A Saturday of Sporadic Eating

I haven't been cooking this week with this nasty cold. I'm actually a little nonplussed trying to figure out what I did eat. I know I bought some ENER-G brown rice bread that was NASTY. I did use it to make toast and then I slathered almond butter and fruit jam (no sugar) on it. It at least made that awful bread digestible. I also ate some red potatoes, an experimental olive bread that I tried, super-fast turkey burgers and spinach berry smoothies. I used brown rice tortillas as a base for almond butter and fruit jam  sandwiches, as well as baking them and dipping them in salmon or tuna fish mixed with mayo. I was out of eggs, chicken and really everything else. So, most of this week was just subsisting. I would try to make something when I was starving and just couldn't exist one more moment without some kind of sustenance. 

Somehow I survived the week. 

That is until today. I woke up feeling fine and ready to go. I had delayed my test for school until today and so I spent the morning swapping between laundry, dishes and studying. A little after 1PM I was fainting because of hunger and I made a smoothie and ate some almonds. I didn't have time for anything else. I had to be up on campus a little after 2PM if I was going to get the test over by 4PM when the testing center closed. I was still hungry on my way to campus and I decided to pick up some hamburgers from Wendy's. I had checked their website before to look at their chili and see if I could eat it. It was full of junk, so I figured if I got a hamburger, I could at least eat the burger and veggies. What I didn't realize was the cheese would melt to the burger. So, I was scraping the cheese off, but I still got some cheese. It really was not a great solution, but if I ever hit an emergency like that again, I need to remember to order the burgers without the cheese. 

After the test was over, I stayed there at work until 8PM. I was very, very hungry now. I had a menu plan and I was going to hit the grocery stores, so of course I picked up foods I could eat once I got to the car. It was kind of a wild mix of tastes and something I think only a sane person would do after a week of just subsisting and a day of starving. Are your ready for what struck my fancy? 

• roasted turkey breast deli slices (organic)
• cashews
• a chocolate crunch, gluten-free, wheat-free, sugar-free cookie
• apricot juice

And that is where the majority of my calories have come from today. Sporadic eating does not lend itself necessarily to an appetizing menu. 

Laboring Over Food Choices

The downward spiral continues in my life. I could not for the life of me organize myself this morning to get anything accomplished. I tried. I wanted to get so much accomplished. I had so many plans. It was just one of those days where time passes so quickly and it is suddenly 1:00 pm and I've been in the same position for the last 6 hours and unwilling to believe that my life will ever get better than this.

It is called "depression." And it hits me particularly hard the first few days of my cycle. Or my wildly inaccurate cycle. The one that has been giving me fits and starts for a long time. Suffice it to say that when Aunt Flo comes for a visit, I'm turn into the dark. I can't believe in these moments that my life will ever improve. That I will ever hope again. That beauty and functionality will return to my life.

Fortunately, I've suffered from these same feelings long enough that I know that they will pass. That I will come out on the other side of them. That whatever truths these feelings have to teach me will be heard. They must be heard. Because I am not allowed out of the clutches of these feelings until I begin to hear them.

I know I need to get back on my fish oil and Vitamin D pills again. Especially when I am feeling this bad.

So, I did try to celebrate the holiday today. The family gathered for a light supper and movie night. We usually go swimming at the pool and have a barbecue but the weather was pretty horrific with a steady downpour and then chilly air after that. So the movie night worked out well.

But the food did not. I took a veggie platter. I even made hummus. But I knew most people wouldn't like it so I bought some organic sour cream and an organic ranch dip and made that as well. Lots of the veggies were eaten. Many of them by me. I poked my way into the sour cream dip as well (even though no dairy is allowed). I was struggling big time with the food thing. So, I ate a handful of potato chips. Then a bunch of rice crackers. Then some 7-layer Mexican dip. All of it good. None of it what I needed.

When I went home later that night I had a familiar feeling in my stomach. I felt kind of bloated. Large. Uncomfortable. My stomach hurt. But I think it is a feeling I'm so very, very used to that it was familiar. And sometimes familiar seems better than the other choice.

The other choice right now for me involves being HUNGRY. Not that I haven't bought enough food in the last five days. (Around $200 worth of food). It just seems that I have to work extra hard to make sure that this food hits all the right notes on the hunger train. And that takes time. Takes cooking. Takes planning.

None of it was what I wanted to be preoccupied with at the moment.

Eating this way, it is very, very hard to eat out. Salads are about the only thing I can eat and most of them have some kind of seasoning, preservative, or sugar either on the protein or the dressing. I can barely eat at family dinner on Sunday. Not that I want anyone making anything special for me. But I do have to make special things for myself.

I made the salad yesterday for Sunday dinner. I wanted to make it because I wanted there to be at least ONE food I could eat at Sunday dinner. And I wanted it to be a killer food. So, I filled a huge platter with romaine lettuce and I added hard-boiled eggs, crumbled bacon (nitrate-free), toasted almond slices, tomatoes and cucumbers. Then I doused it in Green Goddess dressing--made with olive oil, avocados, lemon juice, etc. It was SO GOOD. I think I might have been able to polish off the entire platter myself. Several other people liked the salad too though. Which made me very, very happy.

So, success one day and failure the next. I'm two weeks into this allergy-free diet now and I still haven't got it all down pat. I can see it is going to take time and planning. Much much more of that.

I'm learning. Slowly but surely I'm learning

This is not about deprivation. This is a short-term experiment. When the experiment is over, I will decide what foods I will include again in my diet and how often. This is certainly not about lifelong deprivation either. I have to keep reminding myself about that.

Or I just might go a bit cuckooo!

Saturday Surprise

My dining table is out getting refinished and my desk is covered in boxes right now, so I'm typing this in my big yellow chair and I gotta admit: not the most comfortable position in the world. I much preferring my typing at a desk. 

Progress on the allergy-free diet: Well, I went to Tyler and Carissa's wedding reception last night and I ate some nuts (which just made me realize--there were likely peanuts in that nut mix, so I should not have eaten them!) and I ate the tuna salad filling of a sandwich and I ate the grapes and watermelon. I did eat some grilled chicken and apples before I left, but really if I'm going to go to a reception I need to have a full, big meal beforehand. We stayed there for nearly three hours and I abstained from all the treats but I'm not a hero or anything. And I will eat those things again. Remember this is not about lifetime deprivation. It is simply about a two-month challenge. 

Then I made myself a bowl of peaches when I stopped by Mom and Dad's house later. I just felt thinner when I woke up this morning, so I weighed myself. I have one of those digital scales that I like but that is so hard to get a number to stay on the screen because it flits from number to number with the slightest shift of my weight. But I saw the numbers 336 and 337 today. Which is certainly progress. I believe I have seen the 350 numbers on that screen. And I've definitely been in the 340s for a long time. But the 330s? Uh, well, I'm clearly not sure the last time I've seen those. 

I may have hit 339 before we went to Denmark, but before that? I doubt I've been in the 330s since early 2006 or late 2005. I wanted to get down to 330 by the end of this month, so I guess I'm getting there. By October 1, I would like to be looking on the other side of 310. Then November 290, then December 270, then January 250. Wouldn't that be fun? Then let's keep this thing going strong. February 230, March 210, April 195, May 180, June 165, July 150, August 140, September 135. 

You see how I like to dream? 

(This is the THIRD post in as many days that has been severely truncated because of my terrible Internet connection recently. Let's just say, I had several more paragraphs and they are all gone now.)

Eating Through Money

I spent $72 last night on my little jaunt to the grocery store. That blew most of my grocery budget for this week. Now, I just have to come up with menus for the items I bought.

I was so hungry when I woke up this morning. I had to leave the house by 7:45AM to get gas and get to my cousin's wedding on time. But I had to make food. I made an almond milk, fresh strawberry, frozen blueberry smoothie. Yummo. A repeat of last night's smoothie and it really hit the spot. Then I also repeated the rest of last night's menu--2 fried eggs, salsa and avocado.

Then when I came home from the wedding about 11AM I had to make more food. I grilled 2 chicken breasts and ate 1 1/2 of those with salsa and smothered in guacamole. And yet another smoothie. Any thoughts about the state of my hunger?

I'm not sure all this writing about food and what I'm eating and how I'm feeling is really the best of plans. I feel self-conscious doing it. Then I wonder, if I just continue doing it will I get over the self-consciousness????? And will that in any way help me?

Signing out.

Small Changes at the Beginning

So, I've been on this allergy-free diet for about a week now. And as previously acknowledged I have not been perfect. Never let me give off the impression that I'm striving for perfection. It is a nasty, nasty habit and I'm want to be rid of it.

So, even though I've made nearly daily mistakes, I have noticed some hints of progress.

My cheeks are less flushed
I've always had rosy cheeks. Or really embarrassingly RED cheeks. I also have a red spot on my double chin for as long as I can remember. Some people think that rosy cheeks are healthy-looking. I have my doubts. When I lived in Pennsylvania, I knew a woman who suffered from rosacea. She was also overweight. I wondered even back then if red cheeks could actually be connected to a reaction in diet. I've also noticed a few little kids who get unnaturally flushed when they are outside too long. I've wondered if that had a connection to what they were eating as well. Let's just say that I see it as a positive sign when my cheeks are less flushed. Could flushed cheeks be an allergic reaction? Could they be a reaction either a high-glycemic diet?

Reduction in double chin
Okay, no one else will be able to tell by just looking at me, but I can tell. When you carry significant chub around your neck that restricts your windpipe and impacts how you turn your head, you too will notice when that restriction clears a bit and you are able to turn your head a few degrees more. I love it.

No more tissue brigade in the morning
I stage kleenex boxes near every major spot in my house: kitchen table, kitchen counter, reading chair, couch, desk, bedroom, bathroom. I go through kleenex like it is going out of style. I always am clearing my throat or my nose. Well, not this week. At least not as much. I've had clear nasal passages and a clear throat. It has been simply lovely.

Tummy touched my backbone
When I was trying to fall asleep last night and I was sooooooo hungry, I actually felt that my stomach was touching my backbone. That is how empty it felt down there. Now, I know this wasn't the case, but I'm not sure I've been that empty down there since 1995. At least it was a feeling I had forgotten.

My lower tummy chub is reduced
I really don't want to gross out those of you who never deal with the daily factors of serious chub, but I have what I call an upper and lower tummy. There is an indention around my tummy where my waist is--at belly button level. I pook out above my belly button and below it. The lower section is my lower tummy chub. It is always the largest, roundest part on my body. It is also the first part of my body to show any changes. Well, the lower tummy chub has decreased in size. Not so much of it. It doesn't pull on my back as much. I look a fraction of a hair smaller too. It feels better.

What Am I Doing about My Food Sensitivity Test?

So, I took that IgG food sensitivity test back in May and I knew I wanted to start following the elimination diet for the test, but I convinced myself to wait until I came back from Denmark in June. Then I got a bit depressed. Then it was Katy's wedding and Amy came for a five-week visit. I didn't want to start a whole new program with Amy around. Even though she eats amazingly well. I just didn't want that stress. 

So, here I am. Amy is leaving town tomorrow and our discussions for the last few weeks have centered around food. And I'm ready to get with the program. I've actually been doing it for a few days already but I wanted to clear up a few lingering questions with my doctor. 

1. Can I take the sacrament (like communion) each week? It is just a bite of bread and I wanted to know if it would negatively affect me. She said I could give them a rice cracker and take that. Or if I don't think it is bothering me then I can just take it. I don't think it bothers me so I'm going to continue with just a bite of bread each week. 

2. Also, I didn't test negatively for brown rice or red potatoes but my doctor had said something to me about staying off both of those items. I wanted to know exactly how serious she was about those items. Well, let's just say I received my answer. She was serious. 

I had been going with the idea that I would be able to eat brown rice as well as brown rice pasta and brown rice tortillas. Nope, nada, nothing. But she did say yes to agave nectar (thank you!) and almond flour (yes!). That at least gives me a few more options like blueberry muffins, pancakes and a simple bread. I will try those out and see what I think about them as a regular part of the diet around here. 

I also need to watch food items like high-glycemic fruits, dried fruits, and beans and lentils. Those are all question marks in my mind. Do they stay or do they go? 

I really think the hardest items to give up with for these few weeks will be lemons, limes, grapefruit and oranges. Not that I eat a ton of them, but they all do add great flavorings to food. They will be the first items I will test to come back into my diet. 

So, for now, what am I eating? 

1. Chicken, turkey, fish

2. all veggies 

3. most fruits

4. beans and lentils

5. most nuts

5. olives, olive oil, avocados

6. almond flour, coconut flour, agave nectar, and Dagoba chocodrops

There will be no such thing as deprivation in my household. This is a celebration, a joy in eating. A good and great joy to eat and be happy. 

What I don't eat: 

1. Potatoes

2. Corn

3. All grains (including brown rice)

4. Soy

5. Dairy

6. Sugar

7. Peanuts

8. Limes, lemons, oranges, grapefruit

I was absolutely floored when around the time of my allergy test, I discovered Elana at elanaspantry.com and all of her excellent recipes. Yummy. 

I also could not believe when I read this entry and found that she also did not eat any grains, potatoes, corn, soy, dairy or sugar. A woman after my own heart. I've been obsessed with her website and trying out all of her recipes for most of the summer and they have proved as delicious as they look. 

I needed her site as a bit of divine intervention and to give me the belief that I could eat really, really well without ever feeling deprived. 

I'm so happy I'm doing this. 

Thoughts on Salad

I've been eating salads from Kneaders all summer. It finally occurred to me today that if I'm trying to stay away from gluten and wheat that it might be a good idea to stop buying salads from a shop that primarily sells BREAD.

Today I had the Chicken Ala Mondo salad. It had grilled chicken breast (very tender), sliced almonds, bacon, spring mix greens, red onions and instead of mozzarella cheese I asked for tomatoes. Also, instead of the bread slices they give I asked for cucumbers. It was a yummy salad. I'm trying to form a standard for building a great salad and I'm beginning to think that you need at least 3 kinds of protein and 3 veggies in addition to the greens.

I've never been a great lover of salads. Mostly because the salads I've been the most exposed to look something like this: iceberg lettuce, fake cheddar cheese, heavy croutons, pale tomatoes, shredded carrots, and Ranch dressing. This type of salad is not inspired. It is disgusting. Unfortunately, these types of salads are still often what come to my mind when I think of salad.

What I need to think about are my Kneaders salads: fresh greens, tender, succulent chicken, crunchy nuts, sizzling proteins and luscious veggies. Hmmmmm. Good. That makes me want to eat salad. Every day. 

And that's saying a lot coming from this girl. 

Can I Eat This For Dinner EVERY Night?

My friend Katy hosted her first dinner party at her home since she was married last month. Katy has celiac disease which means she has to stay away from gluten. I'm supposed to be staying away from gluten as well.

• Tamales with/ turkey, green chiles and some with black bean/refried bean mixture


• toppings: sour cream, guacamole, great salsa


• cucumber, tomato (garden fresh) salad--with vinegar, canola oil/olive oil, garlic salt, pepper, dab of mayo


• garden yellow squash stir-fried with sweet onions and then steamed and garnished with olive oil and salt


• fresh pineapple


• fresh blueberries


• fresh strawberries

Can I eat this way EVERY day????

The Ups and The Downs

I just couldn't take it tonight. After trying to eat only those foods that I'm not allergic to and talking to other people about what I was doing and thinking about how exciting this whole process is, I caved tonight and had a little bingeing party. Or a big one.

Okay, I'm taking a deep breath. And another one. Just because I binge doesn't mean I fail. I can do this.

So, my bingeing tonight was dark chocolate Lindt balls, milk chocolate Lindt balls, Hostess cupcakes, Twinkies, and a Twix candy bar for good measure. Oh, and a small can of Sprite.

It was like I wanted to reassure myself that no matter what, I can eat what I want and I don't beat myself up about it. Of course, none of that food was the best choice. Of course, I would have been better off eating something else. Of course.

But I'm not a bad person because I ate that food. A sick person, yes (and I mean sick in the body, not in the head people). It wasn't a moral choice I made when I ate that food. It was just a choice.
And I honored the thing that I tell myself repeatedly: "You can have that food if you want it."

And tonight I really wanted it.

Not in a craving-it-like-butter way but more in a don't-you-dare-deprive-me-I've-been-deprived-my-entire-life kind of way. I just can't bear sometimes to think I can't ever eat some foods again in my life. So, I reassure myself that I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want and then I proceed to do my best to make that food healthy, whole, nourishing, fresh and now, allergy-free.

It is a continual process for me. Continual. And some days turn out better than others. And some don't turn out at all. But I'm making steps, however miniscule or repetitive, and it reminds me day after day after day that I am my own best advocate and I'm doing all of this to feel better and not to punish myself.

I'm a good girl, I am. And this journey just gets that much more interesting every day.

Thoughts on the State of My Diet

A few nights ago I ate that amazing meal at Thanksgiving Point. It was so, so good and I knew it was going to do something good to my body too. All the yummy veggies and the fish, shrimp and scallops just spoke to me. And I was right. About 24 hours later, I felt AMAZING.

That food--salmon, incredible veggies, good fats--does something to me that I don't acknowledge well enough sometimes. That food works with my body and its biochemistry. It works for me. That kind of food often leaves me feeling clean and good inside. Just like that night. The food is fresh and appealing and it is well-prepared with thought and care. (I need more thought and care when it comes to preparing my daily meals).

So, even though I felt amazing, I didn't keep eating that way the next few days. I had burgers and fries and a chocolate shake one day. I had a strawberry shake and a chicken taco the next day, I binged on Saturday morning at the McDonald's drive-thru and purchased their Deluxe Breakfast with pancakes, sausage, egg and biscuit, plus I got an Egg McMuffin, plus I got a cinnamon melt.

All those foods? Left me feeling tired, down, overwhelmed, and bloated. None of them made me MISERABLE, but I certainly didn't feel amazing like I did the day after the lovely, lovely meal I posted about two days ago.

You think in the future I might remember which food is which and choose accordingly.

I can hope.