Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Discouragement, Despair and Depression Visit Me

Today was the kind of day that I wished I could wake up and be SOMEONE ELSE. Anyone else. Someone who didn't have my life or my problems or my gaping, gigantic weaknesses. "Get me out of this life" was the thought that predominated. I didn't want to clean my house, go to work, take a shower, make my bed, or do any of the number of things that need to be done around here.

And I wanted food.

Different food. More food. Other food. Just not my food. Not anything that I had on hand.

I was late to work as usual and made myself a couple of eggs before I left. Ate them with nothing on them--that's how uninspired I was.

Then I took the time to make some coconut macaroons too. Just because I wanted a treat.

My brain was on low control today. I could not get focused. I could not produce. I could not organize. I just was a mess from the get go this morning.

That isn't to say that is how the day ended though.

I went to work and did a few things and then I started obsessing about food. Food. What I could eat. What I could not eat. What I wanted to eat. What would I ever be able to eat? And I wanted yummy, messy, delicious food. Something like nachos with loads of cheese and guacamole and sour cream and tomatoes. Or steak and bbq chicken wings. Or Thai chili chicken with messy noodles.

Something, anything different. And I wanted CHOCOLATE CAKE.

So, I called my favorite steak place and was going to order bbq chicken wings and steak tips when I suddenly realized that I had all the makings for a far better bbq sauce at home and I could make a steak just as great as anyone else can if I just bought a steak and tried it out.

But I didn't buy a steak.

On the way home, I started daydreaming about what else I could make at my house. I had cashew milk and fruit--instant smoothie. I had all the ingredients for Asian chili chicken which looked like it could be a real winner. I could make my favorite bbq sauce and grill up some chicken with it. And for a super-fast dish, I could mash up some albacore tuna with my canola mayo, and put on top of spinach, add some toasted almonds and bury it in that fabulous Green Goddess dressing I made on Sunday.

So, I drove home. Made a peach and raspberry cashew milk smoothie. Then tuna spinach salad.

And I sit here: fat, sassy, and full.

And unwilling to believe that how my day began is the way it has to end.

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