Confession Session: The Bingeing is Back

I really am a recovering binge eater. It's been six months since my last experience. I've had a treat here and a splurge there in the past six months but I finally fell head long into a binge the other night.

It happened right on target for me too.

Usually when I start to feel really good about how I am doing or what kind of progress I am making I head straight into a binge. That is because the minute I realize things are going well or I am handling the pressure of my life I also simultaneously start to sense that now everyone is going to expect me to perform at this higher level of functionality from now until eternity. That puts a lot of pressure on me. Who wants to perform well all the time? Certainly not me. And I certainly don't want anyone to expect me to perform that well all the time.

Hence, the binge.

Bingeing gives me a headache. Literally. It plunges me into a place where darkness descends and I feel muddied and ill and terrible. It puts me in a place where all bets are off and I can't expect myself to perform because I feel so yucky, hence, no one else can expect me to perform either. At least that seems to be the nonsensical logic behind my binge. So, I get myself off the hook by bingeing. I get to step out of the racing current of life and check out.

The problem is that I have become the unmitigated master of checking out. I'm so good at it now that it nearly happens automatically. I live half a life, at half-speed, only doing things halfway. Otherwise I experience the shock, horror, pain and terror of having do things well on a consistent basis.

Bingeing gives me a chance to wrap myself in a little cocoon of oblivion and let go of the pain and the anxiety of living life at full speed and fully engaged.

It is a nasty little habit born of my unending love of avoiding all things anxiety-inducing. It is a coping mechanism that makes my life more miserable instead of better.

Yet, I went back to it this week. With all the anxiety in my gut, the terror of choices ahead of me, the pain of mistakes behind of me, this allowed me to try to disconnect from it all for the night.

It certainly gave me empathy for anyone who deals with alcoholism. Yikes! What a scary, hard place that would be. I felt like I needed to call my own sponsor last night and talk to her. Not have her judge me or flagellate me or even coax me away from my binge. But just someone to talk to about the knot in my stomach and the ache in my heart and see if they could go away without the assistance of the candy and chocolate and junk food that puts me in a state of semi-consciousness.

The truth is the binge has been coming on at least since Sunday and part of it happened Monday night and again a bit more on Tuesday and finally, finally, I did a full out binge last night.

Now, the question is: What am I going to do about it?

Hunger

My hunger is a sharp thing. It sits in the pit of my stomach, at the back of my mind, in the tense light of each of my waking hours. Relentless, unbidden, persisting. Ever present.

I try to assuage its pangs with food. I feed the sharpness, I cool the hot thirst, I stop and acknowledge its presence.

My hunger does not leave.

It rakes my belly most days through the ticking of the clock and the white heat of a shining day. It accompanies me into the dark hours of night and snakes its way from the soft folds of my center up through my chest, behind my eyes, throughout my brain.

Pulsing.

Beating.

Living.

My muscles tense, my head aches, I seek comfort and solace away from this growling burden, this constant pull inside of me. I push it away hoping it will disappear.

It does not.

It slices neatly through my meager defenses, assaulting me through the thrum of my heart with words that batter me.

I am so hungry.

I am so hungry.

I am so hungry.

I must spend time, hours, days attending to its pressing need, its near-stifling presence, its overwhelming load.

Feed me. I am so hungry.

In morning, its sharpness is muted, softer in its approach. Exhausted from its pursuit, I unwisely ignore its gentle reminders and benign probings, glad for a break as I throw it a morsel here or a drink there. It roars to life again within hours rearing its tyrannical head as my day progresses, beating every other thought out of my consciousness.

I succumb to its violence, its heat, its oppression. I seek to soothe, to calm, to comfort through taste, texture, smells and colors. Sometimes it abates allowing these things to sate its appetite. Allowing me some peace and solace from its clawing, voracious need.

Those are the days I breathe with joy.

Other days I cannot contain it, approach it or help it.

Those are the days it seems my hunger may end up eating me.

Peeling the Onion: I Haven't Been Self-Medicating with Food

Great. Now that I've announced that I haven't been self-medicating with food, I may just go on a wild binge soon and start self-medicating with food. I just like to clear the air beforehand because in no way do I want it to appear like I've actually learned how to control myself. That is a complete and utter fantasy. 

Let me begin at the beginning though. In the past month I've had two highly anxious, kind-of-dark weeks. Meaning I was panic stricken about some work and school responsibilities and I spent a couple of days holed up in my jammies watching nonsensical movies to ease my troubled mind. My typical modus operandi has been in the past to eat my way through such a week. To eat and eat and eat and eat and then eat some more to distract myself from the pain and dark misery that I'm experiencing.

Then I went on the allergy-elimination diet and my dark weeks turned into semi-troubling and painful kind of weeks where I still wanted my jammies and movies but no longer was their misery and pain and intense darkness because there was no fallout from my out-of-control bingeing.

Cue a complete and utter miracle in my life. 

Yes, I still have bad days and bad weeks and no, things are not always hunky dory in my life, but my miserable weeks just don't seem to produce the high emotion and spectacular drama of misery that I used to be able to wrangle out of them. 

I think I was a bit shocked this last time that I wasn't bingeing. I was surviving on the grapes and rice cakes and almond butter. And I was getting hungry one day and didn't want to cook and thought "Who cares? I'm just going to go buy whatever I want and eat it." Which got modified to "Well, at least if I'm going to buy something, I want it to be pretty spectacular food because if I have to feel miserable for two or three days after that food I want it to be really, really good." Which got modified to "Well, if I really want to eat something spectacular that isn't made out of factory-farmed, antibiotic-laced beef, I should just make it myself from grass-fed beef. Those taste better anyway," which moved me to "Well, if I'm going to all the trouble to make this burger than I'm going to go whole hog and do it up right with fresh guacamole, nitrate-free bacon, sauteed onions and mushrooms and almond cheese," which brought me right back to the fact that making it myself was likely going to taste better and I would be happier with the end result than going out and buying a greasy burger and trans-fat full fries. 

Which meant I wasn't going out to buy food. Which nixed the bingeing in the bud. 

I have plenty of options at home if I want really good food: coconut milk smoothies, spinach turkey burgers, almond butter brownies, almond chocolate chip cookies, roasted potatoes, fried onions, salmon with avocado slices and the list goes on. I've already vetted every ingredient in those meals and know exactly what I'm putting into my body. I don't have to wonder if the guacamole has a gluten filler or if the sauce has high-fructose corn syrup or if the potatoes were deep fried. I don't have to pull cheese off the burger or wipe away the bbq sauce that I asked them to hold and they forgot. I don't have to wish that for all of my effort and time I was eating something that actually tasted so amazingly good that it lit up all the cells in my body with good vibrations. 

Plus, when I do eat food that is full of sugar, dairy, corn and wheat and all kinds of other additives and chemicals, I get started on this pretty awful treadmill that is hard to get off. Those foods set off cravings in my brain that tend to overpower every other thought inside me and turn on powerful biological and chemical components in my body that make me want those foods over and over and over again all the while making me sick and unhappy and unhealthy. 

It is such a powerful cycle too that it is hard---very, very, very hard--for me to pull myself out of its vortex as I get brain fog, feel depressed and feel lethargic. Then nothing tastes good or sounds good or is good for me. Right now, it just isn't worth it. 

All of that logic and reasoning and suddenly I realized that I had talked myself out of bingeing. 

It doesn't mean that tomorrow I won't binge. It doesn't mean that I won't ever eat a greasy burger and fries from a local burger joint sometime soon. It doesn't mean that I have it all figured out. 

All this story is for me is about one time when I was stressed and overwhelmed and tired I didn't choose into my old behavior pattern because suddenly the cost of that behavior was much higher than the benefit. 

Really though even for that to happen one time for me is a miracle. So, I had to document its reality because I know that sometime in the future when I'm brain fogged and lethargic and full of cravings, this kind of stuff will help remind me why I'm choosing to live the way I'm living and why it really does matter after all. 

Stress and Eating

I've been more than a little stressed the last few days. Lots to do and I don't seem to be doing all of it well. So, yesterday was a a big stress day. Fortunately, I had made enough food earlier in the week that I had food for the day. I even had food at work. This was all very helpful when the stress level hit its high point. 

I had gone to bed late on Tuesday night because I was so stressed. I had eaten well most of Tuesday, so Tuesday night when my stress hit its peak I ate some rice cakes with almond butter and fruit jam. I watched a show and stayed up late and then I slept in late Wednesday morning. I didn't eat breakfast. I rushed to work. By noon I had not eaten but with the food at work, I was able to eat. Grilled chicken and apples then some turkey chili. Later some pineapple and chicken. 

Wednesday evening when I came home around 8PM from work, I cooked mushroom soup, roasted sweet potatoes and peppers, made spinach turkey burgers and sauteed some asparagus. It took a while to cook, but I needed good food. I ate a bunch of veggies and I ate some of the turkey burgers with avocado and fried onions. Yummmm. 

My standard operating procedure for handling stress before was to starve and then to binge. Yesterday, I at least handled the stress differently than before. I ate regularly. I ate higher-quality food. I'm not saying handling the stress only comes through how or what I'm eating. I'm just saying that I did not worsen the problem by starving and then bingeing and then setting off an emotional torpedo in my brain and body. I at least didn't take that path and make it worse. 

At least I'm making progress. Maybe next time the stress levels hit high, I will handle it even better. 

The Matter of Exercise

I went walking last night. The first time in several days or weeks. I had great plans for this summer to be full of walking. Well, maybe the fall will be full walking. Or at least some kind of exercise--weights, flexibility, cardio. Something.

What I do know is that in changing my lifestyle, one of the biggest benefits I am looking for is relief and healing from insulin resistance or metabolic syndrome and polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). I read a series of articles at womentowomen.com regarding metabolic syndrome, diabetes and PCOS. They all said what I believe--that diet and exercise greatly impact these diseases and that with the right diet and exercise we can be healed from these diseases. That is what I believe as well. I loved this quote from this article,

Nutrition — our food talks to our genes. If I had to pick the gold star in preventing diabetes, it would be food. What you eat can prevent and even control type 2 diabetes.

I believe that. That is why I'm doing what I'm doing. I'm trying to get back on the train eating right and exercising for my health. I want to lose weight but I don't want to be obsessed with how I look in the process. I don't want to be obsessed with the pounds. That is such an easy, easy trap for me to fall into and what it resulted in last time was an emotional explosion. The likes of which left debris raining down on my head for months and months and months.

Another great quote from the article about how certain types of food affect our blood sugar,

Insulin control is strongly affected by the glycemic index of the foods you eat. The glycemic index of a food is a measure for how quickly insulin rises in response to the amount of glucose entering your blood stream after you eat it. Foods high in
protein tend to have a lower glycemic index than carbohydrates. Simple carbs, like white flour and sugar, have a higher glycemic index than complex carbs like whole grains and fresh fruits. Simple carbs can overload your insulin receptors
and make insulin resistance more likely to develop.

That is one of the reasons I'm so strongly persuaded to try this allergy-free diet that I'm doing. It is not only an allergy-free diet, it is also a low-glycemic diet. I'm convinced that eating this way will help me overcome my own insulin resistance and PCOS.

I've already been doing the allergy thing now for two weeks. Granted not to perfection, but I've been doing it. Some of the benefits are: my skin has improved, I've lost about 8 pounds, I've lost 2-3 inches off my waist, and I have more energy. Granted yesterday was the 3rd day of my period and I was in a pretty deep funk that day as well as Monday. I feel like I kind of popped out of it last night though.

Like I said, I went for a walk last night. I had eaten some GREAT food and I went for a walk. That entire day and the day before I could barely move. It was so hard to get going, to feed myself, to imagine doing anything other than sitting. I think that is a byproduct of the depression that accompanies PCOS and that I always feel the first few days of my period. It is the time that I think I just can't go on. My life is devoid of purpose, meaning and joy. It is a terrible, empty, awful feeling.

But then tonight after great food and after walking, my body started to hum. I love that hum. It is the hum of good health. The hum of happiness. The hum of a body working and doing and being in a state of joy and bliss. 

That's why I'm on this journey. I want that sense of nirvana every day. 

Discouragement, Despair and Depression Visit Me

Today was the kind of day that I wished I could wake up and be SOMEONE ELSE. Anyone else. Someone who didn't have my life or my problems or my gaping, gigantic weaknesses. "Get me out of this life" was the thought that predominated. I didn't want to clean my house, go to work, take a shower, make my bed, or do any of the number of things that need to be done around here.

And I wanted food.

Different food. More food. Other food. Just not my food. Not anything that I had on hand.

I was late to work as usual and made myself a couple of eggs before I left. Ate them with nothing on them--that's how uninspired I was.

Then I took the time to make some coconut macaroons too. Just because I wanted a treat.

My brain was on low control today. I could not get focused. I could not produce. I could not organize. I just was a mess from the get go this morning.

That isn't to say that is how the day ended though.

I went to work and did a few things and then I started obsessing about food. Food. What I could eat. What I could not eat. What I wanted to eat. What would I ever be able to eat? And I wanted yummy, messy, delicious food. Something like nachos with loads of cheese and guacamole and sour cream and tomatoes. Or steak and bbq chicken wings. Or Thai chili chicken with messy noodles.

Something, anything different. And I wanted CHOCOLATE CAKE.

So, I called my favorite steak place and was going to order bbq chicken wings and steak tips when I suddenly realized that I had all the makings for a far better bbq sauce at home and I could make a steak just as great as anyone else can if I just bought a steak and tried it out.

But I didn't buy a steak.

On the way home, I started daydreaming about what else I could make at my house. I had cashew milk and fruit--instant smoothie. I had all the ingredients for Asian chili chicken which looked like it could be a real winner. I could make my favorite bbq sauce and grill up some chicken with it. And for a super-fast dish, I could mash up some albacore tuna with my canola mayo, and put on top of spinach, add some toasted almonds and bury it in that fabulous Green Goddess dressing I made on Sunday.

So, I drove home. Made a peach and raspberry cashew milk smoothie. Then tuna spinach salad.

And I sit here: fat, sassy, and full.

And unwilling to believe that how my day began is the way it has to end.

Laboring Over Food Choices

The downward spiral continues in my life. I could not for the life of me organize myself this morning to get anything accomplished. I tried. I wanted to get so much accomplished. I had so many plans. It was just one of those days where time passes so quickly and it is suddenly 1:00 pm and I've been in the same position for the last 6 hours and unwilling to believe that my life will ever get better than this.

It is called "depression." And it hits me particularly hard the first few days of my cycle. Or my wildly inaccurate cycle. The one that has been giving me fits and starts for a long time. Suffice it to say that when Aunt Flo comes for a visit, I'm turn into the dark. I can't believe in these moments that my life will ever improve. That I will ever hope again. That beauty and functionality will return to my life.

Fortunately, I've suffered from these same feelings long enough that I know that they will pass. That I will come out on the other side of them. That whatever truths these feelings have to teach me will be heard. They must be heard. Because I am not allowed out of the clutches of these feelings until I begin to hear them.

I know I need to get back on my fish oil and Vitamin D pills again. Especially when I am feeling this bad.

So, I did try to celebrate the holiday today. The family gathered for a light supper and movie night. We usually go swimming at the pool and have a barbecue but the weather was pretty horrific with a steady downpour and then chilly air after that. So the movie night worked out well.

But the food did not. I took a veggie platter. I even made hummus. But I knew most people wouldn't like it so I bought some organic sour cream and an organic ranch dip and made that as well. Lots of the veggies were eaten. Many of them by me. I poked my way into the sour cream dip as well (even though no dairy is allowed). I was struggling big time with the food thing. So, I ate a handful of potato chips. Then a bunch of rice crackers. Then some 7-layer Mexican dip. All of it good. None of it what I needed.

When I went home later that night I had a familiar feeling in my stomach. I felt kind of bloated. Large. Uncomfortable. My stomach hurt. But I think it is a feeling I'm so very, very used to that it was familiar. And sometimes familiar seems better than the other choice.

The other choice right now for me involves being HUNGRY. Not that I haven't bought enough food in the last five days. (Around $200 worth of food). It just seems that I have to work extra hard to make sure that this food hits all the right notes on the hunger train. And that takes time. Takes cooking. Takes planning.

None of it was what I wanted to be preoccupied with at the moment.

Eating this way, it is very, very hard to eat out. Salads are about the only thing I can eat and most of them have some kind of seasoning, preservative, or sugar either on the protein or the dressing. I can barely eat at family dinner on Sunday. Not that I want anyone making anything special for me. But I do have to make special things for myself.

I made the salad yesterday for Sunday dinner. I wanted to make it because I wanted there to be at least ONE food I could eat at Sunday dinner. And I wanted it to be a killer food. So, I filled a huge platter with romaine lettuce and I added hard-boiled eggs, crumbled bacon (nitrate-free), toasted almond slices, tomatoes and cucumbers. Then I doused it in Green Goddess dressing--made with olive oil, avocados, lemon juice, etc. It was SO GOOD. I think I might have been able to polish off the entire platter myself. Several other people liked the salad too though. Which made me very, very happy.

So, success one day and failure the next. I'm two weeks into this allergy-free diet now and I still haven't got it all down pat. I can see it is going to take time and planning. Much much more of that.

I'm learning. Slowly but surely I'm learning

This is not about deprivation. This is a short-term experiment. When the experiment is over, I will decide what foods I will include again in my diet and how often. This is certainly not about lifelong deprivation either. I have to keep reminding myself about that.

Or I just might go a bit cuckooo!

Typical Eating Issues

I'm manning a table at a big conference today for work. So, in my down time I'm thinking and thinking. Here's what I'm thinking about today.

I'm hungry.

Very typical for me. It is nearly 4:00 pm in the afternoon and the only time I have nourished myself today has been in the last two hours. I drank 2 bottles of water, I ate an Odawalla bar (not the best choice glycemically), and now I just ate the ham, turkey and cheese from a Lunchables snack pack.

I'm doing 100% when it comes to food.

Typical, typical me.

Barely made it to work today. Full of self-loathing. Full of wretchedness, full of sadness. Out of money and two more weeks to go in the month. No idea what I'm eating for dinner tonight. I wanted to start my elimination/allergy diet on Monday but with no money, I haven't planned my food extraordinarily well. Then yesterday was an off day for me. I ate ground turkey and red sauce, nut crackers and Laughing Cow cheese, lots of pistachio nuts and made my favorite almond-flour chocolate chip cookies.

Certainly better choices than I may have made in the past. But still very, very typical for me. I'm used to not feeding myself, not nourishing myself, not doing my part.

That has got to change.

Faster.

I have to be able to depend on myself. I have to trust myself to fulfill my commitments. I need to support myself.

Craving: Hot Donuts

Ate two donuts from Krispy Kreme tonight. Contemplating doing my allergy thing for two months and worrying about feeling deprived. One of my new mottos has been to indulge all cravings, albeit with decorum. And tonight, I craved donuts. 

What makes hot donuts good? They taste like spun hot sugar. That is their sole attraction, indeed, a rather enticing one. The cold, chocolate iced donut I had tasted more like sugar overload. 

I guess I felt a bit detached last night. A bit more observational and these donuts did not seem to overwhelmingly affect me. But that could just be arrogance. They affect me. But last night they were not the ANSWER to deep, emotional longing. 

I've used food so much to self-medicate my emotions that sometimes I wonder if I have any idea of how to operate emotionally outside the boundaries of food indulgence. It feels a bit like a revelation when I can. 

I will also note that when I am hormonally better balanced, deeply emotionally satisfied by a visit from my very dear friend, and well-nourished for several days, that this kind of food does not need to answer any deep needs inside of me. (Let's be honest, this food never answers deep things inside of me, but it surely distracts me easily from those matters.)

The donuts did not live up to any expectations. 

KABOOM Learning Experience

Starting Weight in January 2004: 315 pounds

Followed a program where I ate 6 times a day with strict guidelines on protein, carbs, veggies, fruit.

Learned a lot about my body on this plan.

Weight in February 2005: 209 pounds

Total Loss for 2004: 105 pounds

The Emotional Explosion: February 2005
Began eating carbs and sugar. Swooped deeply into emotional no-man's land. Wouldn't come up for air for a very, very long time. I now have a much clearer picture of the devastation of diet mentality.

January 2006: Gained 130 pounds in 9 months.