The Year 2009

Status Report:

I weigh 315 pounds. From January 1 of this year that is a net loss of 20 pounds. 20 freaking pounds! What have I been doing? I've still got nearly 200 pounds to lose! At this rate, 10 years from now I will reach my goal. Oh wait, I have actually been doing more than sitting on my tookus all year. (Or actually I've been sitting on my tookus a lot more--but it's been really productive sitting.) Applying to graduate school. Going to school. Pushing myself to change career paths. Seriously, how have I survived this year? Instead of beating myself up I should be congratulating myself. I'm a known emotional eater. I bury my pain with food. I've had a lot of pain this year. A lot of sacrifice, hard work and struggle. My typical modus operandi would have been to gain 50 pounds in the process. And let's be honest, my typical modus operandi would have been to not even attempt this radical change.

So, I'm happy. With a net loss of 20 pounds for 2009 and a net loss of 20 pounds for 2008, I'm currently 40 pounds less than my highest recorded weight of 355 pounds. It has been a stable (albeit slow-going) process. I'm not scared of those 40 pounds coming back. I think my life has changed enough and I've changed enough and I understand my body enough to feel good about where I am at right now.

For most of the year, I've been hovering around the 300 pound mark. I see myself back there very quickly. I also have a strong sense that I will get to 240 pounds rather quickly. Then the goal will be to get past 210 pounds. Then under 200. After the under 200 mark, I think I may either have gathered so much steam that I will reach 145-150 without a lot of fuss or I will put on the brakes and go into a holding pattern if my life feels like it is careening out of control. I don't know. I just know I'm feeling much more confident about the eating, the intolerance-free diet and the cooking. That all feels like it has fallen into place this year.

So, here is a recap of what occupied 2009:

1. Getting into graduate school: I continued to work full-time and went to school part-time trying to change my future. I want to wake up every Monday morning EXCITED to go to work. Excited to work hard. Excited to do something I love each day. I believe those future Monday mornings include: loving people through therapy, spending time in nature, writing, and raising a houseful of my very own littles with a TDH man that shares my goals, dreams, visions of our life together.

2. The intolerance-free diet: Most of 2009 I spent NOT eating things like wheat, dairy, sugar, HCFS, corn, soy, MSG and most processed foods. After three or four months of strict adherence to this plan I started to feel incredible in a way I have not felt in a long, long time. There is something absolutely magical about energy and I seemed to have energy in abundance, something that has rarely if ever been true in my life. I admit that those initial three months at times felt like I was white knuckling my way through the diet each day but I began to feel amazing and that feeling just kept building and building and building. I played around with my intolerance-free/elimination diet during the summer, got back in track (somewhat) in the fall, and then totally abandoned it for the incredibly stressful month of December as I finished the application process for graduate school. All in all though: I would not have a net loss of 20 pounds for this year without that plan and I REALLY would not have been able to face down all the fears and issues in my life without it.

3. Far too much avoidance-related coping while watching TV shows on Hulu: I guess I'm also an emotional TV watcher. Which is why I don't own a TV because I know how I am around one. But thanks to the Internet and explosion of TV shows on the world-wide web (I'm looking at you Hulu) my TV habit is alive and well. If I'm not eating my way through pain, then you will often find me immersed in pop culture oblivion to ease my way through it. So, yes, despite having an incredibly busy year, I've spent far too many late nights easing my way into dreamy sleepiness to the incandescent glow of shows like Greek, Bones, Supernatural and Glee. I've always been a sucker for a good story.

4. Cooking: I do like cooking. I always have. I've just never felt totally, 100% comfortable cooking in a traditional manner (meaning white flour, sugar, etc) because I've never been sure if that was how I wanted to cook. This year I became confident that with lots of fresh foods, alternative flours and creativity that yummy, delicious food was in my future forever. I embrace all the deliciousness of good food and I now know that I will not be deprived of any of its goodness in years to come. I have my own versions of chocolate chip cookies, hot chocolate, chocolate turtles, brownies, cake and even bread. All delicious and enticing and very, very good. I am much more confident about how and what I will be cooking for the next 40-50 years of my life and I'm excited.

Those four things along with work, school, church and family and friends. That has been my year. All in all I think that 2009 was a good year. I jumped a lot of hurdles, faced a lot of issues, realized my weaknesses more acutely and accentuated my strengths more frequently. I'm more aware of how much I still have to learn and more accepting of the process by which I will learn it. I'm kicking against the pricks less, accepting more of life and more excited for the possibilities that this year may bring.

To an excellent 2010! My all of our dreams come true.