Saturday, May 3, 2008

The Ups and The Downs

I just couldn't take it tonight. After trying to eat only those foods that I'm not allergic to and talking to other people about what I was doing and thinking about how exciting this whole process is, I caved tonight and had a little bingeing party. Or a big one.

Okay, I'm taking a deep breath. And another one. Just because I binge doesn't mean I fail. I can do this.

So, my bingeing tonight was dark chocolate Lindt balls, milk chocolate Lindt balls, Hostess cupcakes, Twinkies, and a Twix candy bar for good measure. Oh, and a small can of Sprite.

It was like I wanted to reassure myself that no matter what, I can eat what I want and I don't beat myself up about it. Of course, none of that food was the best choice. Of course, I would have been better off eating something else. Of course.

But I'm not a bad person because I ate that food. A sick person, yes (and I mean sick in the body, not in the head people). It wasn't a moral choice I made when I ate that food. It was just a choice.
And I honored the thing that I tell myself repeatedly: "You can have that food if you want it."

And tonight I really wanted it.

Not in a craving-it-like-butter way but more in a don't-you-dare-deprive-me-I've-been-deprived-my-entire-life kind of way. I just can't bear sometimes to think I can't ever eat some foods again in my life. So, I reassure myself that I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want and then I proceed to do my best to make that food healthy, whole, nourishing, fresh and now, allergy-free.

It is a continual process for me. Continual. And some days turn out better than others. And some don't turn out at all. But I'm making steps, however miniscule or repetitive, and it reminds me day after day after day that I am my own best advocate and I'm doing all of this to feel better and not to punish myself.

I'm a good girl, I am. And this journey just gets that much more interesting every day.

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