Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Day 29: The Fire Came Back

Today the fire was burning inside my body. Today I was hungry the entire day. The whole day. Today I thought about food nonstop. 

It was one of the days. 

I was hungry for everything but nothing looked good. I wanted to eat everything but nothing in my own house. I couldn't think of anything interesting to make and nothing sounded good. What I wanted today was just to eat and eat anything I wanted. Today, the allergy-free diet almost went down the tubes. 

I craved burgers and fries with tangy fry sauce. I wanted candy. I wanted nachos with cheesy cheese and extra guacamole. I wanted homemade bread slathered in butter and jam. I want creamy soups. I wanted anything and everything but what was good for me. 

I seriously contemplated breaking the challenge. 

Of course, I didn't help myself. I was feeling petulant and unmotivated so I didn't make breakfast. I took some turkey, apples, and nuts to work and ate all of those but wanted more. I wouldn't go home and cook for myself but I wanted food. 

Mostly, I didn't want to make any food but I wanted yummy, delectable food served to me. 

I didn't want to think about preservatives, MSG, dairy, gluten, wheat, corn, sugar or ANY of the things that I'm not eating right now in an attempt to improve my health. 

I wanted to eat the way I used to eat. 

When I left work late, I drove by Carl's Jr. and picked up a low-carb burger (meat patty, onions, tomatoes, lettuce) and ate that. (Note to self: If I ever do that again remember to ask for "no condiments." I'm sure that the mayo, mustard and ketchup on it were not legal.)

It certainly helped me to manage the hunger somewhat. Then I ate some rice cakes and grapes at my sister's house. Then I ate some leftover flank steak and roasted cashews at my parent's house. All in an attempt to assuage the hunger inside of me. 

In the car on the way home after eating my low-carb burger, I was feeling particularly down and defeated if I would ever get to eat anything good again in my life. And that was the thought that sent me the red alert. If I was growing despondent about what I could and couldn't eat then something more was going on here. My emotions were riding a bit of a tidal wave. And if my eating was pretty much under control and I'd been feeling pretty well emotionally the few days before this day, then I started to wonder if all of this emotion could be the result of other hormonal issues in my life like PMS. 

And wouldn't you know it, Aunt Flo showed up the very next day. 

I don't like to blame my emotions or my mood on my cycle, but I do like to be aware of my emotional makeup around that cycle. And here are some pretty typical emotions and feelings for me:

  • one day where I feel particularly strong and impenetrable. I barely feel hunger which always leads me to believe that I finally have figured out the eating thing in my life and I generally just feel alert and strong and invincible
  • another day that is usually premenstrual or the first day of my cycle where I'm either weepy and clingy and my emotions are very close to the surface or I'm just ANGRY. Very angry. Ticked off to the extreme by everything and everyone. And usually ravenously, ravenously hungry. And hopeless and depressed and overwhelmed. 
If I know those days are happening then I don't come to drastic conclusions on those days or assume that my life is over and that I will never change and that the world is a horrible, horrible place. If I can be aware of the emotional turmoil I get thrown into then it doesn't wear me out as much and I'm able to ride it out more easily. 

And that was Day 29 for me. All I can say is: I'm glad it is over. 

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