The First Notice

I've noticed changes occurring in my body for several weeks now and yesterday, for the first time, others noticed as well. 

I wore an old dress to church. It was a dress I got for my brother's wedding in 2006 and I think I've worn it only a few times since then. And it wasn't a dress really but more of skirt and a top. 

I didn't feel comfortable in the outfit when I bought it, but I had to have the outfit for that big day. That's probably why I haven't worn the outfit much since then. Well, yesterday I was sick of my clothes and sick of wearing all the old things I had in my closet. And I happened to try on that outfit . . . and what do you know? It fit. It actually more than fit. Suddenly, I had a new outfit. 

I actually felt pretty too. It was such a pleasure to wear something different, something that felt soft and beautiful and something that made me feel powerful and feminine all at once. 

I felt long and lean and I wasn't even wearing Lycra. 

I also cut my hair this week. I had several inches chopped off and so instead of throwing my hair back in a clip, I wore it down. Between the hair and the clothes, I created a little stir. I think when you look the same week after week after week after week, it is refreshing to see change. And that is what everyone was commenting on. The changes. 

The thing is I've been a bit worried about the comments. Last time (2004-2005), I found myself preening for every look and every comment. I found myself hungry for affirmation and attention. I felt a bit like compliment addict. Always wanting more. 

Two weeks before my big kaboom experience in February 2005, I seemed to be riding a compliment cascade. I couldn't go to church, work or any function without people coming up to me and commenting about the way I looked. Each time that happened, I felt a momentary rush and then I would revert to my head and my obsessive compulsive calculations of how much I could lose and fast I could lose it. Every compliment seemed to heighten my need to continue losing weight. Every comment put just another pound of pressure on me to continue to perform. Every word of encouragement my way sent me just a little bit more over the edge. 

Why did all of that happen? I haven't figured out all the pieces and parts to that puzzle, but here are some initial conclusions. 

• Wrong focus: My focus was wrong from the beginning. My initial desire in 2004 was to get healthy but as soon as I started to lose weight, that focus shifted from "I want to be healthy" to "I want to be pretty." Well, it is a lot easier to control healthy than it is to control pretty. Today, instead of worrying about how I look, I ask myself more often, how I feel. Focusing on my feelings is something I can always do--big or small--and those feelings inform me more about the world and my purpose in it than how I look. I want to take the focus off how I look. 
• Perfectionism: The one stunner of an Achilles heel that the plan had that I was doing in 2004-2005 was a phrase called "Perfect on Plan" or POP. I would get on the discussion boards and team up with other members and we would play a game for six weeks at a time where the goal every day was to be POP. POP meant you ate a meal every three house that was measured exactly and that you exercised every day. If you were POP every day, you gained more points for your team. I worked on being POP to perfection. Perfection is a doozy of bomb that will explode in your face the more you pursue it. I'm learning to live imperfectly now. 

I think both of these things contributed greatly to the extreme emotional blowout that I had. Both were fed and nurtured under the bright lights of "attention." 

Which makes me just a bit wary of that kind of attention again. 

Day 76: What a Feeling!

So, this morning I went for a walk when the temperature was about 30 degrees and a canyon wind was blowing. I almost turned back once and went home to the treadmill. So, so cold. 

I came back from the walk and did some weight lifting and then some stretching. I watched Oprah while I did both of those tasks. One of the shows was on extreme morbid obesity--a situation that is devastating for too many people in this country. I think for the rest of my life I will be interested in health, eating disorders, morbid obesity and any of the attendant psychological, familial, biological and environmental circumstances that lead people down that path. 

With my own weight challenge, I've often felt alone, scared and misunderstood. The problem seems so large and the solution so out of reach. There are so many layers and issues and things that must be overcome. My body has felt like the enemy rather than a friend. 

This morning though, I realized that my body and I are fast becoming best friends. She likes me and I like her. We aren't engaged in a pitched battle for control any longer as I've come to understand her better and work with her weaknesses and strengths. And she as a result is sending me good wishes, great feelings and energy galore. You've gotta love that. 

I think this morning after all the exercise, I just felt giddy. Giddy and excited and full of energy. That is such an unusual place for me to be that I have to comment on it. If my bout with obesity, depression and struggle has been characterized by anything it is: low energy. So, to feel an abundance of it, even for a few hours is finger-lickin' good and makes me want to shout to the world. 

Today I have energy. Today I bounced down the stairs to my house. Today I wanted to run. Today I felt a giddiness and a glow that comes from good health. Today I feel peace and joy. Today is a great day. 

Day 75: Lunchtime

Okay, so I did it again today. I struggled with the eating thing. Meaning I struggled with making sure I was eating regularly. 

It started a week or so ago. I just quit eating breakfast, then lunch, then I would come home from work very, very hungry and I would make something and eat. That eating would usually last for two or three hours as I cooked and ate and cooked and ate some more. I'm trying to get out of that very bad habit because when I eat late, I wake up the next morning unwilling to eat breakfast. Then I don't pack lunch and try to make it on nuts or apples at work. Then I come home starving and cook again and the whole cycle starts all over again. So, last night I was starving again and I didn't really want to cook so I ended up snacking on chicken, hard-boiled eggs and strawberries when I was helping my mom with a dinner she was doing and then I came home and made a spinach smoothie. This morning I made a smoothie again. 

Not enough. 

I went to work too without packing a lunch again. When the hunger completely overwhelmed me I decided to jaunt down to the health food store. This is what I came back with: 

1. spinach

2. Amy's Lentil Vegetable soup

3. apples

4. sliced almonds

5. canned wild salmon

6. squeeze bottle of canola mayo

So, I came back to work and mixed up the salmon with the mayo and put it on top of the spinach with some sliced apples and almonds. Then I warmed up the veggie soup too. All in all, I'm very happy, pleasantly full and the prospect of cooking and eating looks like so much fun. 

Something about routinely starving makes me anxious and unhappy about prepping food. But once I've gone through all the work of cooking and eating, I can't wait to do it again. 

Day 74: The Hunger

I'm tired of being hungry. T-I-R-E-D. Cooking every night, cooking every morning, packing food, preparing a menu, shopping, unpacking, then prepping food. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just so excruciatingly lazy that I would rather have all of this done for me. Each and every day. 

Then I eat a real meal with some real food and quit starving myself and I realize that I like to eat and I like to cook. What I don't like is worrying about all of it when I'm hungry. Which simply reminds me that I spend a lot time wishing I didn't have to cook and eat and thus starving and finally eating and feeling better. Then I repeat that cycle the next day. 

Obviously one of the areas I need to make the most improvement is eating each day and eating frequently each day. 

It is all part of the plan. And one I need to work a whole lot better. 

Day 73: The Clothes Don't Fit

I don't like to shop for clothes. In the past few years it has been particularly bad as I've grown out of the classic Lane Bryant-type shopping experience. That left me with one other store in town that sells mostly nasty clothes. I would make periodic forages into the store to pick up some clothes. This is what I call shopping desperation. The only time you shop is when you are desperate. You don't care about tailoring or color or even variety. You mostly just want something that fits that doesn't make you gag when you put it on. And as long as those clothes look clean and semi-presentable, you wear them to death. 

Truly. 

Why, you may ask? Because shopping for clothes makes you face the truth about your body, your issues, and this very big problem in your life that is not just going to go away because you repeatedly wish it will. Shopping sucks. You don't feel better afterwards, you realize just how badly you look, and you don't wish to repeat the experience again any time soon. 

Shopping usually brings on a serious bout of self-loathing. 

Which is why I prolong the distance between each shopping experience to unnecessary lengths. I can always find something else to buy before I'm going to buy clothes. Until the situation gets desperate like it is now. I have about five shirts to my name, a few pair of pants and some skirts. I've worn all of them repeatedly for months and months and months. I dislike most of what I wear. My best pair of pants never fit really well--the legs are too long and the pants too baggy--but I wear them all the time because they are the nicest ones I own. I have two nice shirts that I end up wearing every week as well as on alternating Sundays. 

So, in the past two months these pants and shirts and skirts have not only been worn far too much but also they've grown bigger and bigger and bigger. My favorite black skirt was too big when I bought it and it has gotten much worse the past two months. I ended up pinning the skirt with two large safety pins after it fell off me one day in my house as I was getting ready for church. I didn't want a repeat performance of that event. My pants are so big they make me uncomfortable and my favorite shirt is so large now that it keeps slipping off my shoulder and I'm continually adjusting myself. 

When everything you wear becomes uncomfortable because it is so large, you start to hate getting dressed each day. Which forces you to go out do and do your next least-favorite task: shopping. 

Really though, at least this time around I can contemplate the fact that hopefully the shopping experience will improve incrementally. They will fit better, I will look better, and I can tamp down on the self-loathing. 

At least that is what I'm hoping. 

About Me: Photo Time

February 2009 at 322 pounds

August 2008 at 336 pounds

2004-2005 Weight Loss 

October 2003 at around 315 pounds

January 2004 at 315 pounds

February 2004 at 286 pounds

March 2004 at 269 pounds

Three side poses at 315 pounds, 286 pounds and 269 pounds

May 2004 at 244 pounds

Trip to London and Paris in May 2004. Gained weight on the trip. I had a hard time when I came back from the trip staying on my plan and slowly, slowly started to gain weight again. 

July 2004 at 249 pounds

In October 2004, I had my birthday. I had regained about 35 pounds at this point since May 2004. I kept trying to stay on plan but I just didn't. Around my birthday at 278 pounds, I recommitted to the plan I had been on. From that point for the next five months, I was pretty focused again. 

December 2004 at 234 pounds

December 2004 at around 225 pounds

January 2005 at 215 pounds

February 2005 at 209 pounds

February 14, 2005 I had the often-mentioned KABOOM experience. I then quickly gained back the entire 105 pounds I had lost and an additional 25 pounds. That meant by January 2006 I weighed in at 340 pounds. It was an incredibly overwhelming experience emotionally and physically and I dropped into a no-man's land after that. It took me a long time to sort through not only the emotions but exactly what had occurred to me through that experience. 

Day 66: The State of Things

I've been doing a bit of review of the state of this health endeavor after my doctor's visit and after I received my test results and here is my review of how things are going and what I want to focus on next. 

Doing Well:

• Following the allergy-free diet: I had one moment about a week ago where I seriously contemplated chucking in the towel that night and eating a cheeseburger and fries. It would not have been the end of the world if I had done so, but I'm glad that I stayed with my emotions, addressed my hunger nutritionally and let myself have a bit of a freak out. So, still on the allergy-free diet and even emotionally okay after that tough night. 
• Cooking: I'm loving the cooking. Love, love, loving the cooking. It makes me happy to be in the kitchen, I've been making treats and meals and snacks and everything and I'm just enjoying food and its tastes and my own cooking. This little girl loves her some food. And it is good, healthy food too!
• Menu planning: For a majority of the last two months, I was on a six week menu plan that I created. Now, I didn't follow it to the letter but it was such a treat to have a meal planned for every night and have the food in my fridge to make it. I think that is part of the reason I enjoyed cooking so much too. I love the the six-week menu plan because I hate doing it every week. So, that is a habit I want to keep. 
• Weighing weekly or monthly: I'll admit that there has been a week or two that I was nearly weighing myself every day, but I recommitted to the notion to stay off the scale except on Saturdays. And I'm really planning on sticking to this one, except that last Saturday that I weighed, I had gained weight so I weighed myself again on Monday and had dropped 8 pounds. Yeah, water weight or something. So, there will definitely be such caveats but for the most part, I'm going to keep to my private weekly or biweekly weigh ins and then post my weight monthly. The goal being that I'm do not want to become OCD about the scale like I did in 2004-2005 when I was deep in diet mentality. So, the scale is not the source of my pleasure or my ever-present fixation. 

The improvements are things that I think will make a marked difference in my overall health the next few weeks. Also, I really want to get my HDL (good cholesterol) numbers up and I want to clear up this PCOS and the metabolic syndrome. Each of the steps below are ones that I think will help me make significant strides in that direction. 

The Improvements:

• Eat breakfast: This one has taken on a particular importance recently as I realize that when I eat breakfast, I usually eat lunch, and then dinner instead of starving myself for breakfast, not eating lunch and then packing in all my food intake within a two-hour window after I come home from work. I'm sure that this is not helping. I'm more irritated, more emotional and just generally more off. But eating breakfast takes work. So, I'm focused on work this month. 
• Exercise daily: I'm ticked because my HDL numbers didn't improve over the last two months and I know my eating has been wildly improved so I can only attribute that to my lack of exercise. So, another goal for the next month is to walk 6 days a week. Then I think the goal will be established. 
• Pack food the night before: If I can conquer eating breakfast, the next step is packing food for each day. I have had the most success at good health when I've packed food and snacks for work each day. Then I'm not starving and going searching for food at the bewitching hour of 3:30PM when I don't always make the best food choices. So, I will be more conscious of prepping, freezing, and then packing food for each work day. 
• Make a new 6 week menu plan: After my 6 week menu plan ran out, I didn't start it over again. And so I've defaulted again to trying to figure out what to cook each night and staring at the fridge for a while and generally snacking and munching rather than making an entire meal. So, I've got to get the menu plan back in rotation. 

And that is the state of things around here. Let's see where these improvements take me.