Spotting the Cravings

Yesterday was Sunday dinner with the family. It was a good day and I was feeling good. In fact, as the day was winding down and I was getting ready to go home, I remember thinking "Wow, I feel good today. I haven't had the usual cravings that I experience when I am around a bunch of food that I can't eat and watching other people enjoy that food." 

I think that thought came too soon. At least I should have paid attention to it. 

One thing I have figured out about myself and cravings is that the moment I start to believe I have it all figured out is the exact moment that I'm headed off on another binge or crave indulgence. It's like I'm moving along quietly just doing my thing and trying to improve my life and all of a sudden a thought occurs to me like "Wow, I'm doing really well with holding off the cravings lately. That is awesome." 

That is the moment that all trouble breaks loose. 

The minute I become conscious of doing well with cravings or fighting off binges--that is the exact moment I become most vulnerable to them. 

It has taken a long and storied career of experience for me to figure this out. The exact moment I become proud of myself is the exact moment I am set up to take a nosedive. 

So, imagine after dinner on Sunday when I suddenly became conscious of my perceived "success" dealing with cravings that day is the exact moment I should have been on the lookout for a craving to hit me full force. 

I happened to be near the extra fridge in the house looking for something. When I opened the fridge I saw my mom's stash of juice in there. She buys the Dole juices like Pineapple Orange and Orange Peach Mango and I love them. 

But I'm supposed to stay away from oranges. For some reason I'm still having some food sensitivities with oranges and I knew this. But sometimes I like to flirt with the edge and that day I was in a flirting mood because come on! I was strong! I'd been doing such a great job with my cravings that day. I had been such a good girl. I deserved a treat. I deserved a little reward for staying away from all that other food on the table that day. Just a little swig of juice wasn't going to put me over the edge--even if it contained orange juice. 

So, I took a swig. And then another. And then a slight nip of the Orange Peach Mango juice as well. Just a taste. Just a slight indiscretion. Just a momentary flirtation with the food sensitivity line. 

And within minutes I was roaring with cravings. 

Shortly after my little indulgence, I began thinking of chocolate and cookies and candy and potato chips. Anything and everything. And the reality was that I wasn't even hungry! I was full from a great meal! Yet, that little nip of juice had incited a small riot in my body. One that I spent the rest of the night battling back from. Not because Pineapple Orange juice is bad--or really even chocolate cake or cookies--but because for some reason my body reacts so strongly to certain foods that it whacks out my whole emotional/biological system and one way I've begun to recognize those trigger foods is by the intense and overwhelming cravings that appear shortly after the consumption of said trigger food. 

It's like I'm finally starting to unlock the key to managing this whole genetic soup that I've been occupying for thirty years. 

All I can say is: Thank goodness. 

Drank orange pineapple juice and what it did for me. 

Cravings: Do They Really Go Away?

I was coming home last night late and I was hungry. I had not stayed up on my eating particularly well that day and I knew I really should eat something when I got home. I had eaten lunch late too--at 5:00PM. So, I was appropriately hungry now at 9:30PM at night. 

My 5PM lunch had been a spinach salad with ground turkey, tomatoes, sliced almonds and some dairy-free ranch dressing I had made a few days before. It was a yummy salad. So as I was headed home and hungry, I was wondering what I could eat. And nothing sounded good. It seemed like a lot of work to cook the food. I was tired. It was late. What if I just went to bed without eating? I could eat tomorrow.

Excuse me? I could eat tomorrow?

What alien was inhabiting my body? I've wished most of my life that I could switch bodies with someone, anyone really, who didn't have my issues and who looked good on the outside no matter how messed up she was on the inside. I was willing to trade all of my external and internal dysfunction for her infinitely greater internal dysfunction as long as I could look gooooood in the process. Mostly, I wondered what it could possibly be like to live in a body where you could decide casually one evening that despite being hungry you didn't want to eat so you would wait until tomorrow. 

That woman had heard my particular cry and she must be inhabiting my body now because eating has never been a take-or-leave-it business for me. I've always taken it. Food is good. Food is necessary. Food is life blood. Food must be eaten. 

Yet, here I was casually contemplating not eating that night because it was too much trouble? I really must be living in an alternate universe. That or living out a very vivid nocturnal dream. 

Pinch. Owwwww!

Nope. This is me. Very much awake and alive. Not dreaming, yet contemplating not eating as if it was possibly something I could do without for the next ten hours. Something is very, very wrong with this picture. 

Or possibly, I was for the first time in recent memory living in a body that could progress through one day without consuming every calorically viable food substance within a 30 meter range of my presence. A truly life-changing miracle. 

For one day. One day, folks, I have walked this earth and not felt that constant, never-ending presence of hunger and need and lack of satiation. For one day, I could join the ranks of those who are not mindlessly hunting food with each and every breath they take. For one day, I didn't have to beat back cravings with blood and sweat and tears. For one day. 

What a day it was. 

Day 29: The Fire Came Back

Today the fire was burning inside my body. Today I was hungry the entire day. The whole day. Today I thought about food nonstop. 

It was one of the days. 

I was hungry for everything but nothing looked good. I wanted to eat everything but nothing in my own house. I couldn't think of anything interesting to make and nothing sounded good. What I wanted today was just to eat and eat anything I wanted. Today, the allergy-free diet almost went down the tubes. 

I craved burgers and fries with tangy fry sauce. I wanted candy. I wanted nachos with cheesy cheese and extra guacamole. I wanted homemade bread slathered in butter and jam. I want creamy soups. I wanted anything and everything but what was good for me. 

I seriously contemplated breaking the challenge. 

Of course, I didn't help myself. I was feeling petulant and unmotivated so I didn't make breakfast. I took some turkey, apples, and nuts to work and ate all of those but wanted more. I wouldn't go home and cook for myself but I wanted food. 

Mostly, I didn't want to make any food but I wanted yummy, delectable food served to me. 

I didn't want to think about preservatives, MSG, dairy, gluten, wheat, corn, sugar or ANY of the things that I'm not eating right now in an attempt to improve my health. 

I wanted to eat the way I used to eat. 

When I left work late, I drove by Carl's Jr. and picked up a low-carb burger (meat patty, onions, tomatoes, lettuce) and ate that. (Note to self: If I ever do that again remember to ask for "no condiments." I'm sure that the mayo, mustard and ketchup on it were not legal.)

It certainly helped me to manage the hunger somewhat. Then I ate some rice cakes and grapes at my sister's house. Then I ate some leftover flank steak and roasted cashews at my parent's house. All in an attempt to assuage the hunger inside of me. 

In the car on the way home after eating my low-carb burger, I was feeling particularly down and defeated if I would ever get to eat anything good again in my life. And that was the thought that sent me the red alert. If I was growing despondent about what I could and couldn't eat then something more was going on here. My emotions were riding a bit of a tidal wave. And if my eating was pretty much under control and I'd been feeling pretty well emotionally the few days before this day, then I started to wonder if all of this emotion could be the result of other hormonal issues in my life like PMS. 

And wouldn't you know it, Aunt Flo showed up the very next day. 

I don't like to blame my emotions or my mood on my cycle, but I do like to be aware of my emotional makeup around that cycle. And here are some pretty typical emotions and feelings for me:

• one day where I feel particularly strong and impenetrable. I barely feel hunger which always leads me to believe that I finally have figured out the eating thing in my life and I generally just feel alert and strong and invincible
• another day that is usually premenstrual or the first day of my cycle where I'm either weepy and clingy and my emotions are very close to the surface or I'm just ANGRY. Very angry. Ticked off to the extreme by everything and everyone. And usually ravenously, ravenously hungry. And hopeless and depressed and overwhelmed. 

If I know those days are happening then I don't come to drastic conclusions on those days or assume that my life is over and that I will never change and that the world is a horrible, horrible place. If I can be aware of the emotional turmoil I get thrown into then it doesn't wear me out as much and I'm able to ride it out more easily. 

And that was Day 29 for me. All I can say is: I'm glad it is over. 

Day 28 Progress: Cooling the Fire

Things have been going well on the allergy-free diet. I'm learning to refine what I'm eating and when I'm eating it. 

The last week was difficult with my really bad cold and the fact that I wasn't doing much cooking so I was surviving on whatever I could scrounge up. It was all on plan food, but I noticed that I wouldn't eat for nearly 24 hours and then when I would eat I would need to eat ASAP because I was starving. 

The last few days I've been feeling a bit smug about this whole allergy-free thing too. Smugness is always a red alert for me. Anytime I start thinking that I'm doing pretty darn well on any plan is almost a sure bet for rough waters ahead. 

One thing has been going well though that I never expected. My response to some foods. I made candy bars last night. They are a recipe from one of my favorite food bloggers, Elana. I promised my sister I would make the candy bars on our cabin trip a week ago but it didn't happen when I got sick. So, I made them on Sunday after our family dinner. 

The first time I made the recipe several weeks ago, I was still a bit hesitant about my oven and I burned the pecans. While the candy still turned out good, the burnt pecan flavor was a bit overwhelming at times. This time, I watched the pecans much more closely and in the end . . . well, let's just say they were perfect. 

With the freezing time it takes about two hours to make these. As soon as I pulled them out of the freezer the second time, I had my mom try them. Then I rushed over to my sister's house and we dissected these treats together. Conclusions: They actually taste better the next day! The intensity of the chocolate seems to lower a bit and I actually liked them better the next day. Also, the pecan and almond butter mixture is yummy. I felt like an incredible cook because these are the kinds of treats that I would usually visit a chocolatier store to buy. And I made them in my own home. 

Really the best part for me though was I only ate a couple of these. And not because I was "limiting myself" or because I was "on a diet" but because after two or three I was completely satisfied. Which is a statement that hardly ever comes out of my mouth so it seems like an accomplishment in the extreme to me. 

Usually my experience is just the opposite. I can eat and eat and eat a particular food and never feel fully satiated. Some foods seem to light a fire in me. That fire says "More, more, more, more." So, I eat more. Then the flames are fanned higher and higher and burn with greater heat and the fire says "More! More! More!" so I continue eating and eating trying to satiate myself until the fire burns with such great intensity that I become a writhing mass of "MORE!" and that word seems to scream from every pore in my body. 

You don't believe me? I remember one particular day driving up to a fast food restaurant to order something off the menu. As I was ordering the food, in the back of my mind, I was contemplating the two other fast food places close by that I was going to stop at next to order more food. I suddenly stopped myself and realized that I was contemplating eating food from three restaurants for one meal and I could still think of a million more food items that I wanted to eat and needed to eat and couldn't wait to eat. In that moment it seemed that there was not enough time left in my life to eat all the food I could contemplate eating. 

I'm sorry, not enough time???? I knew that something was wrong in that moment. When my life becomes an obsessive hunt for more food then I am either truly experiencing starvation or something is messed up in my body. 

Something was messed up in my body. That feeling of fire, of never-ending fire is the way I experience metabolic syndrome. That fire is what tells me that something has to change because it is a desperate and terrible place to live to be constantly eating and never fully satisfied. 

I remember when I was in junior high and high school and my mom and I would talk about weight and weight loss and she would share with me her idea of "You just need to talk to yourself. Tell yourself your only going to have a little bit of that this time. You are not going to eat all of it. Tell yourself you are really full even if you are still hungry." That seemed like utter nonsense to me when my mother said that because I had never been able to have a rational discussion with my hunger. Ever. I remember telling my mom then that it wouldn't work because "I was always hungry." I'm not sure she believed me when I told her that. Always hungry? Who is always hungry? And why? And isn't someone who is always hungry really just using that as an excuse to pig out? 

But I was always hungry. 

The first time that statement was ever explained to me though was when I was reading a Zone Diet book by Dr. Barry Sears. He talked about insulin and how eating a carbohydrate-rich diet (breads, pastas, rice, cookies, crackers, etc) can cause a high-insulin reaction which eventually makes you hungrier and hungrier. There in black and white I finally heard for the first time why I was "always hungry" and why my body never seemed to be satiated. 

That's why when I eat something like Elana's candy bars and I feel satiated after two of them I know that something right is happening with my body. And I'm finally beginning to unlock the secrets to good health. 

Day Six: Starvation and Refeeding

I read this awesome post today that is exactly in line with the concept of intuitive eating. 

Today I starved. It has been a busy week with long nights and I've been trying not only to do this allergy-free diet but also to exercise every day. And I'm in school. And work has been very stressful. So every area of my life this week was calling out for attention. Financially it was hard as well. I finally got the money I needed in the middle of the week, but by then I was deep in the depths of my week and didn't have time to do menu planning or serious grocery shopping. I existed throughout the week eating smidgens of things here and there but without getting out the cutting board and firing up the oven and really getting some good food going in my life. 

It all came to a head this morning. I left the house late without packing any food--a sure sign of things going wrong for me that day. Whenever this happens, I usually starve and starve and starve all day long until I hit the 3PM bewitching hour when the only thing I can think about is: FOOD. Glorious, beautiful food. And all I do is think about food until I get some. Usually this means the vending machines, a fast food run, or the a jaunt over to the bookstore. Anything to get my blood sugar up and to get me feeling better. Or at least less hungry. 

Today, I simply had to go home and make some food. I couldn't run to a fast food place. There was nothing that I could pick up really quickly to feed myself. I had to go home and make food. And it took time. And I was so hungry. But if I'm ever going to truly do this allergy-free thing, I have to take care of my body and do the things it keeps asking me to do. So, I'm doing those things. 

I guess part of this changing process is learning not only that starvation is detrimental to me emotionally and physically, but also that it takes time to feed yourself. Whether you wait until 3PM to acknowledge that fact or not. 

Craving: Hot Donuts

Ate two donuts from Krispy Kreme tonight. Contemplating doing my allergy thing for two months and worrying about feeling deprived. One of my new mottos has been to indulge all cravings, albeit with decorum. And tonight, I craved donuts. 

What makes hot donuts good? They taste like spun hot sugar. That is their sole attraction, indeed, a rather enticing one. The cold, chocolate iced donut I had tasted more like sugar overload. 

I guess I felt a bit detached last night. A bit more observational and these donuts did not seem to overwhelmingly affect me. But that could just be arrogance. They affect me. But last night they were not the ANSWER to deep, emotional longing. 

I've used food so much to self-medicate my emotions that sometimes I wonder if I have any idea of how to operate emotionally outside the boundaries of food indulgence. It feels a bit like a revelation when I can. 

I will also note that when I am hormonally better balanced, deeply emotionally satisfied by a visit from my very dear friend, and well-nourished for several days, that this kind of food does not need to answer any deep needs inside of me. (Let's be honest, this food never answers deep things inside of me, but it surely distracts me easily from those matters.)

The donuts did not live up to any expectations.