Day 28 Progress: Cooling the Fire

Things have been going well on the allergy-free diet. I'm learning to refine what I'm eating and when I'm eating it. 

The last week was difficult with my really bad cold and the fact that I wasn't doing much cooking so I was surviving on whatever I could scrounge up. It was all on plan food, but I noticed that I wouldn't eat for nearly 24 hours and then when I would eat I would need to eat ASAP because I was starving. 

The last few days I've been feeling a bit smug about this whole allergy-free thing too. Smugness is always a red alert for me. Anytime I start thinking that I'm doing pretty darn well on any plan is almost a sure bet for rough waters ahead. 

One thing has been going well though that I never expected. My response to some foods. I made candy bars last night. They are a recipe from one of my favorite food bloggers, Elana. I promised my sister I would make the candy bars on our cabin trip a week ago but it didn't happen when I got sick. So, I made them on Sunday after our family dinner. 

The first time I made the recipe several weeks ago, I was still a bit hesitant about my oven and I burned the pecans. While the candy still turned out good, the burnt pecan flavor was a bit overwhelming at times. This time, I watched the pecans much more closely and in the end . . . well, let's just say they were perfect. 

With the freezing time it takes about two hours to make these. As soon as I pulled them out of the freezer the second time, I had my mom try them. Then I rushed over to my sister's house and we dissected these treats together. Conclusions: They actually taste better the next day! The intensity of the chocolate seems to lower a bit and I actually liked them better the next day. Also, the pecan and almond butter mixture is yummy. I felt like an incredible cook because these are the kinds of treats that I would usually visit a chocolatier store to buy. And I made them in my own home. 

Really the best part for me though was I only ate a couple of these. And not because I was "limiting myself" or because I was "on a diet" but because after two or three I was completely satisfied. Which is a statement that hardly ever comes out of my mouth so it seems like an accomplishment in the extreme to me. 

Usually my experience is just the opposite. I can eat and eat and eat a particular food and never feel fully satiated. Some foods seem to light a fire in me. That fire says "More, more, more, more." So, I eat more. Then the flames are fanned higher and higher and burn with greater heat and the fire says "More! More! More!" so I continue eating and eating trying to satiate myself until the fire burns with such great intensity that I become a writhing mass of "MORE!" and that word seems to scream from every pore in my body. 

You don't believe me? I remember one particular day driving up to a fast food restaurant to order something off the menu. As I was ordering the food, in the back of my mind, I was contemplating the two other fast food places close by that I was going to stop at next to order more food. I suddenly stopped myself and realized that I was contemplating eating food from three restaurants for one meal and I could still think of a million more food items that I wanted to eat and needed to eat and couldn't wait to eat. In that moment it seemed that there was not enough time left in my life to eat all the food I could contemplate eating. 

I'm sorry, not enough time???? I knew that something was wrong in that moment. When my life becomes an obsessive hunt for more food then I am either truly experiencing starvation or something is messed up in my body. 

Something was messed up in my body. That feeling of fire, of never-ending fire is the way I experience metabolic syndrome. That fire is what tells me that something has to change because it is a desperate and terrible place to live to be constantly eating and never fully satisfied. 

I remember when I was in junior high and high school and my mom and I would talk about weight and weight loss and she would share with me her idea of "You just need to talk to yourself. Tell yourself your only going to have a little bit of that this time. You are not going to eat all of it. Tell yourself you are really full even if you are still hungry." That seemed like utter nonsense to me when my mother said that because I had never been able to have a rational discussion with my hunger. Ever. I remember telling my mom then that it wouldn't work because "I was always hungry." I'm not sure she believed me when I told her that. Always hungry? Who is always hungry? And why? And isn't someone who is always hungry really just using that as an excuse to pig out? 

But I was always hungry. 

The first time that statement was ever explained to me though was when I was reading a Zone Diet book by Dr. Barry Sears. He talked about insulin and how eating a carbohydrate-rich diet (breads, pastas, rice, cookies, crackers, etc) can cause a high-insulin reaction which eventually makes you hungrier and hungrier. There in black and white I finally heard for the first time why I was "always hungry" and why my body never seemed to be satiated. 

That's why when I eat something like Elana's candy bars and I feel satiated after two of them I know that something right is happening with my body. And I'm finally beginning to unlock the secrets to good health. 

A Saturday of Sporadic Eating

I haven't been cooking this week with this nasty cold. I'm actually a little nonplussed trying to figure out what I did eat. I know I bought some ENER-G brown rice bread that was NASTY. I did use it to make toast and then I slathered almond butter and fruit jam (no sugar) on it. It at least made that awful bread digestible. I also ate some red potatoes, an experimental olive bread that I tried, super-fast turkey burgers and spinach berry smoothies. I used brown rice tortillas as a base for almond butter and fruit jam  sandwiches, as well as baking them and dipping them in salmon or tuna fish mixed with mayo. I was out of eggs, chicken and really everything else. So, most of this week was just subsisting. I would try to make something when I was starving and just couldn't exist one more moment without some kind of sustenance. 

Somehow I survived the week. 

That is until today. I woke up feeling fine and ready to go. I had delayed my test for school until today and so I spent the morning swapping between laundry, dishes and studying. A little after 1PM I was fainting because of hunger and I made a smoothie and ate some almonds. I didn't have time for anything else. I had to be up on campus a little after 2PM if I was going to get the test over by 4PM when the testing center closed. I was still hungry on my way to campus and I decided to pick up some hamburgers from Wendy's. I had checked their website before to look at their chili and see if I could eat it. It was full of junk, so I figured if I got a hamburger, I could at least eat the burger and veggies. What I didn't realize was the cheese would melt to the burger. So, I was scraping the cheese off, but I still got some cheese. It really was not a great solution, but if I ever hit an emergency like that again, I need to remember to order the burgers without the cheese. 

After the test was over, I stayed there at work until 8PM. I was very, very hungry now. I had a menu plan and I was going to hit the grocery stores, so of course I picked up foods I could eat once I got to the car. It was kind of a wild mix of tastes and something I think only a sane person would do after a week of just subsisting and a day of starving. Are your ready for what struck my fancy? 

• roasted turkey breast deli slices (organic)
• cashews
• a chocolate crunch, gluten-free, wheat-free, sugar-free cookie
• apricot juice

And that is where the majority of my calories have come from today. Sporadic eating does not lend itself necessarily to an appetizing menu. 

My Reasons

I haven't been advertising this blog to my friends or my family. Or anyone. I'm really hoping that if I keep writing, like-minded new friends will find me. That together we can do this weight thing. With everyone else there is too much history, too much stuff, just too much. Right now I don't want the rest of my life mixed up in this constant, daily challenge of my weight. 

When I write that down, it actually sounds pretty stupid. My life and my weight are inexplicably and forever tied together. No ifs ands or buts about it. I guess I just don't want a lot of commentary on the matter from people who have watched from the sidelines for a long time. My thoughts and conclusions still feel so tentative and brand-new that I don't want someone to give me their opinion when their opinion may sway me more than they know. 

Or truly, I'm just a chicken. 

It remains to be seen. 

Weigh In: February 6, 2009

Weight: 322 pounds

Waist: 51 inches

Chest: 55 inches

Hips: 56 inches

I've been doing the allergy-free diet thing for almost four weeks now. I survived our annual cabin trip last weekend with its never-ending supply of goodies, I survived my parents' 40th wedding anniversary, and I survived my own weaknesses and fallibilities for that time period as well. 

I also got a killer cold from our cabin trip. It hit me the last day and I've turned into a mucus-producing factory for the last five days. I've gone through three boxes of tissues just trying to survive. I also wacked my blood sugar with sucking down far too many cough drops. All in all a tough week for eating. I got on the scale a few days ago only to realize that I had lost like 6 pounds total for the month. Not exactly what I'd been hoping for. 

Then I woke up today after sleeping for nearly 24 hours straight with this cold. And the first thing I realized was my boobs were smaller--a sure sign in my body that things are changing. So, I hopped on the scale and wouldn't you know it, I'm down 13 pounds for the month. I like that number much better. 

Once again though, I have to remind myself, this is not about the numbers. Lots of other very important changes are occurring. And this journey is about so much more than how many pounds lost or pounds gained. I have to remind myself about that fact because it so quickly turns into a numbers game for me and one that I want to win. 

March 299

April 275

May 260

June 245

July 230

Aug 215

Sep 200

Oct 187

Nov 175

Dec 162

Jan 149

Feb 137

Mar 135

See what I mean? I'm constantly playing the numbers when I think things are going well. And when they are not going well? I IGNORE anything and everything to do with numbers. I become number-blind. 

I still have so much to learn. 

Weeks 2 and 3: Why I Love Meal Planning

Weeks 2 and 3 had one very big highlight to them: My new six-week meal plan. I knew if I was going to survive this allergy-free diet thing, I could not just coast by eating snatches of things here or there. I had to have a plan. I had to eat good, yummy, amazing food that I would eat regardless of allergies or no allergies. I had to be eating sweet, succulent yummy dishes. So, I made a six-week meal planner for dinners. 42 dinners. Yikes! I'm not even sure I know 42 dishes. But I put together a meal plan. And it is good. I'm cooking more than ever and I'm eating better than ever. 

Plus, I'm saving money. 

Does it get better than that? 

Week 1: Progress on the Allergy-Free Diet

The allergy-free diet has been going strong for a week now. While I'm pleased as punch about this week, I'm even more interested to see how week 18, 19 and 20 develop simply because I'd like to have jumped all the hurdles I'm going to have to jump to actually arrive at those weeks. In other words, mama wants to know if she can make it that long.

It has by no means been a obstacle-free week. For example:

• opened and used a can of black beans and then looked a the label only to discover that it contained sugar. I like to think I'm a pretty consistent label reader but this one caught me totally off guard. Why is sugar added to beans? 
  
• foraging after a party at the parents' house this weekend and took a big old bite of flank steak only to realize within seconds that it had been marinated in soy sauce (contains wheat); that didn't stop me from taking 3 or 4 more bites; it took me that long to wrestle myself away from it. 
  
• could not eat my smoked paprika chicken without what I call special sauce (mayo, ketchup, dijon mustard) and said a fond farewell to ketchup as a part of that mix; know that I will be experimenting with making my own ketchup just so I can keep making the special sauce.
  

Thank goodness in all of this for Elana over at elanaspantry.com. She's been keeping me sane. She's also been keeping me cooking. In the last few days, I've made her chocolate chip cookies, her almond butter blondies, her cod piccata, and her smoked paprika almonds. All were yummy, but the smoked paprika almonds were fragrant and smoky and hot. I tested them out on Meg's clan and got rave reviews.

I modified the recipe a bit because I'm not a spicy hot fan. You should know though that any recipe that starts with fresh garlic and smoked paprika is going good places.

Smoked Paprika Almonds
from Elana at elanaspantry.com

2 tablespoons olive oil
2 cloves garlic
3 cups raw almonds
2 teaspoons smoked paprika
1 teaspoon celtic sea salt

1. Heat the olive oil in a large skillet over medium heat
2. Add garlic to the skillet and saute for 3-5 minutes, until the garlic is almost brown
3. Add smoked paprika and salt and stir to make a paste
4. Add the almonds and stir constantly until they are thoroughly coated
5. Continue toasting almonds in the skillet until they are fragrant, about 5 minutes
6. Remove from heat and allow the nuts to cool in the pan
7. Serve

They actually made me think of popcorn too. There was this delicious, toasty smell wafting through my house the rest of the night and I ate more almonds than should likely be consumed in one four-hour period.

Easy, fast and you may not be able to stop at just one!

Day Six: Starvation and Refeeding

I read this awesome post today that is exactly in line with the concept of intuitive eating. 

Today I starved. It has been a busy week with long nights and I've been trying not only to do this allergy-free diet but also to exercise every day. And I'm in school. And work has been very stressful. So every area of my life this week was calling out for attention. Financially it was hard as well. I finally got the money I needed in the middle of the week, but by then I was deep in the depths of my week and didn't have time to do menu planning or serious grocery shopping. I existed throughout the week eating smidgens of things here and there but without getting out the cutting board and firing up the oven and really getting some good food going in my life. 

It all came to a head this morning. I left the house late without packing any food--a sure sign of things going wrong for me that day. Whenever this happens, I usually starve and starve and starve all day long until I hit the 3PM bewitching hour when the only thing I can think about is: FOOD. Glorious, beautiful food. And all I do is think about food until I get some. Usually this means the vending machines, a fast food run, or the a jaunt over to the bookstore. Anything to get my blood sugar up and to get me feeling better. Or at least less hungry. 

Today, I simply had to go home and make some food. I couldn't run to a fast food place. There was nothing that I could pick up really quickly to feed myself. I had to go home and make food. And it took time. And I was so hungry. But if I'm ever going to truly do this allergy-free thing, I have to take care of my body and do the things it keeps asking me to do. So, I'm doing those things. 

I guess part of this changing process is learning not only that starvation is detrimental to me emotionally and physically, but also that it takes time to feed yourself. Whether you wait until 3PM to acknowledge that fact or not.