Tuesday, May 5, 2009

State of My Feelings and My Workout

I've been home a week now from my vacation to see Amy. I'm just starting to feel like I can get back in the swing of things now. I've been a bit overloaded contemplating all that needs to be done and how I'm going to accomplish the tasks that lay in front of me for the next few months. 

Two things are uppermost in my mind: my health and my admission to graduate school. Both of these items are going to take extreme focus. Both of them need planning and daily work. Both of them are going to require sacrifice out of me. 

My health must come first. I think the main reason for this is that I can't pursue my educational goals unless my health is balanced and I have energy. I've tried in the past to do school and move forward but without energy and with brain fog, I just sputter and fall apart in the midst of my work. 

I don't want to fall apart when it comes to reaching my educational goals and in order for that to occur for me, I need all of my energy at my disposal. It has been a really, really, really long time since I have had this much energy and felt this good. I believe I felt this way through part of my mission. I haven't felt this good since then and my mission was over 10 years ago now. Before my mission, I did not feel good either. And past my teen years, I can't identify well enough how I felt. 

In other words, I'm feeling better than I think I've felt in nearly twenty years except for my mission. I also must admit that in 2004-2005 when I was losing weight on Provida's 6WBMO plan I was feeling pretty good too. Yet, not this good and I think it is directly linked to fat and carb intake. I was intaking more carbs in the form of oats, brown rice and red potatoes than I do now and I wasn't taking in any of the good fats like olive oil, avocados or raw nuts. The good fats seem to keep me humming along happily. They keep me smiling. 

So, now that I'm feeling so much better, I feel like it is possible for me to get into graduate school and lose weight. The problem is that I want to lose a LOT of weight. Which means that I need to continue eating well, up the amount of veggies I'm consuming, and significantly improve my exercise routine. Does that mean the gym? Does that mean weight lifting? Does that mean body sculpting? I don't know. I just know that I've got to make a plan and work the plan because my haphazard approach so far is not getting me too far. 

Finally, I wanted to mention a few things that are changing around Edenland lately. I've talked about how the month of April was pretty stressful for me. Now that I'm back from vacation though I'm getting into a new groove. The other day after my monthly weigh-in I was feeling a bit down. I was happy that I had dropped some weight for the month but I was really, really hoping to drop more than just a few pounds and I was realizing that I needed to put more effort in especially when it comes to exercise if I want more results. 

Well, then a few things happened that reminded me that I am progressing in the weight loss area. First, I was sitting in class the other day and I was resting my jaw in my hands. I've always carried weight in my face and neck. My weight always shows up there. Well, as I rested my face in hands I realized that I could feel my jawline more than I have before--meaning my face and neck have lost weight. My jaw was poking through the skin more profoundly than before and I didn't have to hunt for it as carefully as I have before. I was so excited to realize this. It seems sometimes that I lose weight last in my face so to feel such a difference all of a sudden was thrilling. 

The second difference I've noticed just in the last few days is my new pants are loose. I bought two pair of pants last month for work because my other pants were falling off of me. For the first two weeks after I bought the new pants, they felt a bit snug. I would wear them all day and then near the end of the work day, I would have to unzip them and breathe deeply for a half an hour. Well, in the last week that has changed. My pants even feel a bit loose. They fit me perfectly just a week ago and now they don't. Isn't that funny how quickly our bodies can change? 

Finally the last change in Edenland recently: comments. I've written before about some of my issues with comments when it comes to my weight. My family has been very kind and has not said much of anything to me about my weight--for which I am very grateful. Unlike last time I lost weight, this time I do not want undue attention. Or at least I realize that I quickly turn into an attention hog and I start sucking up compliments like they are water. I don't want that kind of attention or focus again. 

Just because I'm not looking for it though doesn't mean I'm not grateful to hear it. I had been gone a week and had not seen my neighbor for a couple of weeks and when I ran into her yesterday she didn't say anything to me about how I had changed because we were in mixed company. But this morning she called me and went on and on about how thin I was getting and how great I looked. I told her I felt great and I hoped that was showing through. She seemed to think that it was. It was nice to hear. Nice to hear that someone notices. I notice changes but I can't tell you if I look any different. So, to hear that do is encouraging especially because I don't feel like I'm in a race and I don't feel deprived. 

I still have a long, long, long way to go. I suspect though that if I work hard at the exercise routine this summer and continue eating well that I may just have a chance to get about halfway through the number of pounds I would like to lose. Wouldn't that be a treasure? 

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