a killer food. So, I filled a huge platter with romaine lettuce and I added hard-boiled eggs, crumbled bacon (nitrate-free), toasted almond slices, tomatoes and cucumbers. Then I doused it in Green Goddess dressing--made with olive oil, avocados, lemon juice, etc. It was SO GOOD. I think I might have been able to polish off the entire platter myself. Several other people liked the salad too though. Which made me very, very happy.

So, success one day and failure the next. I'm two weeks into this allergy-free diet now and I still haven't got it all down pat. I can see it is going to take time and planning. Much much more of that.

I'm learning. Slowly but surely I'm learning

This is not about deprivation. This is a short-term experiment. When the experiment is over, I will decide what foods I will include again in my diet and how often. This is certainly not about lifelong deprivation either. I have to keep reminding myself about that.

Or I just might go a bit cuckooo!

Small Changes at the Beginning

So, I've been on this allergy-free diet for about a week now. And as previously acknowledged I have not been perfect. Never let me give off the impression that I'm striving for perfection. It is a nasty, nasty habit and I'm want to be rid of it.

So, even though I've made nearly daily mistakes, I have noticed some hints of progress.

My cheeks are less flushed
I've always had rosy cheeks. Or really embarrassingly RED cheeks. I also have a red spot on my double chin for as long as I can remember. Some people think that rosy cheeks are healthy-looking. I have my doubts. When I lived in Pennsylvania, I knew a woman who suffered from rosacea. She was also overweight. I wondered even back then if red cheeks could actually be connected to a reaction in diet. I've also noticed a few little kids who get unnaturally flushed when they are outside too long. I've wondered if that had a connection to what they were eating as well. Let's just say that I see it as a positive sign when my cheeks are less flushed. Could flushed cheeks be an allergic reaction? Could they be a reaction either a high-glycemic diet?

Reduction in double chin
Okay, no one else will be able to tell by just looking at me, but I can tell. When you carry significant chub around your neck that restricts your windpipe and impacts how you turn your head, you too will notice when that restriction clears a bit and you are able to turn your head a few degrees more. I love it.

No more tissue brigade in the morning
I stage kleenex boxes near every major spot in my house: kitchen table, kitchen counter, reading chair, couch, desk, bedroom, bathroom. I go through kleenex like it is going out of style. I always am clearing my throat or my nose. Well, not this week. At least not as much. I've had clear nasal passages and a clear throat. It has been simply lovely.

Tummy touched my backbone
When I was trying to fall asleep last night and I was sooooooo hungry, I actually felt that my stomach was touching my backbone. That is how empty it felt down there. Now, I know this wasn't the case, but I'm not sure I've been that empty down there since 1995. At least it was a feeling I had forgotten.

My lower tummy chub is reduced
I really don't want to gross out those of you who never deal with the daily factors of serious chub, but I have what I call an upper and lower tummy. There is an indention around my tummy where my waist is--at belly button level. I pook out above my belly button and below it. The lower section is my lower tummy chub. It is always the largest, roundest part on my body. It is also the first part of my body to show any changes. Well, the lower tummy chub has decreased in size. Not so much of it. It doesn't pull on my back as much. I look a fraction of a hair smaller too. It feels better.

Late Night Eating and My Allergy-Free Diet

This allergy diet thing is going to be quite the experience. I've been doing it for a week now. Granted I'm NOWHERE near perfect at this. I've eaten tortilla chips, cheese, sour cream, cheese, popcorn, corn on the cob, watermelon, cheese. I've got a lot to learn.

Today I had great plans of being prepared before I went to family dinner. Yeah, so that didn't happen so much. Not so much. I came home with the four kiddie winks (Noah, Gaby, Jamie Beth, Dallin) and made them popcorn and let them try the candy bars I made the other day. The popcorn was fine--the candy bars . . . not so much.

In the meantime, I srambled a couple of eggs for myself and adorned them with the raw tomato sauce I made the other day. I needed the protein desperately. I had eaten only my candy bars early that day. (They are from Elana's Pantry and are made out of pecans, almond butter, agave nectar and Dagoba chocolate--yummy!)

So, I was hungry when I went to dinner. I had some of the salad even though I'm sure the dressing had some sugar in it. I had the roast beef even though I knew it had been prepped with a little flour. I had watermelon even though it is high on the glycemic index, and I had corn on the cob even though I'm not sure I can have it or not.

Not a stellar day as far as the allergy-free diet goes.

Now a rocking day when it comes to eating whole, good foods. Don't get me wrong. It wasn't like I was pigging out on Dr. Pepper and deep fried dough balls.

It was progress.

So, I stayed at Mom's house and watched Dan in Real Life. I had seen it before but it depressed me the first time. This time I laughed. I sat there thinking how hungry I was through most of it. I just wanted food. Finally, I went in the storage room and dug deeply into the cashew container.

And then I came home and put myself to bed. And couldn't sleep and couldn't sleep and couldn't sleep. So, I got up, got online and realized that the gnawing pit in my stomach wasn't going to magically disappear.

The food options are a bit limited at the moment--let's say NO CASH in my account. So, I began with an apple. That merely made the yawing yawp of my hunger intensify. So, I cracked open a can of wild salmon and mixed it with my canola mayo. YUMMMY!!!! That in and of itself tells you I was in desperate need of some good food.

Then I heated up a can of black beans, smashed them really good, and mixed them with my raw tomato sauce. Not a particularly tasty dish, but oh-so-filling. I had to do a deep down hum when I consumed a bowl of this. My whole body relaxed as well. Finally, some food that my body could comprehend and utilize.

And here I sit full and tired.

I'm going to bed.

Work-Day Eating Patterns

I think today is a pretty good example of the typical work day eating patterns I have fallen into and now want to expunge from my life.

I left for work late. I was hungry. I had eaten a peach before I left. I knew that my best bet to get food before I got to work was to purchase something. So, I stopped at a bakery and ordered a sausage, egg, cheese breakfast sandwich without the croissant. Ate that. Even though I'm not supposed to be eating cheese.

Late morning: I'm hungry. I want something. Like more eggs and sausage. Something filling and hot. Nothing comes to mind so I reach for some candy on a co-worker's desk. Then I eat some more.

Noon: I'm officially hungry. I want hot food. I want good food. I want food I don't have to cook because I'm so hungry. I also am out of money entirely for another week so I can't afford to buy food. There is very little at home for me to eat too. So, I put off making a decision.

1:30PM: I really should eat by now. I'm getting very, very hungry. My body needs food. I eat an apple.

2:55PM: I'm getting a bit insane with hunger. 3:00PM is my bewitching hour. Most of the time I won't eat breakfast or much lunch and then it all comes to a ahead at 3:00 PM when I must eat or I will die. I decide to spend money for lunch.

3:00PM I don't want to drive off campus or go home and contemplate the emptiness of my fridge. Nothing sounds good. When you are supposed to stay away from wheat, grains, potatoes, rice, sugar, dairy, citrus, peanuts, MSG and preservative mix, then your choices in the common every-day world begin to look a bit slimmer. I decide on salad.

3:20PM Good salad. Spinach and spring lettuce mix. Bacon bits, eggs, grilled chicken, mushrooms, red onion, tomatoes. Thousand Island Dressing (I know I've crossed several lines with this choice but it seemed better than the sugar-laden other choices). I consume the salad in seconds. Wish I had another.

3:45PM Eat another apple. Dream about what I'm going to make for dinner that night. (Grilled chicken or ground turkey, black beans, yummy salsa, lots of guacamole). Steam some zucchini, yellow squash and onions. Slather with olive oil and salt.

3:46PM Try to figure out what I can subsist on for the next week: chicken, eggs, turkey, garden veggies, apples, etc.

6:00PM The last of the candy in my office. Yuck.

7:30PM Finally leave work and head home. I stop at my parents' home and find no one there. I'm starving. I don't know what I will make at home, so I decide to make something there. I fry a couple of eggs and add what turns out to be some past-its-prime homemade salsa. That and 2 slices of Havarti cheese at least stave off the hunger pains for now.

Can't remember what I ate the rest of the day. (That would be because I'm updating this three days later). What you see above though is very typical of my pattern of randomness when it comes to the food I eat. A little too random.

If this allergy-free diet is going to work, I've got to stay on top of my game. The only question is, how do I do that?